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Post by Cante on May 23, 2009 23:56:02 GMT -5
I have tried so hard over the last 10 years to clear my emotional baggage and reach true forgiveness. I have two grown children and I feel like I am a failure today because they dont work, they didnt finish school and would not survive if it wasnt for me. But according to my daughter it is my fault because of the way I raised her. She is 30 years old. I am trying not to let this bitch of a kid push my buttons but its really hard. I had issues with my parents too and moved out when I was 16 and I make my own living - I always did.
I disowned my dad last year. Tonight my brother said he called me satan. I tried and tried and tried to reach forgiveness with my dad but he just never got it and still hated on me so I just walked away.
I have been nursing a near migraine for 3 days now and all this drama yesterday and today hasnt helped.
I chose to not have friends anymore either because they just stab me in the back. At least if I am alone and not confiding in anyone anymore I know my words cant get twisted and spread around maliciously.
Anyway I dont know if this was a vent but I needed to let someone know how I feel. Even thought the world would be better off If I wasnt in it anymore! OMG not that bad....
The energy is stronger as each day passes and I guess the one thing I can console myself with is I am glad I did a lot of work on releasing prior to all this or else I would probably feel worse than I already do! Thanks for reading everyone!
Love,
Cante
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Post by Sowelu on May 24, 2009 0:50:22 GMT -5
 I love you, Cante. Sowelu |
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Post by Cante on May 24, 2009 9:26:00 GMT -5
Thank you Sowelu, I love you too. And I love all who come to this board. Last night I felt all alone again and this is where I wound up. I came here because I always feel better after visiting this place. And I knew I could post something without being judged or hated on.
I still feel bad and I try so hard to not feel bad about what others think of me. This week has been a great challenge. I realize that I am not as evolved as I like to think I am since I still have thoughts about wanting to go out and kill some of my blood relatives. But I think I will just keep on living life without them. My daughter pretty much burnt her bridges with me the other day and I am tired of her bullshit. I have all her kids here with me because she cant take care of them. But now I dont know what to do because I have to work and I need to find someone to watch them. Meanwhile, she is partying all night and sleeping all day without a care in the world. I have made up my mind to cut ties with her and if she wants to straighten up and have her kids back fine but I am through helping her with any thing more. I have supported her lazy addict ass for 30 years and I am done.
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Post by Sowelu on May 24, 2009 11:15:03 GMT -5
First... I'm really glad that you felt you had a loving place to go in your painful time. We all need this. I know this particular time is especially difficult, and most especially for mothers, actually. I spoke with an old friend on the phone last night who is going through pretty much the exact same thing as you with her family, Cante. Breathe. Remember that there is a reason for going through all this difficulty, and it's not for some fluffy nebulous something "out there" or in the future... it's for your own health and sanity right NOW. You need to free yourself of old ties that are unhealthy, and those loved ones you're breaking free from need to wake up and take self-responsibility. It's time. These codependent relationships are keeping us all from a truer way of relating from the heart. But do try to just focus on your stuff, and let others go through these shifts in whatever way they need to. Remember always that we ALL love each other greatly in truth, and the petty difficulties of this lifetime do not cancel eternal, unconditional love. That's the core of each and every one of us. I promise you that. We are creating a foundation for a whole new way of experiencing human life in the physical realm. It's a tall order and you're a strong, capable old soul with a lot of courage... that's why you're here. You're the best person for the job at hand, and you're not in your circumstance by accident. You have what it takes to walk through this amazingly difficult time and come out the other end virtually unscathed. No matter how it feels now. No matter how it looks now. No matter what kinds of thoughts and emotions you're enduring right now. These will pass. Let them move through with honest expression (as you have) but don't hang onto them after that. We didn't know how to have healthy relationships in the past. Ok? We just... didn't. And now we're learning how to, and it's requiring adjustments that are tough. Those who have benefited from our unbalanced generosity in the past will give us the most grief as we make our changes. They're not bad people, they're actually afraid. Of life, of responsibility, of how to stand on their own two feet... and that's their path of learning. Not ours. We've done our part. And by letting them go to face their own selves in turmoil we are not evil or bad people either. We are those who have the strength to do what must be done... for the greatest good of all. You are deeply loved, deeply supported, and cheered on by those who understand what's truly going on. Your anger is valid, Cante. We are angry at ourselves for the miscreations of the past, now that we can see with more clarity. But don't beat yourself up, ok? Remember that we did the very best we could with what we understood in the past, and there is nothing to feel badly about. Projecting that anger at others will feel bad to you, too, when the chaos clears. No one's done anything wrong, no one is truly evil or bad, we are all just scared, lonely, confused and wanting to push off self-responsibility wherever we can get away with it. Because it all seems "too much" right now. Again... breathe. It's ok. I promise better days are ahead. You're already most of the way through this. (((((Hugs!))))) Tons of love and gratitude for you, Sowelu |
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Post by Cante on May 24, 2009 22:42:11 GMT -5
Oh thank you Sowelu!
You have a gift of always saying the right thing to me. Your words have made me feel lots better. The daughter came after her kids today and it was like nothing ever happened..haha..but I learned something too. Im not going to give as much anymore. I have to take care of me first.
This week has been very difficult. First my daughter, then my disowned dad. Today a young man called me up on the phone and screamed lots of obscenities at me, saying I broke out his van windows. He called me lots of names I wont pollute the board with. I was like "I never did anything to your van." So he is like gonna come out here and "F me up" so I say "why dont you come out here and say it to my FACE?" He screamed something else and then hung up on me. This is another kid of NO blood relation that I have helped out a lot. Yes people are scared and confused and all that but I dont deserve the anger. So much drama and people just THRIVE on it dont they? OMG....Anyway I am going to bed and I pray that his new moon will dissipate some of the energy that is going around me....I LOVE YOU SOWELU!!! THANK YOU!!!
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Post by Sowelu on May 24, 2009 22:51:00 GMT -5
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Post by A.H. on May 26, 2009 20:21:24 GMT -5
I think if we if step back from these situations and become the Watcher, giving space, allowing and the energy will change. No not always right away but it will if we allow it. And not before we bring up old energy that we need to acknowledge and release. (((hugs)))
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Post by Colourmagic on May 28, 2009 13:26:28 GMT -5
Keep grounded and don't let anyone push you around. I'm sending you love in this difficult and trying time. It will get better and time is a great healer for all parties involved.
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