Feeling Damn Unpretty

[creatorgoddess]

I don't ever remember feeling good about my body...definitely did not fit the standard of beauty American or even African-American ..hell,,i was supposed to have hips and a big booty right...wrong...told relentlessly by my brother that I had a Mexican booty - i.e flat...and a thick waist, big breasts, no ass...shaped like a football player or recent I saw a picture of myself and the Michelin man came to mind...I am very familiar now with the concept that my inner child has used this weight to protect us from the massive boundary violations (sexual and otherwise) and putting energy away because I am the Queen of Queens when it comes to caretaking! And I have been familiarizing myself that it has nothing to do with what I put in my mouth but with the unexpressed anger!!! Well, we have got approximately 100-120 pounds (depending on whether we follow the ADA's version of what we "should" be) of anger, guilt, and shame that shows that I am a huge caretaker who doesn't know how to protect my inner child from my pattern of promiscuity/sexual anoxeria that has actively permeated my life since I was 3 years old....And all of the criticism, hurt, broken hearts, actively in abusive relationships, left the abuser and then WENT BACK, the basic belief that I deserve to be shit on, disappointment, and the basic shame that anchors our soul...And I am just SO divided...I have looked at my body for so long as my enemy...my father told me that he didn't want to be seen with me in public and NO MATTER what I did ,,,if I was overweight which I have been since I was about 8 years old (coincidentally when the abuse really started)...than I was NOTHING...I know my inner child is the greatest thing about me...but I can't help having a disdain for the fat...I still connect my value as a human in my physical vehicle to being thin and physically attractive which I have starved, threw up for, binged and purged for, and STILL it wasn't good enough. I have been told that I haven't EVER been connected to my body since I was 2-3 years old...apparently, I decided not to be a part of my body and left...As I return to life and look at my best friend who is 100 lighter, summer approaches, and I return to Earth after 3 years of being checked out 98% of the time, I am noticing the extra 65 pounds that I have gained and it represents so much...I don't want to hate myself anymore....

I must say thank you to my inner child, Shari, who has endured so much and is still here, loving her mother and believing in me....I love you, baby...I actively learn how...

Thanks yall for listening...Respond as you see fit

Love,

Raiessha

[seaoffeeling]

[glow=red,2,300]Dear Raiessha,

You are beautiful, because your soul is beautiful. (((Hugs)))

Love,
-SeaofFeeling[/glow]

[Nicole]

HUGS!!!

[liza]

ditto nicole... group HUGS! We a bunch of pretties!