Post by Lunaria on May 7, 2004 13:00:04 GMT -5
Cease to Need
by Almine
It is our sacred obligation to fulfill our own emotional needs, for it frees us to truly love others and not use love in order to get our needs met. Emotional self-reliance enables us to relax and exuberantly experience relationships and events, since our intent then shifts to enjoyment.
Taking time to build inner stability creates outer strength by allowing us to walk securely within the knowledge that we can deal with any situation. Those who possess this quality aren’t easily shaken since they know they aren’t victim to external circumstances. As a result, they live lightly, unburdened by anxieties of tomorrow's survival. Others are drawn to those who have achieved this enviable state because of their unwavering steadfastness amidst the winds of change and their childlike enjoyment of the moment. They don't pursue relationships to avoid being alone because they have made peace with solitude.
It is only when we have achieved inner peace that we have something of worth to offer another. Those who neglect to establish a loving relationship with themselves spend their lives taking care of the needs of others in the name of altruism. Yet the underlying truth is that they feel unlovable, therefore, they settle for feeling needed. In fact, they trust a needy relationship far more than a balanced, equal relationship, fearing that their "unlovableness" may cause abandonment.
When we enter a relationship to get that which we perceive ourselves as lacking, it results in pain. Pain can be a signal that our emotional components are out of balance and we are participating in a co-dependent pattern. An example is when parents deny their own needs as their children's demands claim their time and energy. They abandon a relationship with themselves, living vicariously through the childhood of their children. In some cases, the sense of self becomes so tenuous that they don't even know the desires of their own heart. When the children leave home, these parents often plunge into an emotional crisis trying to “find themselves”.
Emotional self-reliance is obtained when we cease to need and this occurs when we love and honor our inner family. Our inner family is comprised of four subpersonalities:
1. The Inner Nurturer- The nurturer is the parent of our inner child. It offers comfort and support and sets healthy boundaries for the inner child to function within. It makes sure the inner child is given time to play and express itself. When we parent ourselves, we are no longer controllable by parental figures, and this includes authoritative institutions.
The dysfunctional nurturer nurtures everybody else—forsaking the self. The child is ignored because the nurturer isn’t present. It may also set itself up as a judge.
If we didn’t have good parents, we can become them for ourselves. We can heal childhood injustices and abuse by providing our inner child a happy childhood now. We do this by healing our timeline.
‘How to’ hint: To heal the past, imagine walking a loop behind yourself, beginning with this year and rolling time backward. Stop when you reach the year you wish to alter. Visualize yourself being the ideal parent for your inner child. Fill in as many details as possible: say loving, comforting and inspirational things; play together; watch movies together; and talk your child through difficult times. Return to the present when you wish, but continue visiting the child until you feel it is strong enough to cope.
2. The Inner Child- It is our 5-year-old who plays and feels while living innocently and spontaneously. The happy child is the joyous being who passionately relishes the moment with no regard to the last minute or the next. When the inner child is nurtured and loved by us, it becomes secure and happy.
The dysfunctional child is the one who says, “I need. I want. Look at me.” He strives to receive attention because he feeds on the energy that focus provides.
‘How to’ hint: Great healing and fullness can come when we put a few childlike activities into each day. Try: dropping pebbles from a bridge; petting a puppy; kicking your shoes off to splash through a mud puddle, or feeding birds in the park.
3. The Inner Adult- (This includes our inner warrior and sexual self.) We aren’t ready to have an intimate relationship with another until we have one with ourselves. That means we need to know what we like. Many adults seem to have lost touch with that part of themselves. When asked what they like, their response is about what used to be. “I used to like riding a bicycle when I was a teenager,” or “the greatest thing in my childhood was camping,” or “I read a lot when I was younger.”
‘How to’ hint: Take yourself out on a date for a candlelight dinner, a movie, a walk in the forest, attend an outdoor concert, or go to the park and sketch or paint. Also, pamper yourself. Take an hour-long bubble bath with candles and soothing music. Get a therapeutic massage. Sit under a shade tree by a creek.
It’s important that we approve of our sexual self. Many people keep their sexual personas hidden in the closet since they don’t understand them. Our sexual desires and beliefs can seem odd because the blueprints formed very early in our psyche. For example, something quite innocent may have aroused a young boy, such as an adult stroking his hair. He may thereafter, associate someone touching his hair as being sexual. As an adult he may avoid touching other adults and his children on the head. To distinguish between right and wrong choices regarding expressing sexuality, consider: A) the highest choice is the one that most fully reflects who we are: a luminous being of light having a human experience B) anything that harms another simply cannot be acceptable.
The function of the inner warrior is to protect our boundaries and guard our thoughts. The warrior becomes dysfunctional when fighting circumstances in the external world, not realizing that we strengthen that which we oppose and we empower that upon which we focus.
4. The Inner Sage- The duty of the inner sage is to use discernment to keep the other subpersonalities aligned and coach them if they become dysfunctional. For example, if the nurturer turns into a critical parent, the sage steps in and says, “It isn’t your job to judge, but only to love. The child needs you, so merely love him.” Perhaps, in an intimate relationship, the other person may be having a relationship with your needy inner child because your inner nurturer isn’t functioning. Then the sage says, “Become that child’s parent so she feels safe. Then honor your adult self so you can have a wholesome relationship.”
The sage becomes dysfunctional when he looks for truth outside himself. The many multitudes of churches that have sprung up through the ages can attest to man’s search for the divine outside of himself and through designated intermediaries. Another dysfunction of the sage is when discernment becomes judgment. If we place a value on the lives of others by labeling some as bad, wrong, or inappropriate, then it becomes a judgment. From our limited perspective, we cannot judge the value another’s life makes to the Infinite.
Building emotional self-reliance is the quickest way to reach a state of joy. At that point we are clear of agendas and have ceased to need. This means we are no longer emotionally dependent on others so we can stop reacting and start responding to people and circumstances, unencumbered, from the depths of our soul. Our being has become our sustenance, hence, we are free to Love.
by Almine
It is our sacred obligation to fulfill our own emotional needs, for it frees us to truly love others and not use love in order to get our needs met. Emotional self-reliance enables us to relax and exuberantly experience relationships and events, since our intent then shifts to enjoyment.
Taking time to build inner stability creates outer strength by allowing us to walk securely within the knowledge that we can deal with any situation. Those who possess this quality aren’t easily shaken since they know they aren’t victim to external circumstances. As a result, they live lightly, unburdened by anxieties of tomorrow's survival. Others are drawn to those who have achieved this enviable state because of their unwavering steadfastness amidst the winds of change and their childlike enjoyment of the moment. They don't pursue relationships to avoid being alone because they have made peace with solitude.
It is only when we have achieved inner peace that we have something of worth to offer another. Those who neglect to establish a loving relationship with themselves spend their lives taking care of the needs of others in the name of altruism. Yet the underlying truth is that they feel unlovable, therefore, they settle for feeling needed. In fact, they trust a needy relationship far more than a balanced, equal relationship, fearing that their "unlovableness" may cause abandonment.
When we enter a relationship to get that which we perceive ourselves as lacking, it results in pain. Pain can be a signal that our emotional components are out of balance and we are participating in a co-dependent pattern. An example is when parents deny their own needs as their children's demands claim their time and energy. They abandon a relationship with themselves, living vicariously through the childhood of their children. In some cases, the sense of self becomes so tenuous that they don't even know the desires of their own heart. When the children leave home, these parents often plunge into an emotional crisis trying to “find themselves”.
Emotional self-reliance is obtained when we cease to need and this occurs when we love and honor our inner family. Our inner family is comprised of four subpersonalities:
1. The Inner Nurturer- The nurturer is the parent of our inner child. It offers comfort and support and sets healthy boundaries for the inner child to function within. It makes sure the inner child is given time to play and express itself. When we parent ourselves, we are no longer controllable by parental figures, and this includes authoritative institutions.
The dysfunctional nurturer nurtures everybody else—forsaking the self. The child is ignored because the nurturer isn’t present. It may also set itself up as a judge.
If we didn’t have good parents, we can become them for ourselves. We can heal childhood injustices and abuse by providing our inner child a happy childhood now. We do this by healing our timeline.
‘How to’ hint: To heal the past, imagine walking a loop behind yourself, beginning with this year and rolling time backward. Stop when you reach the year you wish to alter. Visualize yourself being the ideal parent for your inner child. Fill in as many details as possible: say loving, comforting and inspirational things; play together; watch movies together; and talk your child through difficult times. Return to the present when you wish, but continue visiting the child until you feel it is strong enough to cope.
2. The Inner Child- It is our 5-year-old who plays and feels while living innocently and spontaneously. The happy child is the joyous being who passionately relishes the moment with no regard to the last minute or the next. When the inner child is nurtured and loved by us, it becomes secure and happy.
The dysfunctional child is the one who says, “I need. I want. Look at me.” He strives to receive attention because he feeds on the energy that focus provides.
‘How to’ hint: Great healing and fullness can come when we put a few childlike activities into each day. Try: dropping pebbles from a bridge; petting a puppy; kicking your shoes off to splash through a mud puddle, or feeding birds in the park.
3. The Inner Adult- (This includes our inner warrior and sexual self.) We aren’t ready to have an intimate relationship with another until we have one with ourselves. That means we need to know what we like. Many adults seem to have lost touch with that part of themselves. When asked what they like, their response is about what used to be. “I used to like riding a bicycle when I was a teenager,” or “the greatest thing in my childhood was camping,” or “I read a lot when I was younger.”
‘How to’ hint: Take yourself out on a date for a candlelight dinner, a movie, a walk in the forest, attend an outdoor concert, or go to the park and sketch or paint. Also, pamper yourself. Take an hour-long bubble bath with candles and soothing music. Get a therapeutic massage. Sit under a shade tree by a creek.
It’s important that we approve of our sexual self. Many people keep their sexual personas hidden in the closet since they don’t understand them. Our sexual desires and beliefs can seem odd because the blueprints formed very early in our psyche. For example, something quite innocent may have aroused a young boy, such as an adult stroking his hair. He may thereafter, associate someone touching his hair as being sexual. As an adult he may avoid touching other adults and his children on the head. To distinguish between right and wrong choices regarding expressing sexuality, consider: A) the highest choice is the one that most fully reflects who we are: a luminous being of light having a human experience B) anything that harms another simply cannot be acceptable.
The function of the inner warrior is to protect our boundaries and guard our thoughts. The warrior becomes dysfunctional when fighting circumstances in the external world, not realizing that we strengthen that which we oppose and we empower that upon which we focus.
4. The Inner Sage- The duty of the inner sage is to use discernment to keep the other subpersonalities aligned and coach them if they become dysfunctional. For example, if the nurturer turns into a critical parent, the sage steps in and says, “It isn’t your job to judge, but only to love. The child needs you, so merely love him.” Perhaps, in an intimate relationship, the other person may be having a relationship with your needy inner child because your inner nurturer isn’t functioning. Then the sage says, “Become that child’s parent so she feels safe. Then honor your adult self so you can have a wholesome relationship.”
The sage becomes dysfunctional when he looks for truth outside himself. The many multitudes of churches that have sprung up through the ages can attest to man’s search for the divine outside of himself and through designated intermediaries. Another dysfunction of the sage is when discernment becomes judgment. If we place a value on the lives of others by labeling some as bad, wrong, or inappropriate, then it becomes a judgment. From our limited perspective, we cannot judge the value another’s life makes to the Infinite.
Building emotional self-reliance is the quickest way to reach a state of joy. At that point we are clear of agendas and have ceased to need. This means we are no longer emotionally dependent on others so we can stop reacting and start responding to people and circumstances, unencumbered, from the depths of our soul. Our being has become our sustenance, hence, we are free to Love.