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Post by AgeA on Nov 20, 2004 9:24:55 GMT -5
Oh My God I cant beleive it What I wished for is finally coming to fruition. Man how am I going to provide for the family of four. I wish myself now a very good paying job and lots of money. Oh you matherfuc.. upstairs as if it had been a lot for me to just be involved for the first time in my life in a loving relationship. It is all as it was supposed to be...I guess.
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Post by liza on Nov 20, 2004 13:10:52 GMT -5
*gasp* Congratulations, you two. It's really happening. ;D Just remember I was there in the beginning. *arrogant smile*
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Post by Monikah on Nov 20, 2004 20:10:59 GMT -5
Congratulations! Blessings to your love.
Monikah
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Post by Monikah on Nov 24, 2004 10:04:17 GMT -5
How difficult! Peace to you.
Monikah
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Post by liza on Nov 24, 2004 13:23:12 GMT -5
That sucks! Just remember it is just as difficult for her, and give yourself and her compassion. Let time unfold and tell your sagas as they will.
Mucho hugs!
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Post by Monikah on Nov 26, 2004 11:54:19 GMT -5
This brings up a topic often ignored in ascension circles, maybe because of societal stigma, maybe because of ascension stigma, or whatever. And that is suicide. What we are experiencing is more difficult than crossed anyone's imagination as this descension and ascension were being planned and carried out over the eons, and suicidal feelings are valid and need to be acknowledged not denied.
I've thought of suicide many times, when the difficulty and despair of what I undergo is beyond me to rise above. I've come to terms with the fact that suicide is a choice, and if we have the choice of how we die, then suicide is one of those choices. After all, currently in human reality, we start dying the moment we are born. Having cancer or a heart attack or a car accident are all unconscious "suicides". Many of us have experienced suicide in our manifestations, and it is acceptable now in some earth societies. Why such a guilt trip on the conscious choice to change forms?
Not that it's a way out. When you pass from this body you bring with you your 3d level of consciousness. It merges with your above self, and if you're not complete in 3d you'll return.
If you are complete, there is the choice to not experience an unconscious change of embodiment but to leave the body through conscious decision, no matter what method you choose. This would not be death but a change of form, nothing more.
The yew plant is a highly toxic natural substance known as the manifestation of the feminine Christ, and its toxicity allows the spirit self to be released from the form without polluting the higher body. It's been used by many as a natural conscious choice.
There are many things to consider in a choice to end your embodiment, including the trauma to those you are leaving, particularly kids. It is a very personal choice and cannot have religious dogma or societal pressures dictating it. Perhaps this could lead into discussion about our own feelings, our experiences with others we've known who have taken this step, etc.
And AgeA/Orancia/Mark, please, whether you still feel suicidal or not, keep talking to us about this situation. You're not alone. Reuniting twins and forlorn lovers have a difficult task. The split has a lot of issues involved from eons and eons of individual experience, and the coupling has caused many disilliusionments for ascenders, in part because we didn't know what to expect and we do have free choice. In my experience, it's not a fairytale ending and takes a lot of dedication, commitment, and work.
For the record, I've come to terms with my own awakening and won't be taking off because of suicide. I'll make a conscious choice about my release from this body, but it won't be a "suicide".
The ascenders of this planet are at a point that has happened before, waking up to the reality of multidimensional life and having difficulty coming to terms with the fact that on a personal level it's not a whole lot different than 3d life. Many times this has ended personally through suicide or in group consciousness through annihilation of the planet. I mean, so far this life I've had to face past experiences ... "oh yeah, I remember that, this is what happened, why I chose it, etc." Now, in new creation, I have the opportunity to make choices here & now, create new experiences that are the foundation of my new life. It's a huge responsibility.
With great love,
Monikah
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Post by seaoffeeling on Nov 26, 2004 13:09:58 GMT -5
[glow=red,2,300]Monikah,
Thank you for posting on this controversial topic. I too have found it curiously absent in ascension discussions, but certainly it is an issue faced by many people. It's absence as a discussion topic forces it into the private arena of isolated anguish and suffering, contributing to a false sense of the person considering suicide that one is alone in one's experience when in fact one is not. In mental health, there is only one view towards suicide, and that is it is to be prevented. The experiences and difficulties leading to suicidal ideation and attempts seem to get less attention, comparatively, than to the need to stop the attempt from occuring. It's an issue that seems to inspire discomfort and a need to control, more so than an empathetic understanding of the state of mind that is so painful that death seems the only relief.
My own opinion.
Love,
-SeaofFeeling[/glow]
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Post by Sowelu on Nov 26, 2004 14:25:07 GMT -5
Interesting that this should come up now. In a certain sense, I've been suicidal my whole life. I made a real attempt when I was a naive 14 years old, after being raped and becoming pregnant as a result. And I've considered it many, many times since, as well. In that first attempt, as I was bringing jagged glass to wrist, I had a commuique from Spirit that was unmistakable, and told me so very much in a swift gestalt of energy. The message was that this life is not "just mine". That I am not here "just for me", and that I had no idea - in my currently small vision - of just how incredible and vast this life would eventually be. If I ended it then, I would miss the amazing unfoldment (still wondering what's so wonderful or if it's still "down the road a bit"  - that goes to something Sea said recently about promises made by spirit and the living experience not measuring up). It also imparted a great love for me, something I was sorely needing at that precise moment. I cried heavily after that, not feeling I had what it took to make it through, and yet here I am almost 30 years later, still kicking, one could say. I often feel overwhelmed, though, truth to tell. I often wish I was not here. I'm ripe for talking about it currently because I'm in one of those places again now. I also know, however, that I don't have what it takes to end my life prematurely. I suppose that's something... It's not death I fear, nor is it life in joy. It's this daily suffering, neither dead nor alive, enduring minute after linear minute that gets to me. When I'm in my heart, which seems to be rarely lately, I don't feel this way. But for now, it seems I'm "working through" the lower self's stuff, I guess, so that I'm in overwhelm mode, wishing I were dead, and wishing further that I was gifted with what it takes to make that happen. There's a part of me that cannot find a reason to live. There's a part of me that cannot fathom a life of any worth on this current earth. That is only a part of me, however, and thank goodness I'm aware of that. To give that small portion of self the full reins would be a tragedy of great proportions, I sense. So I endure. It's not even hope that I cling to anymore, but a knowing that the dark portions of this life are illusion, and truth lives in my heart. I've been there at least once before, and so I know I can get there again. How... I never know. But that I can, I do know. Sometimes that's all I have. |
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Post by Sowelu on Nov 26, 2004 14:27:37 GMT -5
Huh... maybe I should have made my own thread. My apologies, AgeA, if this is offensive to you. Just say the word and I'll move it elsewhere.
With love,
Sowelu
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Post by ADMIN on Nov 26, 2004 14:55:27 GMT -5
Boy!
looks like we guys have much in common.
I also tried suicide when I was 15!
I wonder why most lightworkers have the same pattern and what does it mean.?
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Post by seaoffeeling on Nov 26, 2004 15:49:55 GMT -5
>>It's this daily suffering, neither dead nor alive, enduring minute after linear minute that gets to me. When I'm in my heart, which seems to be rarely lately, I don't feel this way. But for now, it seems I'm "working through" the lower self's stuff, I guess, so that I'm in overwhelm mode, wishing I were dead, and wishing further that I was gifted with what it takes to make that happen.
>>
[glow=red,2,300]This is a hard, hard place to be. In some ways it feels disconnected, but in other ways, it could not feel more connected - right in the depths of the pain and dark, experiencing what was (is) too hard to face.
Thank you to everyone who has courageously shared here. This is a very painful topic, and the emotions here are so real and raw. I honour and acknowledge the pain and the stories, spoken, and unspoken, of everyone on this board. Here, I do wish for a specific outcome, and that everyone will find their healing finally. AgeA, I hope you will share and continue your clearing process here. There is lots of love, and you are definitely not alone!
Much love,
-SeaofFeeling[/glow]
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Post by AgeA on Nov 28, 2004 11:00:15 GMT -5
Well the things didnt go exactly as I thought they would but it still pretty bad for me. She left me or I rather took her to a place south of me closer to the city and and hour drive from me. She wants to be on her own and in the city where there is transportation, exploring. I understand her as she lived most of her life with someone and now wants to be on her own. She had just sold and moved out of her house where she used to live for thirteen years with her family. Now she flew all the way down here to see me and after a week being together we parted again. I cried when I was driving back home yesterday. I called her again and she said dont come to see while I am staying at the hotel. I was hoping to see her again at the same to allow her her own place and time. For some reason I lost my way more than once and was just going around her hotel place for hours? I dont know if I would have ever gotten back home if it wasnt for her. We talked on a (mobile) phone and only after she talked to me and I was able to breathe again and got myself home.
I am thinking she denies me and she is pushing me away. It was what I felt like yesterday. Now she wants to leave my city earlier. She even wants us stop talking. She says I am making her feel weak when she wants to be strong and on her own now. What is strong and what is weak? I feel strong with her and feel very balanced and happy. Now she says she doesnt want me to sad and to be strong without her. I have a feelings for her. I feel I am in Love with someone for the first time and it is true. How can I be strong without her? How can I be not sad. I cant just forget her and move on as she says and to get a life. I dont want my life without her.
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Post by Monikah on Nov 28, 2004 11:05:16 GMT -5
Hi, everybody,
Sea wrote: <<The experiences and difficulties leading to suicidal ideation and attempts seem to get less attention, comparatively, than to the need to stop the attempt from occuring. It's an issue that seems to inspire discomfort and a need to control, more so than an empathetic understanding of the state of mind that is so painful that death seems the only relief.>>
I see the discomfort at least in part as a result of the removal or giving away of personal power by or to those who would control this planet. I.e., their teachinges that there is no such thing as reincarnation, you have only one chance to be perfect, to please god, to go to heaven, so to destroy your body you destroy all chance at eternal "happiness" ... plus your feelings of inadequacy and terror and isolation are seen as all in your imagination, which keeps you stuffing them because they aren't accepted as real ... so you will be drugged to prevent you from facing these things so you don't take your own power back and open up the line of b.s. built into the system that keeps sucking your chi from you ... Pain is the strongest feeling in the fear frequency that those who would control suck from you to feed themselves. Even if your pain is numbed to you, it's still there and still being used by unseen forces in the old system. Those maintaining the system (doctors, counselors, family members, etc., who are uncomfortable with the feelings so try to control them) may not realize they are doing this, but they are.
Sowelu wrote: <<Sea said recently about promises made by spirit and the living experience not measuring up>>
We've been handed a line by our guides. I Know this. I call it promotional material. My son Haniel calls it sugar-coated. To keep us on the path we've been told many things that are not as we have been led to imagine. Now both we and they have to come to terms with these lies, the candy handed to we "children," and a degree of misuse of "higher" intelligence. It's one of the strongest pieces of the puzzle I have as a human to Know my equality with all who are upstairs and with all that happens and IS upstairs ... I would not lie and fabricate like these ones have in order to get people to do what they want us to do, or even what we supposedly agreed to do. Even in my most upstairs understanding of the need to lead by misleading, the degree to which I've been "guided" by lies is not acceptable to me.
If the mission had been on the up and up before we came in, it wouldn't be such a point of stress about what we really agreed to do, and it does seem to be a point of stress in ascension circles. Even if it also has been to assist with ascension by getting us to face truths (which it has), to join in that game would put me at the lowest point of somebody else's reality. I have to say the depth of upstairs' morality leaves a bit to be desired, in my book, as the people I'm here for struggle with upstairs' manipulations of emotions so upstairs can learn about and gain control over the illusion so we don't repeat this anymore. That I agreed to open records is one thing, that I agreed to be monitored for emotions reacting to "dark" forces is also true, that I agreed to take control of my sovereignty from 3d and to work the energies for the sovereignty of all is also part of it, that I agreed to come in and find people who are with us but still lost is most certainly a part of this mother's job, but just how much of the children's b.s. (upstairs and down) is my responsibility?
Ach, I can tell I need to take a stronger stand again ... aaargh.
Facing these things also is a serious stab to the heart and ability to maintain sanity and direction and willingness "to do whatever it takes" for this ascension. Even my most beloveds find it OK to lie and abuse me. Shiiit, my job is done. It was done before I was born. I'm just here on a mission of mercy. Why stay only to be abused by upstairs? The ones I love the most and have accepted as my guides are also looking to me for guidance on how to get out of the mud they've created for themselves and us.
And I'm just a monkey and a machine. LOL. It's a learning experience for their elitist attitude too, but also makes me feel quite alone in what I do.
And <<I also know, however, that I don't have what it takes to end my life prematurely. >>
What's "prematurely"? For all the kudos and love and "we're here to help but you have to do the work" that we get from upstairs, it is truly up to us to decide. They really have no clue other than through us how difficult this reality is. They've not experienced it, nor anything like it. So they deny, or if they don't deny, they look to the side while we suffer and they take notes and tell us new energies are available. (Yes, I can be snide about this.)
And <<But for now, it seems I'm "working through" the lower self's stuff, I guess, so that I'm in overwhelm mode, wishing I were dead, and wishing further that I was gifted with what it takes to make that happen.>>
How long do we have to work through the lower self's stuff? How long do we have to be overwhelmed by an existence that isn't of our creation, that we're just here helping to ascend? How long before we realize that the gifts we have and the ascension we've attained are enough already? How long must we endure without hope because this mess is worse than the planners who were on the inner echelons realized or were honest about when guiding us in our missions?
MirRa wrote: <<I wonder why most lightworkers have the same pattern and what does it mean.?>>
We are the most abused, most tragic, most enlightened, and most denied of any existence. Also called the best of the best. Most of us have abuse in our current life, difficult situations of loneliness and heartache. Many of us older ones are early "indigos" or whatever, meaning of a higher vibe than the vibration we birthed into. Some haven't had a place to fit since the day we were born. We are One with All That Is and Know it to our core, and yet we are isolated because of our mission and our energies. It's easy to see why suicide crosses our minds. What we had before we were born looms large in our minds and hearts and goals.
It is an angry, painful topic. I rage at the assaults and rapes I've experienced since accepting my beloveds into my life. I rage at the lies I was told before I was born in order to get me to come here to do this. I rage at the lies I'm told now and their thinking that "you accept it" meaning I'm supposed to discern the lies of the most high. Huh? I rage at the taking of my life that they had no right to take nor had I agreed for them to do. Sovereignty is a heated topic upstairs. Not in any dimension before or after I was born was I told the depths of what would be happening to me. Met says they didn't know what the results would be for sure, that he thought he knew what he was doing. It's way beyond not knowing what the results might be, it's boldfaced lies in order to control me, my energies, who I am in order to feed the ascension. I struggle daily with being Who I Am, my mission and purpose in the biggest picture vs. what I had actually agreed to do compared to what I have to do. So much of my current reality is bogus it's hard to maintain a grip. So much of my love for my upstairs beloveds is based on a dusty fairytale that when I see the truth of how I've been treated by them I wonder if it's even worth it. Give me the veil and a good ol' 3d life. I was at peace then.
Yada yada ... thanks for listening.
You all MUST know that all agreements and contracts based on lies or knowingly incomplete or inadequate information are now null and void and that you can rewrite these things now or at any time. This is built into the templates of integrity which now are grounded. If it's not been honest, it doesn't hold up in higher court. This includes how long you agreed to be in this life or what you said you would accomplish before leaving. You all must know too that any suicides of true ascensionists will not be held against them. All situations must be completed eventually and you are responsible for the emotional disturbances that are a part of you because of the lies, but to step back and start over is completely understood.
With great love and honor for all who walk this path,
Monikah
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Post by Monikah on Nov 28, 2004 11:34:14 GMT -5
Hi, AgeA,
You were writing as I was. I can relate in many ways. Met and I, for all the good it does being twins, are very far apart in our living situation. It's quite painful and the main reason I want to check out. My heart at times seems like it cannot go on. I've touched him, I've touched our home, I've touched our family ... and yet I'm here and he's there. Some of it is our positions and the political and energetic necessity of the situation. Some of it is just the reality of rebulding our relationship and needing the space to be our Selves as we do so. We both would prefer it to not be this way ... he's not in any easier position than I am, and being any closer is painful for both of us. So we remain apart other than "radio" communiques and a vibration when he's next to me at night.
I really have no words for you other than, you are not alone.
Hugs,
Monikah
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Post by Monikah on Nov 28, 2004 14:06:30 GMT -5
I'd like to say too that this is an emotional clearing for me, one side of the story. As Metaphon has gotten closer to 3d it became clearer to him that things weren't as he was led to believe by those he had in positions of governance, thus what he planned was planned without adequate information. In other words, he too was veiled. And those who have controlled this planet and blocked the alpha omega point have not been forthright in their carrying out various treaties and compromises made to relinquish control, and this has played greatly into what we embodied ones have to do.
So though I have legitimate complaints, I also have to consider the other side, my purpose in busting the system all the way to the most high, and the much larger view than my personal heartache.
Peace,
Mon
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- that goes to something Sea said recently about promises made by spirit and the living experience not measuring up). It also imparted a great love for me, something I was sorely needing at that precise moment. 
