Practical Spirituality - Give Yourself Away...

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Give Yourself Away
and Honor Your Heart

Part One

by Patricia Spadaro

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From a special series on The Inner Art of Giving and Receiving: How to Get Beyond the Myths to the Magic

May I be a lamp to all who need a lamp!
—Shantideva

“It is more blessed to give than to receive.” “The one who gives is the one who receives most.” “We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.” Myths or magic? That all depends on the why and the when and the how of our giving—and these all depend on just one thing: the heart.

No matter how true those oft-quoted words of wisdom may be, they are mere platitudes unless we understand and experience that giving is not about giving up or giving in but about giving birth—to ourselves. Honoring ourselves. In the details of our days, it’s easy to lose sight of the meaning behind the moments and of what we are really doing when we are “doing.” It’s easy to forget that we aren’t fated to be just reactors but actors, not mere imitators but creators.

You are a creator. Every day, you are blessed with an allotment of energy to do with what you will. This energy makes your heart tick, keeps you breathing and gives you the stamina to move through your day. What you do with that energy—how you choose to shape it through your thoughts, your feelings and your interactions with others—is your gift to life. That gift is literally shaped by the intent of your heart, and when you give the best that your heart has to offer, you not only honor others but you honor yourself.

We tend to think of giving and receiving as intentional acts, but in reality we are always giving. Every moment we are giving birth to something. When we see ourselves, literally, as creators, then “giving” suddenly takes on new meaning. When we give, we take the energy that the universe has so generously put at our disposal moment by moment, every day, and give it form and expression. We stamp it, so to speak, with our personal signature, the signature of our heart. As spiritual pioneer Elizabeth Clare Prophet once said, “Love is the creative force and power. You are a co-creator with God. It's an awesome responsibility. What are you going to do with your power to create? What are you going to create?”

Myth: Life happens, and we are often just reactors.

Magic: We are creators, giving to life all the time.

In the language of the heart, giving translates as giving birth to something that is a part of yourself, and then giving that part of yourself to someone who needs it more than you do. Giving in this way is honoring yourself because you are allowing your heart to do what it was made to do—to give and to receive love. Psychologist and philosopher Eric Fromm said, “Giving is the highest expression of potency. In the very act of giving I experience my strength, my wealth, my power….I experience myself as overflowing, spending, alive, hence as joyous. Giving is more joyous than receiving, not because it is a deprivation, but because in the act of giving lies the expression of my aliveness.”

How can we tell when our giving is the highest expression of our aliveness? You don’t have to be clairvoyant to see the form and expression your energy creations take. It’s easy—just watch their effect on others. If you have created from the heart, your giving will buoy up those who receive it. If you have given with resentment or bitterness, or because you feel you’ve been forced into a corner, the gift is more bitter than sweet. Just ask yourself how you’ve felt when someone has grudgingly given to you.

John Chrysostom, a prominent early Christian, taught that we dishonor ourselves and others when we give with grumbling or with a grudge. “If you are full of resentment, how can you help someone in the depths of misery?” he asked. “If you give resentfully, even if the gift is substantial, it will be a pittance.” As Shakespeare so eloquently put it, “Rich gifts wax poor when givers prove unkind.”

Of course, we must keep in mind that grumbling, irritation or resentment, or our urge to hold back or close down, can often be a sign that we aren’t balancing what we give to others with what we are giving to ourselves. Don’t judge yourself for having those feelings; notice and learn from it. If you can’t give wholeheartedly, with the fullness of your heart, you may need to give more to yourself, to nourish yourself, before you feel capable of giving more to others. Giving with a grudge is not a matter of right or wrong, good or bad. It’s a matter of discovering why and adjusting the flow.

Better Than Bigger

As a child I understood how to give. I have forgotten this grace since I have become civilized.
—Luther Standing Bear

Being out of balance is just one reason why we may not be able to give wholeheartedly. Another is simply that that we have been schooled in a culture whose long-held beliefs mask the magic of giving with the heart. Even if we have been taught otherwise, we are showered with media messages whose goal it is to convince us that when it comes to giving, the bigger and more expensive the gift, the better. As little children sizing up our stack of birthday or holiday gifts, that’s the way it seemed. But take a moment and think about the times, as a child or adult, when you felt most happy, joyful or at peace.

Were these moments really defined by how much money someone spent on you? Or was it the time and attention you received, the closeness, care and comfort you experienced, that made you exuberant? The truth is, better than bigger is the gift of the heart.

Myth: The bigger and more expensive our gifts, the better.

Magic: Better than bigger is the gift of the heart.

One summer day, just after my husband and I had moved into our new home, my almost five-year-old neighbor Sophie peeked through the trees lining her backyard and introduced herself. After she and I had exchanged some important facts about each other, like how old she and her sister were and the names of my kitties, she suddenly asked, “What’s your favorite color?” “Well, I like yellow,” I replied. In an instant, she was off, disappearing around the side of her house, calling behind her shoulder, “Stay right there, stay right there!” When she returned, she came bearing gifts. “Here’s a flower from our garden,” she announced, “a yellow flower.” With a smile big enough for the both of us, she stretched her arm toward me. She was carefully holding between her fingers a perfect yellow pansy.

It’s been a couple of years since Sophie graced me with her pansy and I’m sure she’s forgotten all about it. But I’ll never forget her gift—and the smile that leapt from her heart and landed smack in the middle of mine. Sophie knew instinctively what the beloved classic of India, the Bhagavad Gita, has taught for millennia: “He who offers to me [God] with devotion only a leaf, or a flower, or a fruit, or even a little water, this I accept from that yearning soul, because with a pure heart it was offered with love.” It’s not just what we give, but how we give that counts. It’s not the size of the gift but the size of our heart.

Can Gifts Be Cop-Outs?

You give but little when you give of your possessions.
It is when you give of yourself that you truly give.
—Kahlil Gibran

No matter how much we spend on our gifts, it doesn’t make up for what our heart is doing. In fact, those big, expensive gifts can be cop-outs. We’ve all done it—run to a store at the last minute to get someone a gift, any gift. Or we’ve bought a gift that we liked and then were surprised when the person we gave it to wasn’t quite so excited about it. Neither of those kinds of giving really meets the other person’s needs or honors the creative spirit within us.

The alternative doesn’t have to be hard or time-consuming. We can be creative with our gifts by giving with our heart, not just with our head. A neighbor once mentioned to me that her family had given her the best Mother’s Day gift she had ever received—a coupon for a massage. “Forget about more ‘stuff,’ she told me. “I’ve got more than enough stuff. I told my husband and my kids: keep those massages coming!” The gift hit its target—her heart—because her family had gone into their hearts and figured out what she needed.

Joanie told me how she had recently gotten creative with her gift-giving. She had been invited to a baby shower for a good friend who was expecting twins. She knew how busy life would become for her friend once the babies arrived, so she bought something for the newborns to wear and also gave her friend a one-year open invitation to call her at any time to help fold laundry. “My friend was thrilled,” she said. “She appreciated that more than anything else I could have given her.”

One of my special memories from childhood was how much my family appreciated my home-made birthday cards. As a child, I loved to design cards and write beautiful sentiments to my parents and sisters. I’ll never forget my dad and mom telling me how much they loved those cards. They encouraged me to keep creating those cards with my personal touch instead of buying the glitzy cards from the store.

While it seems easier to look outside of ourselves for the perfect gift, every opportunity for gift-giving is an opportunity to give away a special part of ourselves. Margaret, for example, has been operating for much of her adult life on the premise that the time we take to share with a friend is far more important than giving or getting a gift. Born and raised in Ireland, she grew up in an environment where children received gifts for holidays, but not the adults. She explained how she felt about gift-giving one day to Sandra, a co-worker she had recently become good friends with. As Christmas drew near, Margaret pulled her new friend aside and bluntly told her, “You know, I have to give you the lecture I give all my friends, just so you know where I’m coming from. Don’t get me a Christmas present or a birthday present, because I don’t want one. What am I going to do with more things? If you want to take me out to lunch, that’s fine because we get to spend time together. But if you get me a gift, you’ll just have to work even harder to pay for it and then you’ll have even less time to spend with me! Do you see what I mean?”

As Sandra later told me this story, she said, “I actually felt relieved, and I was able to appreciate our friendship much more.” Then Sandra remembered that a few years ago for Christmas, she had decided to do something similar. She spent money on only two gifts. For all the other people she would normally have given gifts, she spent some time alone with them instead. “It was the best Christmas I ever had,” she recalled. “I got to spend time with all my favorite people and I wasn’t rushing around shopping. I didn’t even go to the mall once!”

The Transformative Power of Focused Attention

When I give, I give myself.
—Walt Whitman

One of the most important gifts of our time is our time. With so many demands placed upon us all, giving our undivided attention to another can be magically healing. That means giving our attention exclusively, not “listening” while we’re driving or watching TV or answering our cell phone or letting our eyes wander to everything else that is going on around us, only half there. No distractions—just you and them. Sounds simple, but how often do we do it? How often do we maintain an unbroken and complete flow of concentration with those who need us? As a Zen master once appropriately advised, "When walking, just walk. When sitting, just sit. But above all, don't wobble!"

Giving our full and focused attention to others honors both them and us, and it breeds that rare and precious commodity of true intimacy, closeness, connectedness. It’s a choice we make each time we give. Think about it. How do we know when two people are deeply in love? For one, lovers only have eyes for each other, as the saying goes. Each one’s gaze is locked on the beloved—so much so that they don’t notice what’s going on around them. When we are locked in the embrace of an unbroken circle of energy, we feel deeply loved and supported, because at that moment we are the sole object of our partner’s attention. That kind of connection and support creates magic no matter what relationship we’re dealing with—at home, at work, or at play.

I once experienced the transformative power of focused attention in a job supervising a group of editors. Part of my job was to answer questions and problem solve, and although I would be at my desk listening to the questions and issues that daily needed attention, my phone was always ringing with other important issues that needed to be solved. I didn’t realize how exasperating and even disrespectful this felt to my teammates until one of them pointed this out to me in a loving way. I learned to turn the phone off and let the calls go through to my answering machine when I was engaged in crucial or timely conversations with them. As a result, I was able to hear, understand and resolve issues much more quickly, and, more importantly, create more connected and compassionate relationships.

What and When Do We Give?

“I mean, what IS an un-birthday present?”
“A present given when it isn't your birthday, of course….There are three hundred and sixty-four days when you might get un-birthday presents—”
—Lewis Carroll, Through the Looking-Glass

Birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, weddings, Christmas, Hanukah or other holidays—so many occasions to give gifts. Yet the most touching gifts are often the ones that come as unbirthday or unChristmas or unanniverary gifts.

“It is well to give when asked,” wrote the Lebanese poet and artist Kahlil Gibran, “ but it is better to give unasked, through understanding.” How often do you stop to appreciate another’s heart and give spontaneously—perhaps a bunch of flowers to celebrate a project well done or to cheer up a friend or co-worker, or maybe a beautiful card or book to thank someone for being a part of your life?

People most need our gifts when they are experiencing difficulty or confusion, and yet that’s when we are most tempted to withhold our gifts. We take their churlish complaints or temper tantrums personally, when these are really SOS calls for support—an opportunity to give a part of ourselves to someone who needs it. “What’s wrong with them?” we ask instead of “Why are they hurting, and what do they need from me?” In the framework of her deep devotion, Mother Teresa expressed this sentiment when she said, “Dearest Lord, may I see you today and every day in the person of your sick, and, whilst nursing them, minister unto you. Though you hide yourself behind the unattractive disguise of the irritable, the exacting, the unreasonable, may I still recognize you, and say: ‘Jesus, my patient, how sweet it is to serve you.’ ”

[/b][/size][/ul]Sometimes the best gifts are the ones that violate the very rules we have learned about giving. A story handed down from the desert fathers, the early monks who lived in the desert land of Egypt, tells of two young monks who once asked Abba Poemen what he thought they should do if they caught other monks asleep during prayer time. “Shouldn’t we pinch them to make them stay awake?” they asked. “Well,” replied their more seasoned brother, “if I come across a brother who is sleeping, I place his head on my knees and let him rest.”

There is a story from the Hindu tradition that also teaches about giving from the heart to meet another’s need even before he or she asks. Swami Prabhavananda relates an incident during his training under his teacher, who, it seemed to Prabhavananda, was scolding him all out of proportion simply because he had failed to complete an errand. Another, more advanced student who was there at the time saw his dismay and confusion.

“Do you know why your teacher is so hard on you?” he asked him. When the young Prabhavananda replied that he couldn’t see how he was to blame, the other student explained that there are three classes of students, or disciples. The third-class student merely obeys his teacher’s bidding, he said. The second-class disciple doesn’t have to be instructed to do something; he intuits his teacher’s need as soon as the thought arises in the teacher’s mind. The first-class disciple, however, acts even before the teacher has had time to think of his or her need. The teacher wanted Prabhavanda to become a first-class disciple, the older student explained, and that is why he was so adamant in driving home the lesson.

Life calls each of us to surrender to that same instinct of the heart, to become attuned to another’s need and to see ourselves as an instrument of healing and comfort wherever we go. Generous giving is a natural impulse of the heart that senses another’s need and honors its own ability to meet those needs with its inner gifts.

These aren’t lofty, unreachable goals. We each have something to give in our own way, whether a generous smile of encouragement, an invitation to listen, some words of appreciation and praise, or a special skill. You have a role that is yours to play in your own sphere of influence. Your heart will show you how to give and what to give. You just have to listen. [/blockquote][/blockquote]

Read Part Two of "Give Yourself Away and Honor Your Heart."

Found here

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Note: Some names and minor details in stories have been changed to protect the privacy of those who have shared their lessons on life’s path.

Copyright © 2005-2008. Patricia R. Spadaro. All Rights Reserved.

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