The big dump

[whitequeen]

I am so tired; tired of trying and getting no where for all my efforts.

I am tired of wanting; tired of being there for others; tired of teaching what does't need to be taught; tired of feeling like I have to set an example; tired of being good; tired of being afraid; tired of not following the light inside myself'; tired of not even being able to see the light; tired of worrying what others will think of me; tired of being told i am too harsh or abrasive; tired of being alone; tired of setting the pace for everyone around me; tired of knowing what i know; tired, tired , tired.

These days I have been feeling such deep and profound fear. And after I sweep away all the external fears I see without fail it is myself I fear the most.

Will I succeed? Can I make it another step? I don't know any more.

I am afraid to stand in my own power. I am afraid I will be wrong again; make another wrong choice for me; not be able to follow through.

When I read your posts Sowelu I am reading my own thoughts. I am so glad you wrote your vent not because I am glad you are feeling that way, but because I am feeling so identicle to you and I don't have to write it.

And Jenn you too. I feel the anger and sadness. I am angry too, at myself. I am angry at the world for not giving me what I was promised; angry at the people in my life for not giving me what I wanted; angry at god for not being there the way I want him/her to be for me; angry at myself in other words for not knowing at this moment how to extricate myself once again from my slop hole.

I have held such positons of power; led nations; ruled kingdoms; commanded starships; designed systems and games and written the word and yet I can't even pull myself out of this depression; can't find a way to make my tiny little 3D life work to bring me joy and peace. I want to run away.

Time spent alone, all the time because I am so sensitive to people and noise and vibrations and odors and sound, even the sun bugs the sh*t out of me. The road at the top of the mountain is narrow and treacherous.The air is thin and cold and the light is so bright it blinds me.

Too many people not accepting me for who I am . guess I must be doing the same thing to others or why would i be receivng this reflection?

If I could only just let go; of the attachements, the sorrow, the sadness, the fear...fear of what is coming and knowing I will have to live throught it; fear of loosing those I love, things I love. If I could just let go and slip out I would be free.

Freedom means more to me than anything else and I am so un-free. At least I feel so un-free. I know all of this is an illusion and I am tired of knowing the answers to all these questions.

Holding the light in place. Can't do it now. I can't stand in my own power now or hold my head up high when I feel like I am failing. I feel like a fake and a hollow vessel with a hole in it and I a leaking out through the hole.

I feel like my life is a failure and I have no value. I give what I want to give and am able to give but it is not acceptable and no one wants it. Why bother?

If there is no need for what i have then why bother? Why am I here? What do they all want from me, on the other side? Selfless service? I don't want to do selfless service any more.

I want some reward, some honorary plaque, some recognition, some acknowledgement, some appreciation. I want to feel this things for myself and I dont'.

And yes there is anger, but more than anger deep, deep grief and sadness. I question myself each moment and wonder if I am insane with all this planetary, multi-dimensional stuff. Never knowing where I am at any moment. Not knowing how I am going to live or have enough money one minute; enough satisfaciton and wisdom the next.

The sorrow of having to watch the world I helped to create be bombarded and collapse in agony from abuse; the ideas of creation being torn apart and ignored and left behind.

I am so damned tired.

WQ

[seaoffeeling]

I hear you WQ. And, boy, do I relate. I hope that it helped to release it.

Love,
-SeaofFeeling

[Sowelu]

(((((Hugs!))))))

I know what you're saying, WhiteQueen.

Bless you for who you are, all you've done for this mighty quest, and your courage and honesty in expressing here!

Man we've had a long haul, eh? Sometimes it feels like too much effort just to meet the next breath.

Much, much love, gratitude and hugs to you!
Sowelu

[Lunaria]

We are almost there, WQ.
Hang on a little longer.
Luv, Lun.
;D

[ADMIN]

WQ,
I dito Lun!

[whitequeen]

Thank you guys for your support and love. It means a lot to me to know I've been heard.

WQ

[annarita]

I hear you WQ and guess what? Don't feel like the Lone Ranger.

You covered a lot of territory here in your post. It'll take me a while to sit with it, digest it. I just got here after a big day.
More soon.

[ADMIN]

WQ,
I just read your vent about not feeling that you are being given the support you deserve in clearing this issue.

We are here to support you my friend no matter if you came from NC or not, we are family and this space here is that.

At times you may feel like there is a great silence when one make the call, but within this silence is where we are given the time to refelect about our inner issues. Then the answers will arise as to why and how to go about integrating/balancing these feelings.
Everyone as a unique story to tell about their life, sharing this helps others see that they don't have as bad as the other person when we hear them relate theirs.

I have repeatedly review my lessons and have been grateful that I had them, I have learned to accept that I chose them and I would gladly relive them again if I have too.

I share this with you cause it sounds like you chose difficult ones, which means you are a strong soul, because you would not be given such burdens if you couldn't handle them. So thumbs up girl!!!
Next, be assured that greta teachers and leaders have under gone the greatest of challenges, noy just physical but emotional, and at spirit level.

Just hang in there and think of it as a test and challenges that you are taken that when you pass them you will be moving into a glorious level where you then will be able to suport those who follow in your steps.

I hope this has helped as no one really has the answers but just ideas shared compared to their own experiences. Hey, and keep that head up and walk forward strong for you are a unique being here on a mission of love!!!

[Nicole]

WQ,

I didn't even know you posted here until I just read your vent. I'm sorry you are feeling pain because me or anyone else didn't reply! I hear ya girl, and I'm sending you my love!

I was unsure - do you want comments on this one? Or just to get it out? PLease let us know.

Love,
Nicole

[whitequeen]

Greetings,
Since posting here and then in the vent board, I have had time to think myself.

First, I thank those of you who have responded to my posts and offered supoport. It means a lot to me.

I came to realize that this was actually an important lesson for me...the one where very few responded to my crying out.

More than anything in my life, I have been forced by circumstances ( that I am sure my soul has chosent) to live mostly on my own, by myself and in lonliness as I ascend the great mountain.

Since childhood I have felt the need to be alone and yet at times strongly desired company of friends, recognition for my deeds and development, acknowledgement for my actions and wisdom, and acceptance from peers and others whom I have taught.

Mostly these things never came or came in dribbles. I was forced and am still forced by my soul and my choices to give these nurturings of the heart to myself. It has forced and allowed me to learn to love myself and be good to myself.

I came to this board and the NC boards by 'chance' hahaha! and hoping and trusting that I was finally with people with whom I could align and truly receive from and give to. In joining this group I did something I don't do often...join in. I am a loner by nature. Misunderstood by most and criticized and ridiculed by the rest.

So when I put the emotional clearing post up here I didn't really expect to have any responses. I was trying something new...opening to others with my feelings and allowing my vulnerability to show to all.

I have an illusion that I have to be strong and steadfast for others even when I am not feeling it myself. I have often been worried and fearful of letting it all hang out because it would compromise my credibility as a teacher a leader and a wisewoman.

What I learned in putting this up and going through the experience of feeling unheard is that I want to be part of the group and not alone any longer. I want to be heard and acknowledged and I expect it now and desire and realized I do need others to help me pave the way for the new game, the game of Unity. It is my calling and my work, yet I do not know how to implement unity when I have been so alone.

I trust my lessons will be of value to me and to others and will support me in bringing in the new energies. I now know I need you all. I also am not naive enough to think that we will all see eye to eye or agree on everything.

It's been an interesting lesson and one I will not forget for a while, I hope. I am also quite aware that I will still go on alone to complete much of my work, but now it is a choice and it is not by force or by 'coincidence' which I don't believe in anyway.

So thank you all for playing in my sandbox with me and for helping me to reallize I don't always have to be the stong one.

blessings,
Susan

[ADMIN]

WQ,
I am glad you saw what the lesson was in this. And make it known that thou we are in a group where we have support, the path of ascension is a individual thing, THEN when that happenes we will all truly be one.

Have you noticed that the phrase "We are One" is use so much, still people are separated? That will not be when we become ascended beings, when we learn that we are all part of this and that everyone else is part of us!
Also maybe you didn't get the response you wanted, but what according to plan was meant to be...

[seaoffeeling]

Dear WhiteQueen,

I honestly feel like I'm seeing myself in the posts you write! I honour that you have opened yourself and shared your inner pain, because it is the hardest thing for someone to do, especially when you've gone through life having to protect your inner treasure from outside ridicule, lack of understanding, not listening, etc. It's a huge risk to take, but the important thing is you did take that risk and face and experience the fear. The outcome may have been different from what you hoped, but I agree with MirRa about the lesson to be learned here. And you know what (and here I share myself), I feel closer to you because you shared yourself.

Keep on trying

Love,
SeaofFeeling

[bluerose]

Hi WQ,

The first time I read this post, I thought it was just a vent and so I didn't respond. Then I saw your actual vent that was made after this one and I came back to this one again. I still didn't know what to say or how to respond - so I did nothing.

I went back to your vent...I came back to this post...I went back, I came here, LOL I was in this retarded place of going back and forth and nothing was coming to me. All I could do was draw a blank.

In ALL those times I went back and forth, for whatever bizarre reason, I never saw the part you wrote in this particular one where you mentioned me specifically until now.

I am sorry if I hurt you in any way by not responding, it was not my intent.

After I saw my name in this post, what came to me was the feeling (and a nice reminder it was, so thank you!) that "Anger is functional."

It's definitely not fun, but it can be functional. I know for me anyways, and it pisses me off that I do it, but I know I do it, it takes me to get angry in order for me to DO SOMETHING about a situation. So, in that way, anger is functional. It gets me off my ass and gets me to start taking responsibility for something.

Then when I am angry, venting is incredibly functional. Just saying what I feel in that particular moment is SUCH a HUGE release, which I imagine was what you might have felt (a relief/release of some degree) after you made your vent that followed this post.

It kind of seems like there are a lot of things in this life to be angry about. Then underneath the anger is usually sadness and hurt. I honestly have NO IDEA WHY, but for some reason, after the anger is vented, the sadness comes. Then after the sadness is sat with for awhile, questions are asked, responsibility is taken, and all these layers have come off, it all makes sense!

So, don't worry. You are definitely not alone, even though it may very much feel like it at times and sometimes way too often! At some point, it all makes sense....I promise! It's just that journey between here and there that sure is a bitch! LOL!

So, hang in there, be patient with yourself, and let it all happen. It is OK to let it all happen.

::HUGS::

[bluerose]

DOH! The Editor got me again!

The part in my post above where I mention that anger get's me off my "I disagree" was supposed to say get me off my "donkey" using a more profound word. LOL!

[bluerose]

GEEZE! It got me twice in there!

Apparently I cuss more than I realize...maybe I should have an Editor follow me whenever I go out in public!

"Pregnant dog" that's hilarious!