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Post by bluerose on Jun 20, 2006 20:30:24 GMT -5
Crap crap crap, I don't know what I've gotten myself into. I've been gone away for a long time and this is the only place I feel I can trust right now to just be myself. So here goes...
I'm scared. I don't know what lead me away from the boards and out into the physical world, but I'm kind of sad that it happened. Part of me wishes it never did. Part of me wishes I could just turn back time and never ever have to face anything scary or upseting or other than what I want
I don't know why the hell I'm getting or "supposedly" getting married in a year. What the hell am I thinking? Why would I go and do that? What has changed? I swore forever that I never would and now look at me - I'm in a horrible situation that I used to say other people were out of their minds stupid for getting themselves into. I feel like such and ass.
I'm scared. I'm scared to marry this man who I am now questioning whether I should even stay one SECOND in his damn house!
I'm not even getting to the point. I guess I'm afraid to even get to the point but this was an attempt to start looking for it.
::Sigh::
God, I don't know what to do.
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Post by Sowelu on Jun 20, 2006 20:35:52 GMT -5
 I hear you, Jenn, and totally understand, my dear friend.  I love you, Jenn!  Sowelu |
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Post by Edward on Jun 20, 2006 21:20:05 GMT -5
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Post by ADMIN on Jun 21, 2006 8:07:04 GMT -5
Jenn, Being this the emotional clearing board, maybe some of the comments can shed some light...hope so.  Are you scared or do you fear the responsibility of a committed relationship? Are you not sure of the taking the step to give up your freedom of doing and going as you wish? Are you taking this step because you feel that it the norm or because you truly feel connected to this other soul? Have you thought of why you went away into the outer world to encounter this soul and what lesson there is in the realtionship? Have you thought of what the future will be if you do get married, verses staying single? There are many questions as to why you are accepting the situation, why you went away to sabor 3D in it's total spectrum and why now you are here back home... Weight these things, be sincere, do not be afraid, thery are all experiences needed to grow and help us move on. I understand why you may be afraid as I recently broke off my ten year relationship. Then out of the blues the realtion went back on track, maybe there is still something there that needs to be address, and we the chosen to play the roles are the only ones that can make it happen... I still remember the voice of a friend who said, there is Karma that hurts and Karma that is gratifying, either way we need to experience it.... ;D |
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Post by Nicole on Jun 21, 2006 10:15:20 GMT -5
Jenn- I hear ya girl.
It's awesome for you that you are looking into this now. If it is not meant to be, then better to resolve it now. If it is meant to be, better to resolve it now! I know you can sort out your fears, but you've taken the scary first step which is to acknowledge them. Good on you girl! I'm so proud!
And I'm here for you, whenever you need. We all are.
Love you!!!!
Nicole
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Post by dee on Jun 21, 2006 13:51:32 GMT -5
Jenn hello Please know that your confusion is a pathway towards deeper knowledge of yourself, and that is the gift! You have to really honour yourself right now, by asking yourself what you do want, and then focusing wholely on that. You are the only one who has the answers to your questions, it is important that you respect and love yourself deeply enough to be able to listen to the answers objectively. And hey, doesn't matter what you said 10 years ago or 10 minutes ago about what you want in life, what matters is how you feel NOW. Keep your chin up! The roller coaster eventually goes back up Much Love, Dee |
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Post by bluerose on Jun 22, 2006 22:14:52 GMT -5
::Sigh::
Thank you so much guys. After this post, he and I got in an argument because I told him that he hurt my feelings and then made me out to be the bad guy cause my feelings were hurt.
I wanted him so badly to just take what I said and understand that what he did was not ok with me, but he got defensive.
So, I turned it around on him and it pissed him off - so it's ok for you to be this way, but not for me to! It was so hard to be so hurtful to him, but it was the fire I had to light up under his ass to get him to realize it.
Then after we both completely expressed ourselves to each other we didn't talk for about an hour - during which time we were both really processing everything.
Then he came over and gave me an incredible long loving hug.
Sometimes when something "icky" creeps up I'm afraid to be honest in the moment, I'm afraid to get hurt and afraid to hurt him and then I freak out. But each time I face it and just express to him and allow the hurt and realizations that are born of it, we end up closer to each other.
And I do have a lot of thinking to do about all those Questions you mentioned, MirRa.
Are you scared or do you fear the responsibility of a committed relationship?
It is a whole new responsibility for me to take on. It's hard because I'm not used to it especially with all the kids and their mom's. It is a scary responsibility to have!
Are you not sure of the taking the step to give up your freedom of doing and going as you wish?
I am not always being true to what I want. I do give in a lot to things I would not choose on my own. Sometimes I go too far in giving in and cross over from "new experience" to not being true to me. I am proud of how much I am true to myself, but I have to admit there are times that I get upset and it is because I have given up too much.
Are you taking this step because you feel that it the norm or because you truly feel connected to this other soul?
The norm is easy to write off. When I feel myself in each moment, I am not afraid. But when I step back and look at it and see that it's everything I truely believed would never happen, it's a scary thought to be faced with - that I was wrong. In fact, when I saw him the first time, I knew we were going to be together and it scared me, so I avoided him and didn't even know his name for a year and a half! And of course there are issues that creep up and that's not easy. It's different from what used to be normal for me and that's what is scary.
Have you thought of why you went away into the outer world to encounter this soul and what lesson there is in the realtionship?
Heh, I'm embarrassed to say this, but I have to admit, that tucked very far away deep inside of me something must have been calling out for it while on the outside, I was being strong and putting up a hard shell for protection from being vulnerable and open to this kind of connection.
Have you thought of what the future will be if you do get married, verses staying single?
Either way I know I'll be happy. Either way I still get to make choices. Either way, I know we'll still be who we are.
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Post by bluerose on Jun 22, 2006 22:21:19 GMT -5
Dee,
Thank you sooooo much! I so appreciate what you have said to me, especially this part! "And hey, doesn't matter what you said 10 years ago or 10 minutes ago about what you want in life, what matters is how you feel NOW." This just sang to my soul. Thank you!
Gosh, I just have to say, you look sooooooo familiar to me too!
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Post by ADMIN on Jun 23, 2006 8:37:57 GMT -5
Jenn,  I posted all those questions for your reflection. As I can see you have pondered upon them, good! I know you will overcome the fear of loving and being loved, taking up a new role and even being a soul who will have an influence on another and vice versa. You are a strong woman, sometime we just need a nudge to make us think and give us a sense of direction. What ever the outcome, your decision, it is all for the best. Even if it looks like the worst, it is THE BEST! An example I can give you: I have a friend, she is very young 25 exactly. She was in a committed relationship for 5 years. The guy was the apple of her soul...they really clicked and seemed like the perfect couple. Hey, when everything looks so perfect, means their is much imperfection lying underneath. LOL! anyways, one day he came up to her and said he needed time for himself to go out with the guys, etc...you know the rest I guess. A month later they both decided to split and give each other time. In my opinion, if a partner ask you for time, don't give a time frame, get rid of that person for good.The only thing that is going on here then are invisible strings attaching each other which doesn't allow either one to move forward. Well, they split and later on she found out he had been seeing another woman and that was the reason he needed time. Now , this may all seem negative and hurtful, of course, breaking up is the worst feeling for many while for others it's like savoring freedom. Now my Friend since splitting up has made such huge leaps in her life. She changed jobs for a better paying one, she just purchased her own place (condo), she is now working two jobs, and now has a total different outlook on what her next relationship will be. I brought it to her attention that out of everything negative, there is something positive. If she would still be in her past relationship she would still be with the guy in his apartment, still partying out, still making less money, not going back to school, and she would just be conformed with that state. Back then she had no ambitions. But, when she split up, all her hidden dreams and aspiration came to the surface, she took on what she desired and is accomplishing so many things now. She totally agreed with me, I was stuck on a security blanket ( the guy) because I was afraid....AFRAID OF WHAT? It's all a lesson, a challenge, a role given to us so we can learn to grow and become wiser. So honey, give it your all, go for it, enjoy it, and remember you are the star of the movie and your leading role will take you to where ever your soul desires. |
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Post by liza on Jun 30, 2006 7:55:35 GMT -5
Hey Jenn.. It sounds to me as if you are contemplating some old beliefs and if they still have a place in your life, unless I'm wrong. A lady is entitled to change her mind, yanno. I wanna add to Dee's post - follow your heart, it will never do you wrong. Sure, you might run into problems now and then - that is what discussions with your partner are for - to create and to modify agreements wherever they are needed. A bonus if both of you are good with discussing and behaving, even. hehehehehe... it is easy to blame each other and to be dependent on each other for the wrong reasons. Maybe you just need the right reasons to marry this guy and to feel good about it? Hope it goes well for you, girl.. I wish peace, joy, and clarity in your situation. Psst.. it's ok to be scared. I was, when I thought WTF am I doing in a wedding dress... LOL |
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