On being a parent and a creator

[AgeA]

I am doing it for myself first of all. You comments are welcome but i want get dirty here brutally honest. So you might consider if you want to read it any futher.

1.Poor creational concepts and obsession with HU-man.

I am close to 33 and by now I think I have the basics of human existence. I remembered my past lifetimes too to have my own opinion about being a Human.
I am talking about HUmans as they are on planet Earth not about humanoid races in general.

It might have been a good idea to try create a zoo on this planet and create something universal ubiquettes and thus unite all the differences. Personally to me it seemed like a stop-over from the beginning. Human race doesnt designed sufficiently well enough to be the inheritor of it all. I am one of those who hopes this human idea will be let go off at same time in the future when all the souls are tired of playing with it and we all will move to something better.

I know it might have some value in terms of soul development to be born a human and to experience the range of emotions and sensory perceptions that only a human can have. But I dont want to experience this forever it is not my choice. I am not saying here that in this lifetime I have experienced it all but on overall I had and also I can co-experience it just watching others. I dont want this suffering and pain forever. Again there is some very short moments of pleasure like sex and pleasurable sensations but otherwise it is mostly pain.

I have to say that just watching my grandfather for the past two years made me see a lot of pain. I have broken arms and had surgeries. but it is nothing compairing to what it is like to be paralyzed for more than two years. My grandpa paralyzed from the waist down. It is hell what he had gone through and I was there to see it. Enough.

(I am writing this now and this 'bundle of joy' wants to play. Fuck it. Why did i put myself through this. I have no time on my own no quiet time no nothing but fucking real life. It was good to be alone actually. I dont want to have kids anymore and he is not my kid. I am stepdad now just like my sterfather except that he never sat with me. I dont even remember him going to a single football game or playing it. No I am not blaming him actually I do understand him now.
He wanted to have a life of his own and so do I now. I dont want to sit with this kid , God please i need to get him into kindergarden somewhere. ...................
took him to the bathroom to pee continuing............It is intresting that many around me went through the same thing. Kids being born Why all this crazy kids being born if we moving ro another dimension. ....where was i ........kid almost strangled me just now........crying baby

man I totally missed it now he wants to eat..............

[AgeA]

I feel somewhat responsible I dont think Geoff would had a kid now if it wasnt for me. He always copied me and I wish he was a creator in his own right. I guess I didnt gave him something but it is never enough.
I remember thinking when Monikah was saying that she isnt responsible. It was almost like blaming her kids for being kids. No you are not responsible but since you created born something into existence you are responsible forever. And no one to blame that you kids are not smart enough not wise enough not 'good' enough. There is no one to blame, but yourself but you still have to deal with the consequences. Those are your children and it is stupid to say the least to blame them for raping you and taking from you. It is always only your own fault. You only hope that you will give them enough of everything they need and more than enough so that could be on their own some day and not needing you anymore. So far that didnt happened yet in this Universe, but Human race just a transitionary step in the overall development.

[Nicole]

AgeA,

Honey, you say that you take responsibility but in all of the years I have known you you still blame others for every bit of pain that you have. Maybe you know this, maybe you don't. At least you are processing. Blessings to you on that.

Love,
Nis

[AgeA]

Nicole it is not that I am blaming others now but more like others still blaming me for being me and being better than them in some ways sometime again. Of course, human experience can be so degrating at times so much that some enteties totally lost it while being here and after death they remain to be so. There is such thing as envy even up there. All I wanted is to be me and to create my own reality and have the means to do so but in this Universe you get blamed for that...continuing now....

Pain of course is a part of human experience or 'temporary vibration' as they like to say up there and it has value for some. Once you choose to be born here you choose to experience pain in some way or another and the rest of sensations so ultimately no one is to blame. However, until human race will be chosen by Mother/Father God of this Universe souls will continue in increasing numbers to be born as a human it is a fact of life and no one is to blame just angels following along...There are of course were always other 'angels' who didnt want to follow and also there were others who werent from this local Universe and had totally different ideas about it all and other higher authority to follow...

(Kid was in such pain just now he coudnt go in the bathroom. He was crying like mad. I didnt know what to do. His stomach was just like a drumbell. I guess it is because the milk was too fat. I was comforting him saying that the pain will go away knowing that I am lying and it wont. It just gonna get worse and worse over the years and he will experience all that we had.
His mom/my girlfriend bought him a gun I was against it of course. He was stupidly happy about it. He really likes to shoot people and his only two and three months.
His mom says his dad was a bastard what will come out of him I wonder.)
Kids, they are just like 'humanity', you have to come down to their level to 'play with them', but it might take ages to raise the kids to your level.


It is intresting for me that my biological father was ...but my mom rejected him instead an intellectual selfish brainiac came into my life. He is a dragon and my mom feline. What roles are they playing for me. One is Dark and the other is Light those are obvious but beyond that...that is what I want to find out. Life is a circle...

I am grateful actually that I had a chance now to experience parenthood now, remembered a few things i knew from before. I was of course a parent in my other human lifetimes. However, in this life i dont have a kid of my own yet and i didnt want it. I guess I am tired from all the 'kids' in this Universe. It is time to grow up for them. Yet I am myself like a big kid. I still have dreams about something so removed from the physical 3d around me. My girlfriend often thinks I am nuts and wants me to get real.

[AgeA]

Oh the private property issue the Owners to possess something to be in control
It is still such a huge issue

I want to talk about my mom. She is very 'old'. Felines not only created humans but also they meant for them to rule the Galaxy. It is the truth no matter what they say. Light is just a role that lion race choose to play but otherwise they very possesive and i would even call chauvinistic geneticists. My mom shock me sometime when she says that she wants me to marry a blond girl with blue eyes only. The blue bloods of the white race. I am just amazed at the level of racial prejudice she has and intolerance of other races. I still remember how Jelaila shocked me on the first day of the workshop when I realize she doesnt want new races to be developed. Of course, I am all for the new and against stagnation even though my current life looks like it but i choose to be an observer until now. New races must come up and take their righful place in this and other Universes. Otherwise, life would be boring and when souls get bored that is when the trouble starts.
(it was always sort of intresting that not only 'Dark' civilazation can be stifling for soul development and tend to turn entities into 'mind' slaves but the same is true with the 'Light' civilazation at its extreme where even 'bad' thoughts are controlled...)

[liza]

Good that you are doing this for yourself! I congratulate you for that.

Your stepfather's role in your life appears to have taught you that having appropriate needs is bad. He was emotionally unavailable to you for his own reasons. Victim or not, you're perpeutating a vicious cycle of being unavailable to others even though you want/need to be engaged in relationships. Don't you remember how you felt as a little boy with true needs that were still so appropriate, only to be rejected by an emotionally unavailable father? You can justify that away all you want, but you still were that innocent, little boy who knew pain from a stepfather's dark role for a long time. Dealing with it must have been extremely difficult.

Also you may want to further examine the idea that you traded a bad situation for another bad situation, and look into why you hold this pattern in your life.. maybe you got into this relationship for wrong reasons, and a big part of you knows it... and somehow this relationship did not meet your expectations, even though you tried to do a lot things for it.. compromised something along the way... you appear to have lost something as a result. that's why this little, innocent boy only reminded you of that, perhaps?

[AgeA]

Perhaps you right Liza!? I might have comprised many things by doing that but I wanted to have a family. I felt this is something I had to go through in this life. I am going too fast now it seems my life speeding up.