I want to release so badly

[edge19]

I need to release. I need to cry. I need to cry for days. I want to cry and release but I can't. Why can't I? I've wanted to cry for years now but something is blocking me. It's at the tip of my tongue and it has been for months and I know I'll feel so good to cry like a baby for a few days but I can't. Even now as I write I am choked up but I can't lose control and I'm trying so hard. I've even not tried hard cuz I know when you ask for something you're essentially saying you don't have it and then that's what gets reproduced. I don't know what to do anymore.

I thought I was doing so well a few months back but I'm just so mentally confused and depressed. I've gotten in extreme physical shape for the first time in years and it only helps sometimes....for the most part I'm miserable in my own mind.

I just want to cry. I just want to experience what I'm feeling. I want to go back to being little Robert LeBlanc that was gullible, sensitive and loving. I don't want to be angry anymore, I don't want be suspicious anymore...I just want to cry and exercise these demons. I'm stuck and I can't decide what to do. I change my mind about what I believe in every hour it seems. I don't know what it's like to be just all loving anymore. I used to but I don't. I haven't been myself since I was a little boy.

I used to love everyone and just want to have fun and be loved and I was always the boy that was too nice to go out with. So I changed into the guy that all the girls seemed to like....the guy that didn't always say his manners, the guy that played tricks on the girls just so he could tell his buddies. I hated it. I hated being like that cuz I felt so bad. I hated having meaningless sex with girls just so that other girls would notice me and so that the 'fellas' could have a laugh. I hated being called the Italian Stallion. I hated that my mom that it was funny that I was called that. I hated that girls liked a version of me that wasn't real. I hated that I had to be a dickhead for peole to like me. Why can't people just be good? Why do they have to love something they can't have? Why does the world have to revolve around sex? Is it not important anymore? Is it just something to do when we're bored? Do I not trust people because I had to change myself for them to like me? Is that what I don't trust...me...because I know I'm not the real me. Do I not trust woman anymore because of all this? Was my last relationship brought to me so that I could finally deal with this? Jesus I don't know and I'm so lonely in my head. I'm confused and I don't know what to do.

I'm sorry that everytime I post something it's depressing and down. Everyone else is so advanced and have so many words of wisdom to express and i'm always here bringing everyone down and I'm very sorry for that. I hope someday I can have things to teach.

Even now I as I am in the state of mind I"m in I have to go downstairs and put on the "Rob" that everyone knows so that my roomates 'approve'.

I just want to release but something is blocking me. Something will not let me cry and I know I have a good few days-worth inside here. My mind is racing all the time so badly that I can't even calm it long enough to meditate for even 5 minutes.

Maybe this should have been a rant but I put it here becuase I know that I need an emotional clearing or release. I want it so badly.

Happy Father's Day to any dads out there. I miss mine. For that matter, happy father's day to everyone because at some level you are all helping me like a father would.

Love,
Rob

[liza]

I hear you, Rob. We kinda all go through that during a lesson! One thing I realized though, is we start to take back control when we take responsibility for our feelings.. by owning up to them. I think it's the loss of control or some sense of empowerment that really gets to us when we're waddling through what doesn't make sense to us, and it's very tempting to fall back on these old patterns that have supported us while we needed it (temporary means given by inner child for survival until better patterns are learned when the person takes back the reins from the inner child?). Perhaps the old patterns are what you need to release? And to release the women in your lives from their roles or pedestals?

Rob's inner child - old patterns: It's her fault, and I'm not at blame for anything... if you don't blame me, then you won't reject me again.

New patterns: I am angry. What can do I that is within my power about this?

Makes sense? Well, I could be off, too.

[Edward]

Rob,


((((Hugs))))))


You are on the right path. Don't fear or doubt. Just be.


Peace, Love and Enlightenment,

Ed

[edge19]

Thank you both Ed and Liza. The inner child analogy made sense to me Liza. People make mistakes, I have to know that. People do what they think is right at the time, I have to understand that as well. It's just so hard for me somtimes.

Thanks a lot, I think I'm going to write a loving email to a certain someone....I'm not going to actually send it but maybe just writing some loving things toward someone who I feel wronged me might really set the wheels in motion for me...so to speak, to change the way I react to things I deem negative.

Thanks all,
Rob

[ADMIN]

Rob,
Have you considered have ing a session with Nisroc?
You may want to e-mail her and see if you are up to processing and releasing all this.
You will feel better I guarantee.

[Nicole]

Hey Rob,

I hear ya - and if you need to cry but can't try this....

Take a pillow or plastic or foam bat and beat the heck out of something until you do. Yell and scream like you're talking to whoever you need to yell at. I use my bed by the way because I can't hurt anything beating the mattress with my plastic bat. You may feel stupid at first but after you let yourself go and get into it you will feel the emotions start to surface and will eventually just collapse crying. Or atleast that's how it usually works for most people I know, including myself.

Also, if you think this would help, get some sad music or a sad movie. That helps me too.

I could do a session but I can also refer you to some wonderful people too that don't know you or "you know who."

[edge19]

hahahahahaha...'you know who'....that was cute...hahahaha...it actually made me laugh out loud....you knew exactly what I was thinking...you're good....

I've thought about the pillow thing but my roommates are usually home and 1) they'll make fun of me forever and ever...hahaha or 2) they'll call the cops!! haha
I'll try it when they aren't home though.

It's funny because I've listened to a lot of songs lately and even the 'nice' songs make me think of 'you know who' and I get choked up but then of course I"m in my car so I don't want to lose control when I'm driving...hahaha... My First, My Last, My Everything made me get choked up the other day...hahaha...it's not even sad! But I always thought she would be just that so it makes me sad....Under Pressure by Queen also makes me tear up lately. At the very end the lyrics are:

Insanity laughs under pressure we're cracking
Can't we give ourselves one more chance?
Why can't we give love that one more chance?
Why can't we give love give love give love?
Give love give love give love give love give love?
Cause love's such an old fashioned word
And love dares you to care
For the people on the edge of the night
And love dares you to change our way
Of caring about ourselves
This is our last dance
This is ourselves under pressure
Under pressure pressure

hahahaha..again, not even sad but the 'love's such an old fashioned word' part really gets me....God I loved that girl...er....love her...I don't even know anymore.

The movie thing...I don't cry at movies for some reason...I can't figure that one out...I don't know if it's because I'm an actor and I'm too analytical when I watch or what.

The session thing...I think I'm gonna have to do it soon. I'm poor as hell right now but maybe I'll have to just save up a few tips and take a session. I'll be honest though, I'm just not doing the work on my own lately...I'm very discouraged...VERY DISCOURAGED. i'm discouraged because 'you know who' (hehehe) is the one that introduced me to all of this so I'm kinda sour. I know intellectually that I should be doing the work but the...the....the....I don't even know what it is but something is not allowing me to focus on the 'process'. All i know is that I'm hurting and I love her and I can't seem to let go of her.

I"m just blabbing on now so I'll stop but thanks for the ideas...I'm gonna give 'em all a try and I'll be in touch about a session and how I go about getting one.

I don't know any of you but sometimes I feel like I love you all as if I've known you personally for years!!

God I wish I knew what was wrong with me.

Take care,
Love,
Rob

[Nicole]

You're just normal Rob - this world is dysfunctional and so early in life we learn it. Our dysfunctional niche is whatever our parents teach us or expose us to. It's all divine, but it sucks to have to experience it. Our "job" is to get back into function. Now that you're at the point you are - you know where you need to go. That's half the battle - now you can begin to get to where you're going.

I understand about the pillow thing - I do mine alone too. The car thing too - I often cry to songs in the car.

I can also understand about going sour, but try to see it in a different way if you can. You'll be glad you did and grateful to you know who in the long run. It may not make sense now but it will someday. Just hang in there!

[edge19]

Mira,

did you reply to the wrong thread? hahaha. I keep reading your reply and I don't get it. haha.

Take care,
Rob

[ADMIN]

Oops,
Yes, I replied to the wrong thread. Sorry about that.