A time to listen...?

[liza]

My heart goes out to everyone.... with so much shit coming up these days.

I couldn't help but wonder if this is prime time for everyone to stop in their tracks (midst of an angry inner child reaction without factoring in all the factors and input) and started to REALLY listen to each other.... and if this is the time to choose building a bridge from your world to other worlds, or to stay in your own world without bridges built or burned? Is that part of beginning our ascension? I have caught myself in my IC reactions.. and told myself, wait a minute... let's get input on this first... and let my heart validate it, and work together with the rest of my gifts and IC.

I have found that giving yourself the permission to have the space and time to figure things out, and even collect others' input help greatly even if others don't like it too much and want something DONE or SAID NOW NOW NOW. I came to that crossroad months ago.... and....

I've been giving myself liberties to work at my own pace and doing the things I want to do, and I feel very relieved these days... and I allow the same of others. I thought I would share this!

I had to study norwegian today, and I came across some cool norwegian quotes... one of them applies to this case. "Knowledge to know one's limits" as in knowing where your limits are=wisdom, so you can know where to learn more (or heal, when you know where it hurts?). Oh yeah, the one between a room that can't be built in one day and in love and war, all things will happen.

Synchroncity is cool.

Oh well, I'll always keep on learning more... and keep on healing... thanks for your inputs

[seaoffeeling]

[glow=red,2,300]And thank you too for sharing, Liza! Synchronicity is really cool. So far, that still works to inspire me (knock on wood). I too have given myself time off and have attempted to take the pressure off myself. It helps, but it also makes things more intense I think, because you allow yourself the time and space to really feel everything. Good for you for making decisions and doing things that are nurturing and loving towards yourself!

Love,
-SeaofFeeling[/glow]

[Lunaria]

Since I have decided to stop everything that doesn't work anymore I am feeling quite free.
It helps ;D to talk and find out what others are feeling.

[liza]

Thanks, SeaO'Feelings and Lunaria, for your input

Today is a different day for me, because I got up very early at 6 am to clean my room... usually I sleep a bit late, and then take a quick shower then put on clothes... and vamoose to the class meeting just a few minutes before it starts... unfortunately that doesn't give me ample time to have breakfast.

I caught myself the other day comparing myself to others.... when I do that, I usually give up whatever I was doing quickly feeling like a total failure. Wait a minute. How'd I acquire that nice habit?

For instance, I can't stand hiking with others.. I would rather hike by myself. The reason for this being that my pace is much slower than others' are, and I get left behind. The other day, we had to traverse 7 miles in snow in the mountains.... I wanted to slow down and enjoy the scenery, instead of pushing myself to keep up with others.. so I slowed down, and enjoyed the winter wonderland... caught some rabbit tracks here and there. At the same time, in the back my mind, I couldn't help feeling ashamed that I didn't want to keep up with others... and I also couldn't even if I tried. So I guess I will choose to say "didn't want to," instead of "couldn't." I know, I need more training in quickening my paces... that's not the point of this thread... follow what I'm saying. Allright?

I have a big issue with my father's part in my child-rearing or child programming as Ira calls it. The most pressure on me was given by my father-- "You'll be a failure if you don't go to college." "You'll end up washing dishes at McD's." "Don't talk back!" *threatens with a fist*... "Let's study math now," "Why don't you just jog with me?" "Hey, you're fat, so don't eat too much," "Look at (insert thin friend, size zero) here and there... isn't she beautiful?" Never mind telling me that I was beautiful anyway, and that I wasn't that FAT to begin with. I was a 10-12 in my teens, when my dad would make the fat cracks. I guess I am really overweight at size 14/16 now. Giving some of you a good estimate, I was a size 18 at the June workshop. Heh. That was the biggest size I've ever been at. Yes, I lost quite a bit.. and I still have much to go. I want to be a 10 or 12 It scares me to be thinner than that...

I was never taught by my parents to respect others' cultures and lifestyles equally. How could they teach me to respect myself? Realizing now, I am pretty angry about that, all the spiritual beliefs of compassionate love be damned (left aside for a minute to get all this out). But it's not like I can rail at them for all the "crimes" they did in the past now.. they're old and they're a lot more mellow now. Besides, I already drew my lines with them.. they have honored that so far. I feel sorry for them, and I do love them... and I let them know of that love. It means a lot to them... so how could I rage at them now? It's all in the past. So what? Even my dad apologized about it... I'm fine with that, but my other siblings can't stand him at all. They don't keep in touch with him.. and I know that hurts him even if he doesn't say that. My heart goes out to him totally... Now tis up to me to modify my behavior and habits, not my dad... I'm not a child under his rearing anymore... and I'm angry about that. Weird, huh? I want to be in control of my life, yet there are times I don't want to be... because it gets too hard. Does that make me a coward?

Throughout all this, I'm maintaining regular contact with both of my parents via email. I got my dad excited on a family tree project... I'm putting together a family tree, with all the stories and the names. He's talking a lot with his mother... they are opposites, and I don't think they got along a lot in the past. My dad's a total Republican and my grandmother is a Democrat. Heh. My parents both are worried about my brother going to Iraq. I am, too.. it's a very touchy topic for me these days, I'll admit it... if I see someone telling me that my brother is going to Iraq, even if it's just to repeat what I tell them.. I just break down and cry. So I try to not talk about my brother going to Iraq... gee whiz, I'm just wiping my tears thinking about it.

I could sum up my life situation in a nutshell.. I'm living in a new country, learning a new language (a few actually), a few cultures.. I am married with a few cats, and I just got a new house some months ago. I'm deaf. Hearing impaired. Deaf and dumb. Oh yeah. That's another story of that nice little self esteem job I got from the education system and society from my childhood. You won't believe all the crap I went through, and I still go through it sometimes. I should be angry at people who don't handle my deafness well by being damned conscending or acting like I'm a burden, but I'm still exploring my feelings regarding that. Any jab at why I prefer hanging out with signers sometimes? I am angry about that, and I am sad that I wasn't stronger back then. I guess! lol I prefer the term "deaf" if you may. *shrug* C'est la vie, I think however that phrase goes. Pardon my french!

Even if we were told to not talk about the June workshop (the one Jelaila gave) possibly out of respect, I am feeling right now at this point that my self respect is more important. I just want to get this through the cleaners. It is haunting me. I tried other things to forget about it. Now let me whine.. *grin*.. hopefully I may get some feedback. I feel angry about the way I was treated there. It's not just Jelaila. Goes beyond that. She's a human being, just like we all are. At that moment, I understood the limitations we all had (and probably still have)... not just me (remma the quote about knowledge is knowing one's or something's limits?). Right now, I refuse to give anyone my power by explaining how much power they had over me through making spiteful comments about them here. Describing my feeling instead, is a different story for me. That' show I describe whining And I'm doing it, without problems. It felt surreal knocking off a bunch of people from the pedestal, even if they didn't want to be there in the first place. They're something else, allright. I felt like my feelings of being accomodated weren't important. I'm sure some people thought my feelings were important, though. I spent a lot of time staring at the ceiling and others' faces with their flapping lips, and the cats... I feel angry that I didn't speak up much earlier before the workshop about my needs.. before I paid up. Even though it was a lot, it was actually the amount I won at lottery. So I didn't really lose any money on it. Maybe my self respect and sanity. LOL:) At least, I met some cool folks and my family. I just feel angry I allowed myself to be in a situation where others were more concerned about THEIR needs than meeting mine halfway somewhere. Remember my mention about realizing others' and my limitations? There were some admirable attempts on giving me information- writing on pen/paper, audiotape, etc. The timing sucks, though... I hate having to wait for that info afterwards. I would have liked to get my input involved if I had the information at the same time others had it. But that's all they could offer me. I understood that. An interpreter for a week would have been expensive, and J/J would not have afforded it because they were not prepared to make that kind of financial sarcifice. Jelaila asked me to cover that cost, and I can say that I was not prepared to cover that kind of sarcifice myself either. I also realize the whole deal angered some other folks who thought I got a raw one. I still don't know what to tell them... except this:

Still, I should have understood that and NOT have gone to the workshop at all. I was in shock after I got back.. I was angry, but I couldn't dare talk about it. I was too confused, and couldn't believe anything. I didn't know what to believe. Instead, I expressed my anger in some other forms- aggressive/passiveness, I think? I probably owe some people an apology for that!

Me allowing myself into a situation like this? This is a NO-NO where the deaf community and self respect are concerned. It's a wonder why I don't talk about it to my deaf friends or worse, yet.. interpreters. They would get on my case about being so damn stupid. They don't have to worry, because I'm smacking my ass about it. LOL

But I would not take back any of this... because adversity has taught me well about the value of listening, having inner peace and self respect. I guess I needed this hard lesson, to help me modify my behavior and patterns... at the rate I was going at. Now I know what to tell others when I'm angry or if I'm in shock... that I need my space and time, and I will not get my strings pulled by a puppeteer if even he or she was that good. The thing about my "friend" was the last straw... she wanted me to take her side in a dispute with someone (this was in my forum). I had to draw the lines the way I needed them to be, and she just didn't like that. Too bad. But at least I can sleep better at night. LOL And everthing is falling into place.. it's fine. I guess I have ovaries made of steel (ya know, balls made of steel), like someone recently told me the other day.

Input is welcomed, and I don't bite.. well, I might cry, but that's pretty much what I can do as a reaction instead of biting. Whatever works.

[ADMIN]

Liza,

[quoteI couldn't help but wonder if this is prime time for everyone to stop in their tracks (midst of an angry inner child reaction without factoring in all the factors and input) and started to REALLY listen to each other.... and if this is the time to choose building a bridge from your world to other worlds, or to stay in your own world without bridges built or burned? Is that part of beginning our ascension? I have caught myself in my IC reactions.. and told myself, wait a minute... let's get input on this first... and let my heart validate it, and work together with the rest of my gifts and IC. ][/quote]
As I read your posts, I sensed a change in you, a good one.
Lessons come is such disguises that at times when time has passed do we relaize it was just that.
I read something in the book "The Key" which came to mind reading this thread and it's that GOD comes in many forms, even thru a slap in the face...Hehehehe!
All is God at work on a personal encounter.
Recalling back on my own life and reading much of what others here have said, I know most of us here have the similars process going on and were gathered to support each other.
Though at times at present moments we may be angry when things don't go out way we eventually realize that it was all good for us, that happenes when we learned that lesson or overcame that phase.
Then we move onto the next one.
Changes are har to deal with at the beginning, I for one feel like wanting to be all alone, away from everything, no issues at this moment but I'm in need of indepth reflections away from the common daily issues that surround others around me. It's like a movie re-run and just seeing this scenario repeat is tiring.
Lately I don't want to talk much, just like you didn't want to keep up with others on your hiking trip. I think we get fed up with trying tp please everyone and we never please ourself. But how can we do that if we don't take care of our selves first?
All the pressure we take on ourself eventually catches up to us. The stress of trying to "become" needs to be toned down and let us be just who we are at the pace that needs to me. I say this for myself, I am pushing it too far. We do need to listen, we need to stop and reflect, and learn to understand that we can only cross that bridge when we are ready!

[Lunaria]

Well, you know as far as listening goes,
as a small child I was hearing impaired and didn't know it.
I missed a lot of stuff.
As I grew into a teen and then an adult I still missed a lot of stuff.
Now I plug both ears with hearing aids. I finally know what is going on. But when I want it quiet I turn them off.

Lately I am off by myself for reflection. I don't much want to be with ppl.

When I heard what went on in the June workshop with you, Liza, I was so mad. And especially when she up and left and you had no ride to get home.

Well, that's over and I hope the pain of it is gone.

Things are changing so fast that I don't even know myself anymore.
I wonder ..are we in the 5th dimension or what?

I guess we will just plug along and see what happens.
;D ;D ;D

[Monikah]

Liza, it seems you have made great strides. You have much to be proud of. Ovaries of steel. Excellent! I've wondered what to use for this feminine energy. ;D

I wear earplugs in bed, rarely listen to music on the radio, watch only Star Trek: Enterprise on TV and occasional shows with my fam, don't shop much, don't each much, didn't vote, spend most of my time with my family (3d+), write, study, and take advantage of what spiritual karma has afforded me while living a unique MD life. To me these are symptoms of being 5d+ ... still in 3d body having to use 3d physicality, but 5d+ consciousness of which lower earth stuff is not a part.

People have mentioned feeling unemotional. There's great strength in neutrality.

Lun, it's interesting to note that you were hearing impaired before the woman came along who disrupted your life so.

It's true. I really am not who I was yesterday.

Love to all,
Monikah

[seaoffeeling]

[glow=red,2,300]I agree with Mon, Liza. It sounds like you've come a long way, and that you're processing and releasing things in the healthiest way for yourself. I don't know the specifics of what happened to you at the workshop, but it sounds to me that you've emerged stronger, wiser, and are being the "better person", despite an obvious wrong that was done to you.

I have a feeling we're already in 5d. Life is different. I too have a slight hearing impairment, got a hearing aid at age 9, but haven't worn it since I was 11, because I didn't feel it really did much for me. I think that not hearing as well as everyone else was part of the reason why I became introspective. As a child, I was very imaginative and created a fantasy world for myself. I tune out easily, and sometimes I wonder if I have attention deficit disorder I hear a lot of ringing in my ears lately, especially when I've been napping, which is a lot lately.

-SeaofFeeling[/glow]

[Lunaria]

Hi Mon,
The hearing loss after the woman came into my life was my 'Clairaudiance" My hearing my guides.

I have had many lives where I put my hands over my ears and said " I don't want to hear that"
So in this physical life it has even affected the physical hearing.

You know it is not so bad having almost no hearing in the physical. Starseeds cannot stand noise anymore. I am almost thankful. I can hear with the aids. If I don't want to hear I turn them off. The best of both worlds, if you ask me. ;D

[liza]

Sea'OFeeling, there was no wrong done to me beyond what I allowed to happen when I put myself in this situation. That's what I'm perplexed about... why did I let it to happen, and why did I go at all? I'm at a point where I'm, like, whoa... wait a minute... let's review for a bit... and I felt like getting input from you guys. I'm tired of this weighting heavily on the back of my mind for months. I'm tired of hiding my feelings just because some people want to sweep it under the rug, and get mad if others vent out about their dissatisfication in the worst (or best? after all, it's still subjective!) possible way. Where does that leave me? I'll pick it up myself, and set the standard myself right now and there... besides, t'was time for me to play a more active role in the forums LOL

Lunaria, thanks for your input-- although I have to say that nobody left me without my permission. That means I agreed, when confronted about the change in plans, that my friend would leave earlier and that I would find another way to my destination. It would not be logical if we had two different goals (me staying for the reminder of the workshop, and her going home early), and she would have to waste more money on hotel fees if she is not going to the workshop at all. She would have lost a lot had she stayed longer. She has been nothing but kind to me. I just paid for a new one way airline ticket to my family's, wanting to get over with it and knowing I wouldn't win either way. I didn't like THAT, knowing I put myself in this situation in the first place. Don't get me wrong, in a social setting, I enjoyed meeting everyone. Everyone definitely had their wonderful sides. But I'm talking about grabbing the responsibility of what I have allowed to happen here... I don't see the point in blamin' anyone if I had a good idea of their limitations in the beginning. So, with that knowledge I could have chosen wisely.. but I didn't. Shame on me.

Lunaria,...SeaO'Feeling... about the progressive hearing loss... it must be tough for you to lose your hearing like that very late. I hear stories about late deafened folks having a hard time coping with their hearing loss compared with folks who have grew up being deaf. I have a friend who is 19 years old, and she is losing her hearing gradually. She says it is difficult for her.. She is also a student here at the school, learning sign language. She has to look closely at people's lips and get much sound as she can. I also met an ASL interpreter who lost her hearing late, and had to quit her job. She said at least she already learned to sign and knew about deaf community, so it was no biggie. lol But Lunaria, it it sounds like in your case it is some kind of brain trauma (from being triggered by that woman) that just shut down the sound processing center for ya, more than it is a physical failure. Sometimes I imagine I'd hear some sound... and I wonder if it is really sound that I am preceiving instead of "feeling" phantom echoes caused by my body's machinations....

[liza]

Monikah said:

Liza, it seems you have made great strides. You have much to be proud of. Ovaries of steel. Excellent! I've wondered what to use for this feminine energy. ;D

I wear earplugs in bed, rarely listen to music on the radio, watch only Star Trek: Enterprise on TV and occasional shows with my fam, don't shop much, don't each much, didn't vote, spend most of my time with my family (3d+), write, study, and take advantage of what spiritual karma has afforded me while living a unique MD life. To me these are symptoms of being 5d+ ... still in 3d body having to use 3d physicality, but 5d+ consciousness of which lower earth stuff is not a part.

People have mentioned feeling unemotional. There's great strength in neutrality.

Lun, it's interesting to note that you were hearing impaired before the woman came along who disrupted your life so.

It's true. I really am not who I was yesterday.

Love to all,
Monikah

Thanks, Monikah for the comments. LOL
I like to think I have made great strides, and that I'm still learning from life in this incarnation.

[ADMIN]

My heart really goes out to all those who went thru the experience with J. I have tried to understand why these things happen, these harsh moments of pain and deception when we look up and admire those whom we think have more knowledge then we do or we thought they can share with us what ever gifts they may have.
I guess it's in the plan , they do say that the most painful ones make us greater souls as pain is a great teacher. hum....


I FIND MYSELF SPEAKING LOUDER EVERY DAY. My partner keeps telling me that He is not deaf that I don't have to yell because he's right next to me. Hum...I must be losing my hearing too.