Post by Edward on Feb 28, 2005 3:09:46 GMT -5
Where shall I start.........?
Since starting on my spiritual path rather awakening that is, I have searched out to find more about myself and where I stand in this great cosmic wonderland. When I say "cosmic wonderland" I mean this vast creation(s) that we all take part in.
From the beggining I wanted to be somebody. I wanted to be someone one. Believe it or not I wanted to be labled something so I could fit in or be associated with someone or something. I just wanted to be and belong and feel a sense of self worth.
I know that I am a very vast being. Not any more special or "above" any other(Rant Alert!) but my mom has stated that I was special, I have always felt that I was special but for a while I asked why me? Why do I have to be different. Why can't I be normal. I've been always seemingly chasing something that's been just out of my grasp. Like being strung along so to speak. More akin to being blindfoled and sensing that preverbial carrot just in front of. Then when ever I get close It moves. There has been a few times(very few might I add) that I have actually had a taste of that carrot but before I could really get ahold of it, it was yet again yanked away from me.
Getting back to my awakening on my spiritual path. I have had snipets of finding out who I am and what I am. I have found those labels but they are only labels to quench my lack of self-love. I have felt that I am a very, very, very....(did I say very yet?) vast being. I have always felt that I just didn't belong or was associated with a certain galactic/higher plane/ you name it group/label. I feel that I really envelope all that is. When it comes to me, I truely do feel that I have, "Been there and done that". I know many of you can also relate to that. So along the way I have been working hard on not getting so upset of not finding out who or what I am associated with. If I get a sense for what I have been in contact with in the past/present/future at all levels then that's just gravy. I have had a hard time just understanding and realizing my vastness and what I am. I so wanted to understand myself. One of the very first things I had a connection with was that from Sirius system. I felt strongly about that. Then came a dream/dreams about me being hunted down. I guess that was a theme for me for a while in many incarnations. But this is where I found out that I had some A.I(Artificial Intelligence) connections. I was starting to feel like hey I finally belong to this new group of people that I have found on the internet that is going through ascension. I felt that I had something to cling on to so to speak. Something to say like, "hey look at me, I'm a starseed and I have just a mere inkling that I was from the stars". I have felt so alone, so unaware of myself. I wanted to be loved and to have love. I just wanted to know myself and have a better and deeper meaning and no more of this vagness that seems to be a reminder that I am not fully concious yet. I have also had dreams and visions. Both Dreams and Visions of Pyramids, seeing them and building them. I am extremenly fascinated with the number 3 which I am most positive that it relates to the Pyramid in some fashion too. Another dream I had was about healing, where I doubted my healing powers and said I wasn't a strong enough healer to someone when they asked for my assistance. Also When I was meditating the word Melchiezdek seemed to come into my mind like a warm summer breeze catching you at the right moment. Also with my visions, not in that same visioni but shortly after that one, I had a vision of a White Dragon's head and neck, that's all I saw. I say it was a white dragon because that's what it looked like. No particular detail to it except that it would be described as a white dragon looking feature.
I know that I belong, I Know that I have come here for a mission. I know that I come from the stars. I know that I am here for a reason. That I am here to help others to be that "beacon of light" that I always seem to say. I know it shouldn't be important to who you are but it is more important in what you do. I truely do resonate with that but at the same time, I am having an Identity crisis. It just won't go away for me. I suppose by ignoring my true self (all that I AM), that I have been supressing myself by not being able to truely express myself and love myself for all that I am. So I guess that I do need to identify with myself so that I can know "true self" and from there I can really start to love myself. I mean I do love myself, but I feel that I am missing or rather I am incomplete for only loving part of myself. For I am still struggling to fully realize "all" of myself. But I keep saying to myself that it does not matter but yet it does matter. It matters that I want to know who I am what I am, through and through. Not just part of myself. I am getting right now as I am typing is that If I were to know what I truely am that it would be just too much to actually take in because there is so much to me. And to that I say BULL-FUCKING SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am also getting that I do not need to know all that is about me to do what I need to do. I think what I am getting now is a fear factor coming in. I do not know why but why should something be too much for me? It shouldn't be too much. I am getting now that I can only understand and percieve so much while emobodied right now. Where the heck is this coming from? Is this me being scared? Look Ed if this is you being scared, don't. I know that we get scared at alot of things, but there is no need to get scared anymore. We no longer need to be afraid of the dark and the unknown. No need to be afraid of ourself.
Takes a deep breath.
Ok I do not know where that all came from but I Hope you all can follow there as I was talking to myself while composing this peice of writting.
Ok where was I. As I have been going down this path my love and my light has truely grown. I have been happier in the last year and a half or so than the previous years of my life in this incarnation. It's been a truely wonderful journey, including all the pain and joy I have had. I know my journey on this plane of existance is not over yet for this incarnation. The greatest self discovery of me is still yet to come and I will continue on my path of raising my frequency and my conciousness in order to help me help serve others by being that beacon of light that I know I am.
All in all I feel such frustrations at times when I see other people connect and being able to so interact with their guides, there healing abilities, their 3rd Eye, the OBE stuff and much , much more. I am not jealous, just frustrated that I know that this is possible. I know that I have it but being able to access this and to ascertain it all has been a bitch for me. I must say that I have always had some fascinating dreams. The visions have just started to occur but they are just so fast and few and far inbetween.
Also I would like to say and I'm just going to come out and say it. I do not know how to other wise express it but I will just say it. At this point in time in my journey I am having an extreme connection/vibration thing going on with Myrrhiel. I have really ever since she came into contact with me. I have something unfinished with Nicole I immediately connected with you Nicole at the NC monday night chats and message forums, when they were held and when the boards were up. Well they are up again now but not really anything going on them too much. Kinda lost you until this board went up. But I have been drawn to you and have a most deep respect for you. Monikah, I never really got into the RC site when I first actually saw it a while back. But more and more recently I am finding a deeper connection with it. Especially with the 12-fold flame and also with Metatron and his recent words that I have read through various channels/mediums. So there is something there that I can't just place it but I feel there is definitely something there that is upcoming. Mark/MacTZorb, I feel that you know something about me, like we are glactic brothers or cousins of sorts but more or less I have to find it out on my own. There is definitely something there and I suspect that you and I will be working with each other on something. Or perhaps we already are,
At this point in time the only other person I am being pushed towards is MirRA. I dont know how to explain it but there is something inexplicable there. It just alludes me.
I feel that I am coming to an end here in getting my emotional issues out. These things can just be so overwhelingly frustrating and it just ticks me off. You know what I am saying? I suppose that is a sign of growth but that's a heck of a way to get things accomplished. But I know I am god.ess enough that if I can create it, I can take it.
Peace, Love and Enlightenment,
Ed
"Joy to the world, all the boys and girs. Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea, joy to you and me"
((((((Hugs)))))))
Since starting on my spiritual path rather awakening that is, I have searched out to find more about myself and where I stand in this great cosmic wonderland. When I say "cosmic wonderland" I mean this vast creation(s) that we all take part in.
From the beggining I wanted to be somebody. I wanted to be someone one. Believe it or not I wanted to be labled something so I could fit in or be associated with someone or something. I just wanted to be and belong and feel a sense of self worth.
I know that I am a very vast being. Not any more special or "above" any other(Rant Alert!) but my mom has stated that I was special, I have always felt that I was special but for a while I asked why me? Why do I have to be different. Why can't I be normal. I've been always seemingly chasing something that's been just out of my grasp. Like being strung along so to speak. More akin to being blindfoled and sensing that preverbial carrot just in front of. Then when ever I get close It moves. There has been a few times(very few might I add) that I have actually had a taste of that carrot but before I could really get ahold of it, it was yet again yanked away from me.
Getting back to my awakening on my spiritual path. I have had snipets of finding out who I am and what I am. I have found those labels but they are only labels to quench my lack of self-love. I have felt that I am a very, very, very....(did I say very yet?) vast being. I have always felt that I just didn't belong or was associated with a certain galactic/higher plane/ you name it group/label. I feel that I really envelope all that is. When it comes to me, I truely do feel that I have, "Been there and done that". I know many of you can also relate to that. So along the way I have been working hard on not getting so upset of not finding out who or what I am associated with. If I get a sense for what I have been in contact with in the past/present/future at all levels then that's just gravy. I have had a hard time just understanding and realizing my vastness and what I am. I so wanted to understand myself. One of the very first things I had a connection with was that from Sirius system. I felt strongly about that. Then came a dream/dreams about me being hunted down. I guess that was a theme for me for a while in many incarnations. But this is where I found out that I had some A.I(Artificial Intelligence) connections. I was starting to feel like hey I finally belong to this new group of people that I have found on the internet that is going through ascension. I felt that I had something to cling on to so to speak. Something to say like, "hey look at me, I'm a starseed and I have just a mere inkling that I was from the stars". I have felt so alone, so unaware of myself. I wanted to be loved and to have love. I just wanted to know myself and have a better and deeper meaning and no more of this vagness that seems to be a reminder that I am not fully concious yet. I have also had dreams and visions. Both Dreams and Visions of Pyramids, seeing them and building them. I am extremenly fascinated with the number 3 which I am most positive that it relates to the Pyramid in some fashion too. Another dream I had was about healing, where I doubted my healing powers and said I wasn't a strong enough healer to someone when they asked for my assistance. Also When I was meditating the word Melchiezdek seemed to come into my mind like a warm summer breeze catching you at the right moment. Also with my visions, not in that same visioni but shortly after that one, I had a vision of a White Dragon's head and neck, that's all I saw. I say it was a white dragon because that's what it looked like. No particular detail to it except that it would be described as a white dragon looking feature.
I know that I belong, I Know that I have come here for a mission. I know that I come from the stars. I know that I am here for a reason. That I am here to help others to be that "beacon of light" that I always seem to say. I know it shouldn't be important to who you are but it is more important in what you do. I truely do resonate with that but at the same time, I am having an Identity crisis. It just won't go away for me. I suppose by ignoring my true self (all that I AM), that I have been supressing myself by not being able to truely express myself and love myself for all that I am. So I guess that I do need to identify with myself so that I can know "true self" and from there I can really start to love myself. I mean I do love myself, but I feel that I am missing or rather I am incomplete for only loving part of myself. For I am still struggling to fully realize "all" of myself. But I keep saying to myself that it does not matter but yet it does matter. It matters that I want to know who I am what I am, through and through. Not just part of myself. I am getting right now as I am typing is that If I were to know what I truely am that it would be just too much to actually take in because there is so much to me. And to that I say BULL-FUCKING SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am also getting that I do not need to know all that is about me to do what I need to do. I think what I am getting now is a fear factor coming in. I do not know why but why should something be too much for me? It shouldn't be too much. I am getting now that I can only understand and percieve so much while emobodied right now. Where the heck is this coming from? Is this me being scared? Look Ed if this is you being scared, don't. I know that we get scared at alot of things, but there is no need to get scared anymore. We no longer need to be afraid of the dark and the unknown. No need to be afraid of ourself.
Takes a deep breath.
Ok I do not know where that all came from but I Hope you all can follow there as I was talking to myself while composing this peice of writting.
Ok where was I. As I have been going down this path my love and my light has truely grown. I have been happier in the last year and a half or so than the previous years of my life in this incarnation. It's been a truely wonderful journey, including all the pain and joy I have had. I know my journey on this plane of existance is not over yet for this incarnation. The greatest self discovery of me is still yet to come and I will continue on my path of raising my frequency and my conciousness in order to help me help serve others by being that beacon of light that I know I am.
All in all I feel such frustrations at times when I see other people connect and being able to so interact with their guides, there healing abilities, their 3rd Eye, the OBE stuff and much , much more. I am not jealous, just frustrated that I know that this is possible. I know that I have it but being able to access this and to ascertain it all has been a bitch for me. I must say that I have always had some fascinating dreams. The visions have just started to occur but they are just so fast and few and far inbetween.
Also I would like to say and I'm just going to come out and say it. I do not know how to other wise express it but I will just say it. At this point in time in my journey I am having an extreme connection/vibration thing going on with Myrrhiel. I have really ever since she came into contact with me. I have something unfinished with Nicole I immediately connected with you Nicole at the NC monday night chats and message forums, when they were held and when the boards were up. Well they are up again now but not really anything going on them too much. Kinda lost you until this board went up. But I have been drawn to you and have a most deep respect for you. Monikah, I never really got into the RC site when I first actually saw it a while back. But more and more recently I am finding a deeper connection with it. Especially with the 12-fold flame and also with Metatron and his recent words that I have read through various channels/mediums. So there is something there that I can't just place it but I feel there is definitely something there that is upcoming. Mark/MacTZorb, I feel that you know something about me, like we are glactic brothers or cousins of sorts but more or less I have to find it out on my own. There is definitely something there and I suspect that you and I will be working with each other on something. Or perhaps we already are,
At this point in time the only other person I am being pushed towards is MirRA. I dont know how to explain it but there is something inexplicable there. It just alludes me.I feel that I am coming to an end here in getting my emotional issues out. These things can just be so overwhelingly frustrating and it just ticks me off. You know what I am saying? I suppose that is a sign of growth but that's a heck of a way to get things accomplished. But I know I am god.ess enough that if I can create it, I can take it.
Peace, Love and Enlightenment,
Ed
"Joy to the world, all the boys and girs. Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea, joy to you and me"
((((((Hugs)))))))
So I'll just say, I hear you! And good luck to you on your journey!