Post by Nicole on Feb 13, 2005 10:41:10 GMT -5
This isn't a vent - it's more of a lament. It's actually tearing me up so I decided to post it here.
My kitty is dying. She has kidney failure. She's emaciated and hasn't eaten in weeks. She just barely responded to fluids and antibiotics. It's obvious she's on her way out.
While I can logically respect her choice to leave I have to say I'm upset that she's leaving and even more so that I have to deal with it. I wish she'd just die and that I won't have to do what I never wanted to do again the first damn time, which is to have her put down. The last two were no brainers. They were suffering immensely and could barely move. They looked at me and I knew, even though I was uncomfortable that I did this without their verbally asking for it. A Human could ask - an animal cannot be clear and say "End this now." Even psychic messages from them I don't trust because of my clouded judgement.
So Miss Kitty isn't making this easy. With a kitty so sick - the vet told what her different blood levels were - she should be violently ill, throwing up, peeing blood, etc. But she's not. None of that. She was just pretty darn dehydrated last week when the vet saw her. After fluids she ate a small bit, but now won't eat anything again. Problem is that she's still walking around, loving, and squirms wildly when you pick her up as normal. How can I make a choice to put her down this way? How long do I let her go on not eating, suffering - which I know she is - until she's so pitiful I can no longer argue that maybe it's not time?
I do not want to do this again. And I do not want this looming over my head for days or weeks until the inevitable comes. I do wish she'd just run out the door and go die, or die at home. Just die so I do not have to take responsibility for this and hold another one while I end its life. Geez - I have to ask why I keep having to go through this! It's definitely killing me inside. This is one instance that I wish I could stuff it so far down that I would never have to experience the pain of their deaths ever ever again. No amount of crying ever makes any one of them any better.
My kitty is dying. She has kidney failure. She's emaciated and hasn't eaten in weeks. She just barely responded to fluids and antibiotics. It's obvious she's on her way out.
While I can logically respect her choice to leave I have to say I'm upset that she's leaving and even more so that I have to deal with it. I wish she'd just die and that I won't have to do what I never wanted to do again the first damn time, which is to have her put down. The last two were no brainers. They were suffering immensely and could barely move. They looked at me and I knew, even though I was uncomfortable that I did this without their verbally asking for it. A Human could ask - an animal cannot be clear and say "End this now." Even psychic messages from them I don't trust because of my clouded judgement.
So Miss Kitty isn't making this easy. With a kitty so sick - the vet told what her different blood levels were - she should be violently ill, throwing up, peeing blood, etc. But she's not. None of that. She was just pretty darn dehydrated last week when the vet saw her. After fluids she ate a small bit, but now won't eat anything again. Problem is that she's still walking around, loving, and squirms wildly when you pick her up as normal. How can I make a choice to put her down this way? How long do I let her go on not eating, suffering - which I know she is - until she's so pitiful I can no longer argue that maybe it's not time?
I do not want to do this again. And I do not want this looming over my head for days or weeks until the inevitable comes. I do wish she'd just run out the door and go die, or die at home. Just die so I do not have to take responsibility for this and hold another one while I end its life. Geez - I have to ask why I keep having to go through this! It's definitely killing me inside. This is one instance that I wish I could stuff it so far down that I would never have to experience the pain of their deaths ever ever again. No amount of crying ever makes any one of them any better.
