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Post by liza on Oct 8, 2005 12:32:12 GMT -5
It has been a few weeks since I ranted about stuff. I just signed up at a local gym, and am just reading self help articles through the nose. Moving one day at a time.  I was thinking about integrity after reading penndragon's thread on integrity - I feel like I'm just slowly blossoming and putting all theory into practice. I've been having opportunties to walk my talk and it's just so hard for me.. even though I feel less confused about what is right and what is wrong for me. Yesterday I declined a member's request to access a rant forum at my "place," because he did not post often. He expected me to grant him that just because I was best friends with his wife. I absolutely refuse to pervert my integrity for anyone else. However, the incident made me realize that I still have some unresolved stuff to shake off... I felt guilt as a reflex when I was going to decline his request - the intense kind that has been programmed into me from childhood. Rescuer type of thing to not take responsibility for my truth and integrity. No, Mike. I won't rescue you... and you have proven yourself of your so called maturity when you PM'd back with a photo of a child mooning his bare behind with a statement saying, "How's this for maturity?" So THATS what I wanted to rescue on a kneejerk reaction? I guess that's a side effect from years of caretaking people - my parents, friends, siblings.. just everyone... even if they needed to learn lessons for themselves. I feel like I'm such a coward for... not taking responsibility for my own desires & truth. Not owning up to them... one big example of this was when I went to Jelaila's workshop couple years ago. I asked for an interpreter, but she coldly said she wasn't gonna foot for any and made it sound like I was a third wheel.. and therefore not important.. and some other participants said they were uncomforable with the idea of a "stranger" at the workshop. Like a coward, I went along with it... a few people did try to help out write stuff and tell me about stuff afterwards, but people were so caught up in their own drama and roleplaying... AHHHHHHHH. I should have stayed home instead.... and saved the money and turmoil. I feel so much guilt about alot of things.  I'm open to input |
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Post by Nicole on Oct 8, 2005 14:20:02 GMT -5
Liza,
It sounds like you see the rhyme and reason behind things that have gone on, but doesn't sound like you've fully processed. I know there are layers, and I had my own with Jelaila so I know what you're talking about! But maybe you've been glossing over stuff since you know it was your lesson and not allowing yourself to actually FEEL and be in it. Sure, big lesson to you! But that doesn't mean you don't have a right to be mad! I've actually never seen you process this so I don't know if you have. You mention it and then go on your way, ya know? I mean, she could have really gotten in trouble for not accomodating someone with a disability (no disrespect intended) and I mean by law! So you did her a huge favor by paying your money and not suing her! I didn't realize she didn't even want one present! More there she could have been "gotten" for! Hey, I'm just processing a bit for you - proxy if you will! Now you go girl! Get it all out!
(((HUGS))) and I love you Liza!
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Post by Nicole on Oct 8, 2005 14:21:24 GMT -5
Oh, and by the way - I wasn't clear on why you declined someone access to your forum. If you have clearly stated guidelines, then delve into why you still feel guilt. If you don't then maybe you need to clear up your guidelines, boundaries, etc.
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Post by liza on Oct 8, 2005 15:07:04 GMT -5
Liza, It sounds like you see the rhyme and reason behind things that have gone on, but doesn't sound like you've fully processed. I know there are layers, and I had my own with Jelaila so I know what you're talking about! But maybe you've been glossing over stuff since you know it was your lesson and not allowing yourself to actually FEEL and be in it. Sure, big lesson to you! But that doesn't mean you don't have a right to be mad! I've actually never seen you process this so I don't know if you have. You mention it and then go on your way, ya know? I mean, she could have really gotten in trouble for not accomodating someone with a disability (no disrespect intended) and I mean by law! So you did her a huge favor by paying your money and not suing her! I didn't realize she didn't even want one present! More there she could have been "gotten" for! Hey, I'm just processing a bit for you - proxy if you will! Now you go girl! Get it all out! (((HUGS))) and I love you Liza! I love you, Nicole!  I guess the best way to start is to throw all things on the table for us to look where we can work on? Yes, Jelaila could have gotten into trouble.. but I don't know if her small level of business would have qualified having to accomodate me with an interpreter. But what bugged me more was that she was very unwilling to accomodate me in other ways that would not cost her a thing. She was very distant and standishoff. I did not get the vibe that she truly cared about others except herself. Despite her claims to be enlightened, she's "old school" in 3D/4D. Still I went.  A hypocrite for a hypocrite, eh? I didn't push the issue, and I'm certain this was a bit of a cult from the way she handled things. I remember when the workshop concluded, she didn't want us telling outsiders about the workshop. I mean... that was really unrealistic and a bit controlling. If we did talk about it with others, she and some of the participants would be .. errr, I don't know.. angry? I remember when so many meetings were called, and if somebody was 5 minutes late.. people take 1 hr long to "call" them on the carpet for violating an agreement or whatever, but I don't know how that applies to unagreed for meetings after workshop hours? People were feeding off each other... I didn't like it. People were given leeway to act out on some kind of inverted personal power trip. There's just more for me to process on this... I really don't care if others get pissed off that I spilled the beans, because it is really something that I feel needs to be exposed in order to move on. You're right if you are thinking that I am angry. I am.  How do we empower ourselves in this case? |
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Post by liza on Oct 8, 2005 15:19:39 GMT -5
Oh, and by the way - I wasn't clear on why you declined someone access to your forum. If you have clearly stated guidelines, then delve into why you still feel guilt. If you don't then maybe you need to clear up your guidelines, boundaries, etc. I felt guilty because there was some remains of old programming from childhood to play the role of Rescuer even for the "bad guys." That's something I am processing to shake off. There's a bit of PTSD peppered around there for me to deal with. My guidelines are pretty clear to me and others understand where they stand.. except this guy who has never used the forum, and I used my personal judgment based on witnessing his treatment towards his wife firsthand in person. This guy is a proven emotional & verbal abuser in my book therefore he does not have the level of maturity to have access in the rant forum even if he is still a member of the general forum. Of course, my best friend not holding her personal boundaries with him re allowing him to have access through her accounts to read personal stuff also makes me angry & pretty sad, but that won't stop me from maintaining my integrity from my own side. Maybe this is really all about us needing to own up to personal healthy boundaries and shed attachments in form of expectations in others which will only lead to pain and a twisted kind of dark dance? |
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Post by Nicole on Oct 8, 2005 15:47:25 GMT -5
To you yeah! To others - what does where they stand mean? Just pointing out that maybe you might want to revisit your official forum policy. Do you have guidelines/policy about what it takes to join different parts of your forums? Then before they even ask they can read them and will know the policy. RE: Jelaila, her business may not have qualified, but I can tell you that her business license doesn't support seminars. Their business license is for selling books, etc over the internet. The metaphysical part of the business makes the license outrageously expensive in many places so they went with retail internet sales. I know this because they counseled me and everyone else when I flipped my lid after I went to apply for mine. They are also not supposed to have groups that big in their home for business. I know this because someone stopped to inspect based on a call from a neighbor or something while I was there, or maybe it had happened the workshop before - don't remember. I do remember her discussing it with us though. I don't remember her asking my group not to discuss things. I would assume she was a bit embarrassed with how things with with yours and was afraid people wouldn't come back. If you look at what happened there was a whole lot of broken agreements and lack of integrity (self and others) going on at yours. hehehe - at least you and I "got" it huh Liza? Painful ways to learn about integrity and agreements but it was valuable classroom time |
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Post by AgeA on Oct 9, 2005 2:56:02 GMT -5
Liza, I know how you have felt. It is difficult when you feel like an outsider. I felt like this most of my current lifetime. You did miss a lot of course of what was happening during the workshop all the interactions and mini conflicts that happened then and after the workshop. You are right of course that is not a good thing to let anyone walk over you and you needs.
Nisroc it wasnt just broken agreements. She plain and simple lied to us before, during and after the workshop. Some people I know from the workshop had actually thought of suing her (not me) and she knew about it and yes Jelaila was afraid. If she wasnt afraid she would not tell me all the things she said to me.
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Post by liza on Oct 9, 2005 8:46:59 GMT -5
Nicole and AgeA, thanks for your thoughts Nicole, after thinking on your point about revisiting my guidelines to see where they can be clarified, I thought it was a pretty good point.. so I revised the guidelines to expand and to have more clearer statements. The changes are awaiting further feedback by other moderators before they are applied. Thanks for your part! That's kinda... dishonest with the business practice, isn't it? It was really a bad idea to be giving seminars on that if she was practicing bad ethics in it. **thinking of penndragon's impressive example of work integrity** I just checked the NC website and it seems like Jelaila isn't giving such workshops anymore, but instead giving workshops on another area. I get it... business aspect is also supposed to have integrity no matter what kind of business it is Duh on me. But it's a really good insight for me, all the same. |
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Post by Nicole on Oct 9, 2005 11:04:51 GMT -5
When the money runs out she brainstorms something else to do. I assume the GC workshop money finally dried up for whatever reason. Why she disbanded the GCN is beyond me though. If I had still been participated I'd have been upset because I put a lot of time, money, and effort into it.
Sounds like you're on the right track Liza! If you're still upset keep processing!
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Post by liza on Oct 10, 2005 5:34:34 GMT -5
Yeah, Nicole! I'm processing this. I'm taking responsibility for what I believe in, and to not subscribe to something that doesn't have my trust in it. I think this lesson only exposed the difficulty I have in taking responsibility for what I believe in. I didn't "get it" the first time around, so I kept getting the same lesson again and again in different life circumstances. Synchroncity is amazing. |
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A hypocrite for a hypocrite, eh? I didn't push the issue, and I'm certain this was a bit of a cult from the way she handled things. I remember when the workshop concluded, she didn't want us telling outsiders about the workshop. I mean... that was really unrealistic and a bit controlling. 