Post by Sowelu on Jun 15, 2004 23:00:38 GMT -5
Well I rarely do this publicly anymore, but what the heck, here goes...
I've spent this life focused on clearing all that was in the way of my essential self, so that I could eventually BE the me I am at essence. With no "issues", no "stuff" that gets in the way of sharing with others from my heart.
After a great many years of this work, I'm feeling not just a burn out, but a sense that none of it was really worth much.
In the beginning of my conscious path, I had high hopes that what I'd discover on the healing path I could then turn around and share with others who might need assistance, reassurance or direction in their struggle.
But as my path progressed, what I found is that no one really needs that from me. LOL! We each have our lives, our guides, our path we're on, and we're each perfectly capable of coming to the realizations we feel we need, in our way, in our own time. I can support from the sidelines, but it's your show, or yours, or yours... just as mine is mine.
Not only that, but what I opened to on my path are understandings that most people around me are not interested in living from. A level of unconditionality that reveals that there is nothing wrong, nothing to fix, nothing to change.
A recognition that if you feel a desire to eat meat, then eating meat is right for you. If you feel a desire to fight for women's rights, then that's what's right for you. If you desire to kill another, then that is what is right for you. If you love or hate money, so be it, it is right for you in this now. All serves the All, and you are exactly perfect in your every expression, in every moment.
It's not my job to steer you away from anything you choose, it's not my job to judge your choices, it's not my job to be of assistance to you... because what I have to share is what works for me, not you. And that's as it should be.
On one hand, it's lonely. On the other, it's a lot easier for me to be in this world because I don't feel a need to change anything about it, and am willing to live, suffer or die without prejudice. But it's also a lot harder to be in this world.
Because... if I know that nothing around me needs changing or fixing or clarifying, that everything is completely as it should be in every moment... what's the value in my physical life now? What worth have I to share? "Who I Am", some will say.
Yes... well... who I am is someone who often serves as a catalyst, an irritant, a puzzle that frustrates... and I'm tired of it. It's been this way my whole life, and though I've come a long way in diplomacy and compassion, for myself as much as anyone else, so that I could ease the constant sense of being a cause for effects I'd rather not see... I'm tired of it.
I'm tired of being in a world that doesn't know the likes of me, because I live at a depth they steer clear of. A world that would like it if I could just come back to the surface. But that's not who I am.
So I isolate. I live "to myself", for the most part. I share once in a while, and it can be pretty nice, but it's not enough. There is a hugeness to me that I'd like to express, but I'm in a cage, it seems.
Of my own making, no doubt. That doesn't change the difficulty of it, though.
This life is truly a riddle with no one answer. I know this. And the journey is what's important. I know this too. In my heart, I mean.
But I wake in a physical world each day. A place to express, to "do" and to "think", and apply that thinking. But that's not who I am.
Anymore than it isn't who I am.
What I mean is, it's a part of who I am, but it's not all of me. And all of me... doesn't seem to fit any one "where".
But I don't leave, do I? Why don't I leave? There must be cause to stay. What is it?
My sense is that the next step is true creativity. Creating from a truly conscious place, with no subconscious detactors taking a bite out of my joy. The problem with that? I have yet to feel inspired to create anything.
I used to play the piano and love it. I used to paint, sculpt, draw... and love it. Then I woke up, and none of these things are able to satisfy the creative desire very well. They're too narrow, perhaps, or too structured... something.
"Find Happiness" my guidance suggested to me last night.
Ah yes... there's the rub. How to be happy with only a small part of what your heart desires?
Ech... deep, barren landscape. Hopefully, it will clear soon.
I've spent this life focused on clearing all that was in the way of my essential self, so that I could eventually BE the me I am at essence. With no "issues", no "stuff" that gets in the way of sharing with others from my heart.
After a great many years of this work, I'm feeling not just a burn out, but a sense that none of it was really worth much.
In the beginning of my conscious path, I had high hopes that what I'd discover on the healing path I could then turn around and share with others who might need assistance, reassurance or direction in their struggle.
But as my path progressed, what I found is that no one really needs that from me. LOL! We each have our lives, our guides, our path we're on, and we're each perfectly capable of coming to the realizations we feel we need, in our way, in our own time. I can support from the sidelines, but it's your show, or yours, or yours... just as mine is mine.
Not only that, but what I opened to on my path are understandings that most people around me are not interested in living from. A level of unconditionality that reveals that there is nothing wrong, nothing to fix, nothing to change.
A recognition that if you feel a desire to eat meat, then eating meat is right for you. If you feel a desire to fight for women's rights, then that's what's right for you. If you desire to kill another, then that is what is right for you. If you love or hate money, so be it, it is right for you in this now. All serves the All, and you are exactly perfect in your every expression, in every moment.
It's not my job to steer you away from anything you choose, it's not my job to judge your choices, it's not my job to be of assistance to you... because what I have to share is what works for me, not you. And that's as it should be.
On one hand, it's lonely. On the other, it's a lot easier for me to be in this world because I don't feel a need to change anything about it, and am willing to live, suffer or die without prejudice. But it's also a lot harder to be in this world.
Because... if I know that nothing around me needs changing or fixing or clarifying, that everything is completely as it should be in every moment... what's the value in my physical life now? What worth have I to share? "Who I Am", some will say.
Yes... well... who I am is someone who often serves as a catalyst, an irritant, a puzzle that frustrates... and I'm tired of it. It's been this way my whole life, and though I've come a long way in diplomacy and compassion, for myself as much as anyone else, so that I could ease the constant sense of being a cause for effects I'd rather not see... I'm tired of it.
I'm tired of being in a world that doesn't know the likes of me, because I live at a depth they steer clear of. A world that would like it if I could just come back to the surface. But that's not who I am.
So I isolate. I live "to myself", for the most part. I share once in a while, and it can be pretty nice, but it's not enough. There is a hugeness to me that I'd like to express, but I'm in a cage, it seems.
Of my own making, no doubt. That doesn't change the difficulty of it, though.
This life is truly a riddle with no one answer. I know this. And the journey is what's important. I know this too. In my heart, I mean.
But I wake in a physical world each day. A place to express, to "do" and to "think", and apply that thinking. But that's not who I am.
Anymore than it isn't who I am.
What I mean is, it's a part of who I am, but it's not all of me. And all of me... doesn't seem to fit any one "where".
But I don't leave, do I? Why don't I leave? There must be cause to stay. What is it?
My sense is that the next step is true creativity. Creating from a truly conscious place, with no subconscious detactors taking a bite out of my joy. The problem with that? I have yet to feel inspired to create anything.
I used to play the piano and love it. I used to paint, sculpt, draw... and love it. Then I woke up, and none of these things are able to satisfy the creative desire very well. They're too narrow, perhaps, or too structured... something.
"Find Happiness" my guidance suggested to me last night.
Ah yes... there's the rub. How to be happy with only a small part of what your heart desires?
Ech... deep, barren landscape. Hopefully, it will clear soon.
It must be horrible in that "waiting" stage. Waiting - stuck between death and rebirth. I guess it's like purgatory!
I also have no idea what it actually means in a practical sense. But, if it requires effort, no thanks. LOL! I'm tired. 
Thanks so much for the reminder that I still haven't remembered who I truly am. And that I chose to forget with purpose.