Feeling so lost and discouraged

[LilliHart]

It's been a long time since I posted on these emotional boards. And why now? Who knows, except that for the one reason that whenever I have come here I feel safe...odd because anyone can read what I say online but for some reason I feel that as a group we have held this as sacred space and it is safe for me to vent.

I have spent my entire life this incarnation waiting for something...something to happen, something to change, something to get better, something to save me, somthing to evolve, something to heal me. The other day an old friend of 35 years with whom I have just been reunited was talking and said she didn't believe in reincarnation. It was shocking to me because I couldn't even fathom that thought. She asked me what I thought about it and after a few seconds I responded.

I told her that my thinking about this was that our souls were eternal and came and went from wherever they wished to wherever they wanted to go. But that in this lifetime we only get one chance to express ourselves as the Susans, or MirRa's, or Soweys or whomever we are in this expression of form and matter. So yes, in one way or another it did make it true that you are born, grow old, die, get put in the ground and rot...as she stated.

And of course I've been thinking about this for days. In all my years of waiting and doing whatever it was I did to march to the beat of my own drum, I always thought there would be more. I always believed there was another answer, a possible different outcome for me and for the world, the omniverse. I have always believe we are the makers of our own universes and our own realities. and then I began to look at my life today and shudder.

Some how I have forgotten and have been creating by default. I never wanted what I have right now. Well I never wanted some of what I have right now. I know I keep making choices daily about what my life is about and with every word I speak I choose moment by moment. But the horrifying thing is, well, that I have created a life that I absolutely despise. I have focused unwittingly on everything I dont' want, everything I am afraid of, everything that hurts me and brings me sorrow, fear, heartache. Why? I have no damned idea but Why have I destroyed my own life?

I remember when I stepped off the karmic wheel years ago. when I knew I was ready to stop living the kind of belief system that told me what I 'should' be doing and decided I could now choose to be and live who I am anyway I And then I got lazy or stopped caring, got afraid and stopped caring and ended up here. I have created ill health, near poverty, social ineptness, isolation and over sensativity, anger, fear, lack of confidence and suffering for myself and many around me that is unconscienable.

And I'm supposed to be a trained adept!! And the lies seems to seep from my pores. I have to come here to be real because I can't in the flesh...there is no where to go, no one to listen or help. I have to become enraged with my self to create instead of creating from love and joy. Everything is backwards. What the hell happened? Where did I go?

I don't want to be a part of the human race and yet i have anchored myself into the human race knowing that this is all I have in this one expression of self in this life time. The body is human. I used to dream about 'going home' to another planet, another dimension. I dreamed about salvation and ascension into another dimension anohter time and now I am at the gates of the ages with nothing but a broken being dragging around, fat, isolated, broke, angry, disappointed, disillusioned...and maybe there really IS NOTHING else! Nothing else except what I am experiencing in my one shot at being Susan or whoever I seem to be today.

I can barely walk, I can barely stand for more than 5 minutes...I become violently sick when I eat most foods, and when I go out in the world and am around the majority of people. I can't even stand the sun in my eyes. It hurts me. Is this the new world? And yet with all this I KNOW...

I KNOW out there... I KNOW the universe and I'm good OUT THERE. I KNOW how to move energy, move mountains, create planets, transit time, blend through dimensions and time/space. I KNOW but here I know nothing. I have not figured out how it works and am afraid and keep thinking time is running out. And in a very human way it is.

Recently I have been involved in sevearl groups online and of course no one can see anyone else. We are just minds/souls communicating and working on this and that together. Last week someone did a survey on one of my groups to find out the average age of the people on this site where I write. I had quite a shock. I am old. I never knew that before. Eveyone else there except a tiny handful of people are younger, much younger that I am in physical age. And yet I am an idiot when it comes to knowing what I am doing. So between 2012 being the 'around the corner illusion' and me being almost 60 (holy shit), time really is running out...at least for this body called Susan.

I feel have never lived. Rather I feel I have lived but never been satisfied or content. I am not now satisfied or content, or at peace or feeling like a nice homey safety net is around me. I'm sad and discourage and wondering why it all is. Why bother anymore because it makes no difference. The sum total of being here can be wrapped up simply by saying, "I am here for the experience" and who cares what that experience is. How very damned depressing.

Comments are fine if anyone comes to read this. I just had to get it out. There may be more. Who knows.

[Sowelu]

Your heart pouring is breathtaking, Lili. This post is so real... and that's music to my very essence. I know the pain you speak of, all of it in fact, but this is not just a "misery loves company" thing that prompted me to respond.

Humanity hasn't made room for much more than what you describe here, though the majority are loathe to admit it, too. So it sits on the underside of just about every human life, going unacknowledged and unexpressed. Some of us are here to "reveal" this truth... and your willingness to do so is what I find breathtaking. Bless you!!

You're a gift and I'm grateful for you. I love you... and I don't know what else to say except that as I read your words, I wished I was right there in your presence to hug you, cry with you, laugh with you... love you.

Thank you for sticking around. I'm so honored to know you.

Tons of love and gratitude for you,
Sowelu

[AgeA]

Lili I love your honesty here! MAJORITY of humanity live in the same old world of lack and suffering. We live in the society and there is almost nowhere to run from this world. You just accept it and move on and try to get the best of it. Perhaps, it won't change until majority of humans here will change their heart and mind and that might never happen so what. Are you afraid of death and being old? Are you afraid of lettin it all go? I can't believe but I am beginnin to feel old in a way too. I know what you feel now. I look young for my age but sometimes I feel like very old man....with a gray beard and a stick lol I love you Lili

[LilliHart]

Sowelu, We have done our little dances of the Susans here on EC over the years and brought to one another a form of validation and friendship. And I have learned here about acceptance through all the ups and downs throughout the years, the growing pains...both mine and others. For so long I felt it necessary for me to stand behind a wall, to speak in tongues and be someone...something. And now I have no place left to hide and no one else to be. I read recently a Charles Schultz line from a Peanuts poem and it is my new mantra..."Be who you are, because everyone else is taken". So I have come so far and now my alter ego is speaking through Peanuts. :-)

I love you too Sowelu and am so honored and overjoyed to have taken this journey with you and you too AgeA and everyone else here who let me be. I haven't grown, I've become. There was no place to grow, but there was room to become. I've felt so misunderstood in the world since I dropped by this time. I think we seek when we are in pain. I believe that those humans who have had a relative satisfying childhood have found a semblance of peace and happiness and have no need to seek. They And a new red car, a new wife or lover appears, new house, new job, abandon the kids and do a comb over instead of letting the shine pate show becomes another way of life for the dissatisfied seekers who were so content a mere year before. They believe that changing the outside circumstances will change the inside discontent and fulfill them.

And for me, for us, it is the reverse and that is the only difference. I know it's the inside that I must change to make the outside work. I know that thoughts are the tools, the fuel and the desire that helps me create...so why did I let my thoughts become my enemy? Why have I abandoned myself and grown to hate myself and my life in the way I have? Because I believed there was something else out there, something that would fix me and fix the world. I believed if I drank enough of the ascencion cocktail I would ascend. I would move into a place were there were fairies and dragons and life would be full of beauty and love. I believed that one day I would wake up and it would all be changed. And what I believed in was a lie. Is a lie...

Is this all there is? Yes, this IS all there is. I've been caught in a multitude of parallel universes filled with otherworldly wonder. I had to travel to the ends of the universe and back to convince myself that all that there is is what I have now. BE HERE NOW! In my desire for more, for OUT THERE, I neglected IN HERE. I abandoned my human Susan because I never liked her. She was too much work. Being OUT THERE was so much better, so much easier...I am so damn good OUT THERE.

But OUT THERE is really IN HERE. Everything we experience is a reflection of who we are and what we believe. I'm angry, the world looks like crap. I'm fat and uncomfortable, the world looks like a narrow doorway with a table of food on the other side I am allergic to. I'm lonely, and the world is empty. I'm broke and the world is full of finanancial ruin, credit card debt, collapsing markets and economies. These are all reflections of the horror I have created in my life with my thoughts and mind by default and through my laziness and neglect and my unwillingness and inability to choose another way. I feel the child in me is dying and I look out of the mask I call my body and see many children dying, being abducted, growing ill. There are no coincidences. There are only experiences.

I have neve had the luxury to be a dumb blonde and I so want that in my life. Just so I can try to understand what it is like to not think, to have no urges beyond my 5 senses. I know answers for questions I have never verbalized and yet I don't know what to do for myself. the answers are so simple I can't even accept them. They don't make sense, they are too simple. I was trained to see the complexities, to understand the depths not the shallows, to pierce the veil and missed out on the simple fact that the answers were on the shelf right under my nose, smacking me between my eyes.

Is this all there is? YES, this is ALL there IS! No mother ship, no salvation, no everafter. Oh I know my soul will go on, find new journeys to take and new lives to live...maybe. Or maybe no more incarnations. But I also know that this is the time for Susan. I am not afraid to die and I am not afraid to be old. I am afraid to live and know at the end I lived by default, knowing I could do better and not doing so. I am afraid that I will continue to create what I least love and most hate. I am afraid I will destroy whatever beauty, love and joy comes into my life with my own darkness. I am afraid I will not be able to let go when I need to. I am afraid to suffer and continue to want something I can't have only because I am unwilling to do what it takes to have it. Sometimes I am afraid to go to sleep at night...most of the time, and wake up in paid, wake up from a dream and discover there is nothing there but me. I don't want to end my life as Susan not having experienced everything that I wanted to experience and knowing I betrayed myself in the process. I am afraid I cannot love enough or at all.

The starchild has finally landed. I miss my thoughts of life on Lyra. I miss my star family who in truth no longer matter as much because for all the time I spent with them I neglected my life and my earth family. It was so much easier. I shimmer here on earth now with the fairies and the divas. I am ready to be reborn into myself. I don't know why or why I have even thought this thought, but I now it is time. The only way to ascend is to descend into matter first. You can't go up if your're already there. So you go down until the time comes to go up again. I want another chance, in this body. I want what I sort of remember I was promised before I came here. I am tired and I want to rest. I want the satifaction of knowing I made the right choice.

[Sowelu]

Honest to god, Lili... you're awesome. I'm sitting here in tears, also unable to walk or move very well for the last week, and I'm in tears at your words. You speak for SO many, do you realize that?

If I'm god, and I am, then I state with certitude that you deserve not only your second chance in that body, but soooooo so much more. Your very heart's desire... in form, since that's where you are. Nothing less will do. Amen.

Bless you a billion fold.

I love you, (((Hugs)))
Sowelu

[LilliHart]

No I don't realize it Sowelu. I am so isolated and have so little contact with anyone besides the people I do business with that I have no idea what is happening in the world. I am completely out of touch. And the people that I do have contact with are so obnoxious that my sorrow and pain increase daily for having to deal with them.

Karen, of "What's up on planet earth" said we needed our store fronts for survival. But my store front has broken glass and horrible people. It is destroying whatever is left of me. I have always been a very responsible person in 3D but I am at a breaking point and willing almost to walk away from everything except my pets and my kids just for some peace. Problem is that even in the good old USA you still need money and I ain't got none any more. So I sit here and shrivel up day after day. I never leave the house if I can help it and just shrivel more and more.

My business is entirely online so it's like I'm chained to my computer day and most of the night and when not here I am trying unsuccessfully to sleep. Sigh...Who knew that this woud be where I would have to reside during these times. No more proud White Queen I can tell you that...LOL I'm feeling more like a drowned street rat these days.

I'm sorry you are also not feeling well. There is no cure for this disease. They have names for it, a whole slew of names but in truth I think it is a disease of the spirit and has taken so many of us down. I don't remember putting in for this crap when I signed up. I remember agreeing to do my deeds and then being allowed to write my own swan song and live in peace. Not happening!

Sorry for all my typos and wordos. My hands are so riddled with gout that I have a hard time now with typing and it's what I do for a living. So by the time I get here I really mess up. I hope what I've written is easy to grasp because I'm not editing. :0)

Tell me what's hurting and maybe together we can fix it, sooth it, share it and find a way out of the tunnel.

I love you and am so glad you're still here on EC. I know you've put in your time here Sowelu, but I have to say you are one of the main reasons I still come to visit. I miss so many of the old folks and it's always so wonderful when others post. I wish there was a way to bring the blood back to these boards and make them sing again.

Love
Lili

[Sowelu]

Though I also tend to feel like a drowned street rat these days, and also hardly ever leave the house, I seem to be finding something inside that's along the lines of "never give up". Could be a craziness, sure... but I stay here at EC for the same reason.

I feel strongly that humanity has not yet felt the truth of heart-based living and my life is so entirely dedicated to it happening, that I will maintain heart whenever, wherever I can manage it... and I'll add the dramatic phrase "even if it kills me". Let's face it, I don't actually have any other life, so this is it. And it gets my all.

Don't let that fool you, though, it's as miserable a life thus far as one can imagine. But... I can't help it... I look at another human being and I fall in love. Over and over and over again. I think humanity is the most courageous, strong, faith-filled race of beings that probably ever existed in Creation. I am a huge fan. I know the horrific pains of human existence intimately, and so when I watch people walking through their always difficult, confusing and disappointing lives... and then see them dare smile at another or reach out to help someone up -- knowing how tough their own row is to hoe each day -- I'm floored. Every time. It's a hallmark of humanity, you know, despite all the negative press to the contrary.

How can I not give it my all, you know? So I probably take on far more than is "mine to do" energetically, and I bitch and moan the whole way through... but I also know there is a possibility, a potential... that I would lose everything and die to serve. And that these amazing peoples of earth deserve to have it. A heart-based existence in a physical world, where love reigns and all are honored.

I don't know if the possibility can be realized today, in 3 or 4 years, 100, or never frankly... but I keep plugging away with all I have regardless. I guess once you find a reason to live it's easier to get through anything knowing you're serving it. Maybe not perfectly, maybe not as you would like... but knowing my aim without knowing the steps is good enough as long as I'm breathing.

I never really put this to words, actually, so if it sounds melodramatic, well, I think I'm a fan of that too, at essence. I had a reading ages ago where the woman went deep and the first thing she said as she came back to share what she was shown was, "Remember that you actually love drama. That's what they're showing me. It's the whole reason for all of this. So don't be thinking you want to get rid of it or that you hate it... you actually, deeply enjoy it."

I thought it was a mean thing to say. Cuz -- omg I just realized -- at that very time, I had my first back injury and couldn't walk! Just like I'm dealing with lately, the same kind of miserable, dramatic pain where I need help to pee, you know? Who the hell wants THAT?! But yeah... I know she was right, too. I can feel it, now and then throughout this life.

I had a funny switch just recently, where I seem to not care so much about me and "my suffering" anymore. But I get LIVID if someone I love has to jump through hoops with their hands tied behind their back just to get a basic need met. I get so angry if someone isn't treated with respect by another. I don't get angry at anyone, except maybe "The Plan". I just feel that the suffering should be done now. It's as though I can feel that we "did it", somehow... except for the last few manifest proofs. It's done. And so no one should still have to be going through life with such horrific experiences anymore. It's time for something more. Something better. Far, far better than this bullshit that keeps cropping up.

Though I'm crippled and all, I yell at the universe pretty regularly in those moments with, "I won't have it! This is unacceptable. NO ONE should EVER have to go through this crap ever again. No. I refuse to allow this shit anymore!" *heehee* (yeah, I love drama... ;D)

And on that note... Lili... when you dare to dive in and get "consumed" by something and then share about it... you do it with such beauty. I know that sounds weird, but you're soooo beautiful when you passionately spew about your actual, real life experience and all it makes you think and feel. I am by no means intending to minimize your experience to entertainment, it's not like that at all. It's more that it's like the most beautiful opera performance by the most talented diva in the world. It's... breathtaking. It evokes tears and tingles and a knowing that you're watching a true soul using its medium with mastery. And I cannot tell you how grateful I am that you are willing and step up the way you do.

Every one of us could have left by now, you know. And look how many did not. I know it sucks. I know it's damn frikkin' hard and confusing and disappointing and aggravating and all of that... but I'm not the only one still here! We must share a knowing deep inside that enables us to keep going... you know?

Well I'm writing a book here, sorry. It's just that you trigger me in just that way, Susan, that brings on the deeeeeep love, the devotion, the adoration... of life. And people and possibilities and community and communication...

So stick that one in your craw, eh? LOL!! Go figure! But you've done that for me all along, since we "met". And I couldn't be more pleased about it, nor more grateful to you for it.

Lame form but a full heart of love,
Sowelu

[ADMIN]

Lil!
I agree with what have been said and for your courage to share you intimate emotions with us here on EC.
I think that this is the reason this space has to be here. Where else can we feel we are accepted and understood. A sacred heaven is like what we hold in our hearts and are afraid to whom we share it with.
You have spoken on behalf of many who are feeling the same way and that I something very nobel of you to do, share and know that we are here for you!
Blessing and know the LIFE in deed is a CELEBRATION!

[LilliHart]

Well just like death, taxes and clockwork, I am back here at EC and feeling the sorrow and grief of my life again. There were a few weeks stuck in between the tears where I thought maybe I could cope, and maybe there was hope, but nope what a dope!

I am so lost in the pain I have created here, in a life that just doesn't work and I feel like I have run out of ideas. I used to always have a trick up my sleeve when the shit hit the fan and I could come up with some other idea or method to get by but not any more. I just seem to have forgotten what to do and how to dig myself out. I've lost touch with who I am and been enfolded in a life and death struggle to keep this body alive. In my almost total isolation, I am shriveling and dying.

Been sick physically and I don’t know how to get better. I just keep getting more and more things wrong with me. Now I have GOUT for god sake, in both feet and hands. So I periodically get all gimped up and crippled in pain and can't even think or move. And if it's not physical it's the damn lack of money and a business that has become a complete curse. What the fuck! None of what used to work works any more. Even my daughter has noticed it.

I watched the YouTube I'm I posting here and I cried. I have forgotten that I was born into this and from day one have been here for reasons I have come to find incredible. I have lost this state, lost my health, my sanity, my wealth, and my reason for being here. There is no help, no one to turn to, nowhere to go and it seems no reason to stay. But here the fuck I am anyway.

Even my beloved pets are getting on my nerves and my kids who I fight with for no other reason than for entertainment it seems.

OMG I am so angry! I am so angry that I have to go through this, or that I somehow created it and can’t seem to get out of it. I am so angry because I am so unhappy. I am so angry because I have not got what I want in my life. OMG I can’t even find the words or scream loud enough to make it all go away. OMG OMG OMG OMG OH MY GOD WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU? And why can’t you help?

I’ve turned into a blubbering fool, one who never leaves the house, never gets dressed, barely gets clean, never leaves the damned computer and has no connections with the outside world anymore. Where did I go? Anyone out there find me in a corner at your house?

[LilliHart]

And yes anyone can comment if you are so inclined.

[Sowelu]

[LilliHart]

What does that little face stand for Sowelu? It's like, X marks the spot...LOL

[Sowelu]

Do you not see the animation? Ohhh... huh. I'll try it this way, maybe you'll see it (maybe your browser doesn't know how to translate the ubbc code?) Here's the image file that the coding is supposed to produce:

Let me know if you see it now... you should see an animation of a pink smiley on the right, hugging a blue smiley on the left. Over and over and over again. *heehee*

[LilliHart]

Yes I see it. Right back atacha.

[AgeA]

Then what are you afraid of Lili? If you dying alive anyway then get out in the real world. Get strong, get healthy again and you will feel good to be with other people and won't feel will lonely. The world has tons of drama for you to play and you will feel alive. Haha Also you will feel good about yourself when you will give to others the knowledge and wisdom that you have. When you will love yourself again and people will give you back their love you will know that you made the right choice. LOL