OH Sooooobbbbbbb!!!! you guys
There's even more. Last night when I was talking to my daughter I was able to put some of this together. I realized why going out with my FRIENDS was so painful. It was the last lingering vestige of any form of earthbound reality or rather illusion pollution in my mind that crumbled into my duck tortino and my salmon carpaccio.
I REALIZED I WAS COMPLETELY INVISIBLE TO THEM!
What I mean was they were doing the typical 'girl talk' that woman of all ages do when they get together. Clothes, food, men, sex, divorce, blah, blah, blah and every time I piped in they didn't hear what I said,
I attempted to bring the conversation around to other topics, they would pay attention to me for maybe a minute and then poof! gone.
It wasn't like they were purposely ignoring me or even ostracizing me. These woman are my friends and we like each other. It was that I was unable to stay in the physical world with them and literally disappeared. I kept eating and eating at the focaccia to ground myself and I am not supposed to eat this shit and I got heavier and heavier and more and more unweildy until I was so deeply anchored in my body and so unbelievably uncomfortable that I had to get up and leave the table and go to the bathroom.
When I got there I saw myself in all my blubbery splendor...what a time to have to deal with the final devastating and crushing shattering of the last frontier of illusion.
I just stared in shock. I didn't know who the hell I was looking at. I was huge to my eyes and also to others' eyes. I am not a light weight.
Used to be I was what was considered to be 'drop dead gorgeous'. when I would walk into a room everyone's heads turned. I knew then that much of it was my light and my vibration that caught their attention. And I reveled in it. I used it and abused my looks in ways you can only imagine and did things with my physical body that bordered on criminal in some circles and unethical and immoral in almost all circles.
And now it's a shambles...I have destroyed it in so many ways and much of it from my own unconscious and subconscious need to withdraw from it.
I too spend most of my time relating from a non-physical and formless point of perspective. I feel the feline form because I have chosen to anchor to it so I can remain here. My feline form is at least 10-12 feet tall and of course my formless form is huger than that, so I too Sowey can't hold myself comfortably in this blob of flesh and blood.
And then another gut splitting slice came out of me this morning.
Where I live there's not a lot for me to do besides work and read. I can't for the life of me figure out why I have no hobbies any more. <laughing like a hyena because if I stop laughing I will cry a river>.
Well I was reading the first in a series of NY Times bestsellers novels and of course there is the proverbial romance, yada, yada.
And as I sat there reading this drivel I started to think on my own love life and realized that in this life time I have never really loved anyone (read male), not really nor have been really loved.
when I say that here's what I mean because it has to be clarified...I mean in the HUMAN sense. Of course I have had a ton of opportunities, a marraige failed and sevearl long term relationships, failed too. And in those relationships I loved then, or what I believed was loved with my limited scope of awakeness and awareness and what I thought was love...but it was not love in any sense of what I know love to be now.
I expanded my self consciously a little while ago and looked quickly at my life blue print and finally realized that this is not on the list for me in this life time. No soul mate for me to role wistfully in the summer grass with out in the sun where the ticks can attach themselves to my ass.
No companion who will devote himself to me for the rest of my life and be there in the end...just me!
And then I grokked why I have held on to my mother and my daughter for so long and so hard. Because they are it for me. And that awful feeling of lonliness that I don't get too much any more reared it's head and I understood at another level my contract with my mother and my kids. That I have to learn to deal with that ONENESS of being with myself.
When I am busy I'm fine but I find myself more and more not busy with too much time to think on my hand. And i don't like going out of the house so I guess my next step is to find another house that is more interesting and fulfilling to stay in as my fortress to protect me from the cruelties and noise of this fucked up planet.
I always used to think I knew what I was here for, what my work was but as the days go by I have more and more come to realized I know nothing about it. I only know that I must adjust in my own wholeness and totality. Concern myself with myself and perfect the being I am so that I can slip through the to the gates of freedom on the other side. And perhaps that is my ONLY work here. Who knows anymore.
I keep getting this image of being a focal point of calm and solid centeredness in the midst of unbearable chaos and sorrow. Detached and formless in a body and almost moving like a spirit among the wild carnage that I see. I don't like it and don't want to set an example. I don't want to be there when the world falls apart and everything we know turns into nothing we know.
My choice is to be in paradise. But I can't seem to enjoy paradise and it's right outside my window.
So now I have let fall any illusions that I could even remotely be like anyone else...I went back there last night and it's not a place I will even visit on vacation again. Let the feast of reckoning begin.
I had to get so heavy to be present that it made my body's already overly heavy state so unbearable I couldn't breath. And it was embarrassing to me to be feeling so out of sync with these woman...so not able to go dancing or hang out in a bar...holy cow! I forgot about that. Must have been my guides protecting me.
Can you even remotely imagine what it would have been like had I gone to this bar with latin music blasting, people dancing and drinking on a Friday night? I would have dropped dead in there for sure. I just realized how much of a save my choice was to come home here and write to you guys.
So it's really good to be able to write to all of you and hear back from others who are feeling a similar sense. And who understand at some level from your own point of persepective and we can all relate to one another.
My sense is we have to find ways to find that peace inside ourselves so we are truly safe. There is nohwere else to go but inside. If all hell breaks loose and we do loose the internet we either have to have like minded friends in our day to day lives or we have to go inside.
I have a group here of folks who are sort of like minded...at least they are like MINDED...whether they are like FEELING'D I can't say. They are kind of high falutent (sp) ,looks like flatulent and maybe that is a closer analogy...we all talk about spiritual crud and read books and discuss high minded stuff...but whether they can hear this stuff I don't know.
Maybe I should just start talking about it. I bet there are people out there that feel this way and I just don't know it. But it's such a sensitive and vulnerable place and the last thing I want or need is to be slayed by the harshness of THE OTHERS...if you know what I mean. And this is a small town.
I just know if I stop eating so much and start doing the dreaded E word, exercise I will friggin' literally disappear. I will float off in a cloud of otherworldly energies and my anchor will come with me.
Is that what is supposed to happen? People wake up one day and see ME risen...Christ on a crutch! I don't think so...or maybe...
What a nightmare thought!
LILI
