Weird dreams

[Nicole]

Last night I had trouble sleeping. I had to get comfy with my poison ivy knees (all over the insides) and it was too warm. Then Erin woke up and I had to go get her and then she squirmed. So I dreamed when I was asleep but had lots of "in between" sleep and awake time.

Once I opened my eyes and saw in the air in front of me some type of celtic knot! I could clearly see the knot and some of the design on both sides of it. It was like flowing in the wind almost - for a minute I thought it was worms! LOL

Then a short time later I was shown a key. It was also of Celtic design, looked like it was made of some sort of ceramic.

I also want to note that I asked for Germain to come and help me with the ivy and healing codes and that he showed up talking like an Irish person. I didn't believe it was him due to the funny accent. LOL

In my dreams, I was in this rural area with my daughter. I was outside sitting with her on top of this tall ladder chair. The woods were close around and my mother and aunt were in the cabin/house that was in front of us. I heard dogs barking and all of these dogs came up a path - all sorts of dogs. They looked like house pets but I knew they weren't nice. So I got us down off of the chair but then had to use the ladder against the dogs who were biting at us. I had my back against the front door and was screaming for my mom to help but no one ever came before the next "scene."

Now I was in a school. My mother was in one class room like cleaning up, locking up for the night. It was dark and the hallway was dark and I didn't like it. I walked out with my mom and some other people and got in the car with I think my mom. Shaun was in the backseat and I layed up next to him. Oddly enough we looked to our left and the space shuttle was launching! LOL I was thinking, why is it launching in Huntsville? (at Marshall Space Flight Center) but we watched it and I noticed that the exhaust area didn't have much fire but it was still flying. Then the "stand" that holds it up fell down in a crash and I could feel the ground vibrate.

The other part of last night's dream had to do with Shaun and I laying in bed trying to sleep. I don't remember the order of this but here goes. I heard this HUGE boom like thunder hit twice right outside of our window! He got up to look and I had to struggle to get my eyes open. When I did I went into the hallway and found myself in the main apartment I grew up in. I went into the extra bedroom for some reason and heard music and saw our friend Tim sleeping! I was like, I didn't know you were here and shut the door. Then I told Shaun I didn't know Tim was here.

Next oddly enough our bed was OUTSIDE of the apartment and in the parking lot! It was under a carport like thing and it was normal to us sort of. It was raining. Somehow on the street next to it Shaun and our dogs got "lost" from me and I flew around trying to find them, then realizing the bed outside wasn't normal and i was stressing over it.

I still don't know what the booms were but there was no thunder last night!

If anyone knows what this nonsense means let me know! LOL

[Sowelu]

(((Hiya!)))

Thought I'd see if anything came through on this one... and there's a lot! Hope you find this helpful somehow, Nicole!!

The first sense I'm getting is that the dreams and your restless/sleepless state are related. In other words... what's happening in your daily life, the poison ivy, stuff with Erin, busy-ness are all connected to what the dreams are relating.

So! Poison Ivy indicates a feeling of being defenseless and open to attack. Somehow you became vulnerable or open to dis-ease or illness. That usually means we were unaware of something that "takes" from our integrity living in our energies, so we attract an illness of just the right kind to reveal that hidden energy (emotional energy, fueling beliefs) that needs healing.

In this case, the very act of being open to attack or being in a state of defenselessness is what's at issue in your energies. Something you believe (based in some fear) attracts this uncomfortable state. Then you have to endure it's effects. So perhaps this tendency to become vulnerable (a belief that you are or should be or need to be?) is what needs healing now.

Knees represent one's pride and ego. Having the ivy on the insides of the knees seems to indicate first that in some way the issues you're facing are "on the inside" and may be tough to get to, but also are "rubbing you the wrong way" and exist precisely where it's toughest to live with, so healing is priority. There is also an indication that this has to do with flexibility... perhaps that you're too flexible in some regard, and so comfortable forward movement has been curbed.

Bothered by heat is often an indicator that there's anger and/or fear "boiling" at some level of Self, or that the issues at hand are arousing one's passion in some way.

The knot symbol is interesting! On one hand it can indicate that you're in stress and all tied up or entangled in something... but on the other hand it can indicate that there's a strength to rely on or a strength that you are relying on (but maybe shouldn't be because it's what keeps you entangled in an unhealthy way?), and in this case it seems to stem from some kind of celtic roots. Celtic knots were mostly found only after a conversion to Christianity (once polytheism of the celtics shifted to monotheism), interestingly enough... and I do seem to get a sense of "complicated history" and "belief entanglement" with the symbol's appearance. That the knot was sort of "swinging in the wind" seems to imply that this entanglement is what needs to be addressed/resolved. It's the real problem at issue right now.

So you're in this situation that's uncomfortable, involves entanglements, beliefs, history... is literally keeping you up at night, and there seems to be some deep past connection. (Have you read the new OpTerra transmission titled "About Vision"?)

Then you see a key. Keys are pretty self-evident as symbols, of course, so perhaps you're then shown a key as if to say you need to discover the key to unraveling the current mystery in your life. Incidentally, keys tend to indicate an inner awareness that needs to be acheived, to open the door to truth. My sense there is that introspection or inner emotional work, rather than dependency on outer methods or practices, is the way to unravel this knot of entanglement and confusion at present. The healing path is inward, in other words.

Germain having the Irish accent is again producing a feeling of "another life, another time". Him having the accent does seem to be hinting at the idea that things are not what they seem, that certain people aren't who you think they are, perhaps, or that the origins of your current situation are not what you may think they are. There's just a feeling that the accent was deliberate, to convey an idea that cannot be stated outright, for some reason (guidance often works in this way, so as not to usurp our free will or interfere with our growth in harmful ways). And perhaps the choice of Irish has the potential to trigger something deep inside you...? That's the feeling.

So with all of this as "background" offered, you then dream. The key being shown before you slept may indicate that the dream(s) that follows can help provide you with what's necessary to get to the inner awareness needed to heal. The initial setting of the dream is very important.

Being in a rural setting indicates a time for growth, as well as a need to reattune to a childlike awareness of nature. Or one's own nature, or both... since at core, our nature and nature itself are essentially the same thing. Life moves in a natural rhythm, grows and develops in a particular, characteristic fashion. So do we. So first off, it's important to get in touch with that.

It seems you and your childlike nature are thus far "elevated" from this down-to-earth, grounded awareness (there's a sense of elitism here, though it may not seem like elitism on the surface - as though it is the covert reflection of an overt status disliked and therefore rejected/judged). This could imply that you're currently in a mental approach to your situation, or that you have attitudes and beliefs ("high" chair) that keep you "above" nature, or what's natural, somehow. Ladders indicate a step-by-step process of awareness growth, and you seem to be "sitting on yours" in some way, instead of using it to continue growing.

I don't quite know how to word this, but the feeling is that Erin is used to represent your childlike self not just because she's a good representative of "mini you" (*heehee*) but also because of how you think of, or relate to, her. As though you have a sense of her as being "above" basic nature, somehow. Whatever it is that you hold inside as a part of your relating to Erin, the same type of attitude or belief is at play keeping your own inner child separated from or "above" her nature. As if it's not necessary to be down on the ground or grounded in what you used to be, is the feeling. Could this have to do with the pride/ego aspect? Could be.

The woods indicate the unconscious or what's unconscious for you at this time, and it's close. What's right in front of you, what you will move to next, is the cabin where your mother and aunt are. The feeling there is that the cabin is symbolizing a need to retreat inward, and what you will "be with" when you do so is your old emotional authority, and something related to it. Both are of an emotional nature, or representative of aspects of your own feminine energy. Older, not newer. In some way, they are currently "in charge" in your present dis-ease, while you are "above" nature or what's natural, or disconnected from your inner child's awareness.

What comes out from the woods, it seems, is aggressive masculine energy. The feeling I get here is that this energy is what was unconscious in you, attracting the current dis-ease. This is a masculine energy, remember, so it represents a belief of some kind. And the feeling I have is that this is what is entangled with others, and the past, and is related to the inner child disconnect. It doesn't look like aggression on the surface, but really... you know it is nonetheless. And it's a threat (again, when we're fueled by unconscious fear, our masculine energies go "on the attack" against that fear, which brings the fear-based scenario right to us, of course, causing us to feel attacked).

Finally facing this situation, you get down off your high chair (I hear "get off your high horse", Nicole. I'm sorry, but it's there), and get back down to nature. NOW you end up needing to use the growth you've acquired thus far (ladder) to fend off the dogs. You need to "use what you know", what you've learned and have under your belt.

You manage to get yourself TO the place of inward reflection, but then you scream for assistance and none comes. You have your back to it even while you're pleading for help. (How many times have I found myself in the same position! Needing help, wanting help... but really unable to receive it because I'm "armored" up against perceived threats and such, unable to trust!) I also get the sense that you're so busy "fending off the dogs" that you can't find the right state of mind to go within and have your needs met as you truly must.

So then you're shown your situation in another way...

You're in school. In other words... you're in a phase of learning right now. Your mother (old emotional authority) is cleaning up - which may indicate you need to "clean up your act", or may indicate that it/she is cleaning up in the sense of "winning" (i.e. "How'd you do at the poker game?" "Oh man... I really cleaned up!") or it could imply both ideas. Locking up for the night may indicate closing off access to the dark energies needing exploration. The child in you (daughter to this mother energy) doesn't like the dark hall, the darkness... again that sense of feeling vulnerable, and I'll add that it seems to "come with the mother energy" represented by your Mom in the dream.

So you leave school. You exit "with your mother" (the sense is that this aspect of you is how you stop learning in school and instead leave that idea behind), and you're not alone. There are others who are doing this with you. And then you get into a life (car) that you're not driving (who is?), and you take a back seat and lean on "your man" instead. In this case, Shaun may represent your action-taking masculine energy (mind, beliefs, attitudes and behaviors/activities) in your current daily life.

So instead of working your current life lesson in the way you know how, you've reverted to an old emotional authority that doesn't like dwelling in the dark energies and believes in feeling vulnerable (see beginning of this interp, about poison ivy), and you focus with your mind on ways to navigate your life... but you're not the one in charge anymore, by choosing this. With this status in play, with your mind at the helm and an old emotional authority as your fuel, your spiritual growth and unlimited potential will take off, but it can only fire on one cylinder, and it won't be what it could be. And the foundation upon which that potential rested... will crumble, which will be "earth-shaking". (Intense symbolism!)

The stand upon which that rocket rested is reminiscent of the ladder in the previous dream: all the growth you've acquired thus far. The step-by-step progress you'd made up to now.

The earth-shaking of the stand falling in this last dream sure seems akin to that thundrous sound you heard in the next scenarios.

These symbols seem intended to shake you up, to make you look harder at all of this. Something intense is happening here, and you hold the key to getting things back on track, but you have to actually use that key to accomplish what you need to at this time.

The last scenes show that as you're "in bed with" the current masculine energy you're using to navigate life right now, you're not really in the here and now, you're stuck in the past energetically, maneuvering through your life unaware of that, using aspects of self in charge that are no longer appropriate. You're not really even working from a "safe and sound" foundation of Self - you're outside the intimate self, which is needed for self-healing.

Whew! That's what I get, Nicole. Take or toss as you see fit, of course! Hope it helps!! ((((((Hugs!))))))

Love you!
Sowelu

[LilliHart]

Hi Nicole,
Usually I wouldn't pipe in on one of these, especially after Sowelu, but I just have to here and you will see why...

for one thing I have been taking a homepathic remedy lately and it is for restlessness, anxiety, and the feeling of being under attach and poisoned and guess what it is? Poison Ivy...called Rhus Tox and it has many of the symptoms you have described in your post including these crazy dreams. I have them too.

And here is another interesting synchronistic thing...

I had a dream two nights ago about being on a hillside and seeing an old cat that was a former friends cat that I cared for for about about a year. She came to me and called me and led me to the side of a hill. On the hill side I saw dozens of kittens asleep in amidst the rocks. She told me they looked really sweet and cute but that they were feral and if I went any further I would see the moms and dad cats asleep in amidst the rocks too and they were not so cute or so freinds.

It was a clear warning to me that there was danger ahead in the current situation I am dealing with. Sort of like the dogs in your dream. i knew immediately if I messed with and woke the kittens in the dream I would incur the wrath of their parents and be in very deep doo doo. And I am not afraid of any cats every so this was a deep and clear warnging to me.

Just a coupla thoughts. LikeSowelu says, take it or toss it!

Lili

[Nicole]

Man, I don't know where to start, how to get back to where I need to be...where do I start! So much at once! I know some of it but can't organize it into anything meaningful in my conscious mind if that makes sense. Any suggestion?

PS - I knew the ivy was given to me for a reason and that it's a huge lesson. I can bless it for that!

[Sowelu]

Well we're all different, of course, and we do our processing in our own unique ways...

What I do when I'm confused, hurting and need to recenter, is I'll often sit myself down with the intent of discovery, and I'll write down what my beliefs are about my situation. Then I ask myself questions about the validity of each belief, all sides brought into view.

I believe _____ right now.

Ok... why do I believe that? Because ______.

Ok, do I know this to be true? Is this coming from my head or my heart? Does it feel good? Does it feel "off" in some way? Does it make me wonder about anything?

Does it make me want to talk to someone? If so, what would I want to say to, or ask of, that person? Is anything vital to my own sovereignty riding on the answer another might give me? Am I giving away my power to affect my own well-being to another? Does that feel right? If they answer in the positive, what does that give me? If they answer in the negative, what does that give me?

Am I afraid?

Things like that. As I go through the process, I usually come up with feelings that need to be cried out or otherwise expressed in some fashion (yelling at self, higher self, guidance into the air, etc.). It's about just getting really real with myself, daring to expose my hidden stuff, honest to the core.

Love you!
Sowelu

[dee]

Nicole I offer you some simple *Hugs* and some Light and some Love, if you want it, take it, it is yours


This too will pass.

[Nicole]

Thanks Dee and Sowelu!

I realized that the night before's dream was linked, or I think it is. Your take? I copied it from a post somewhere else...


Last night I had this really stressful dream. I was in a very nice
hotel that also was sort of like a condo place, near the top floor.
I got in the elevator wiht three girls, one I remember was a girl at
work. When we pressed the down button the elevator started going
nuts. It was turning flips - I was thinking how is this possible! -
and I finally managed to hang on to something long enough to get to
the control pad to press this button to stop all functions. Then I
grabbed the red phone to call the front desk or whoever to tell them
to help and it rang (My room I guess) and got Shaun! I was frantic
and had to tell him to please call and get help, that I only had
three minutes before it would start up again. It was difficult to
get him to understand.

So it started again and I struggled to push the button again. This
time I opened a panel in the elevator, that was really small by the
way, and crawled into someone's kitchen, right above their sink! I
went first the other girls followed. We were in what looked like an
abandoned apartment on the top floor. We went out on the balcony
area and it looked like most of them were abandoned, but we found
one neighbor on his balcony (they were just separated by walls low
enough to see).

Then this rocket ship looking plane or something comes up and it has
laser missles like on star trek. I had already suspected but knew
then it was after me. I started running and made my way down to the
bottom floor. There was a shopping area and a large ballroom.
Sometime along the way I made a few calls to someone in law
enforcement and demanded that they let someone - an ex sherriff or
something - out of jail because he could stop this! They were like I
know but it's harder than it sounds to get him out but I'll try.
Along the way I noticed that there were 3 rocket like ships all
aiming for me. At one point I realized that i'd been tagged or
something and they could see me through the bricks and all. But then
there was something else that helped me hide although I don't know
what.

I was combing the perimeter trying to dodge them and finally made a
get away. Me and a few others made it down the street into an old
part of town that was mostly inhabited by black people. I knew an
old man there who was "on our side." I found his house and went in.
The door was built really funky so that I almost couldn't get
through the front door it was so short but I got in and he was
outside, saw me and followed. We could see the rocket thingys but
they didn't know where I was and the dream just sort of faded out.

[Nicole]

Ok, here's my notes from an interesting meeting I just had with St Germaine, who I have only recently begun working with. Interesting!


I woke up around 5pm, got up and ate, and then checked my email and
the forum here. I was being told to shut down the computer and so I
did and knew I needed to try and connect. I used to be like an
antennae but lately it hasn't been working, or has had interference,
so I wasn't sure what I would get.

I found myself with St Germaine as a revolutionary type man and me
in a big frilly period dress. He took me by the hand and we began to
dance. Then it changed and I was in a darker color dress like it was
more Eastern Europe of that period (at least in movies). I have been
going through trying to release letting the "old feminine" and "old
masculine" parts of me, that are dysfunctional, run my life and it's
hard to even see how to let go. But I got it and said "I don't want
to do this dance anymore!" and I stopped dancing.

Then he turned into a nice little oriental man who finally ended up
looking like Mr Miagi. I was dressed in simple clothes and kneeling
on the floor and he was in front of me teaching me. He told me that
intent was what I needed to cut the cord of the old feminine and at
that moment he cut it! I was like wow that was quick and he said
that the intent was there and so he assisted. Then we did the
masculine, and he said I'd now be free to make decisions without
their "control" and they would be recycled into my being. He even
blended them up in a blender and poured them back into me!

Then he took his hands and put them etherically into my body, pulled
out two implants, and put them back in switched.

Since those false beliefs (masc and fem) had a hand in my poison
ivy, it began to itch tremendously and he said it was now stimulated
to heal and I would feel it as a result.

I'm trying to remember this all and will surely leave some out but
I'm trying. He said that my lack of confidence in healing has to do
with these false beliefs and that he will aid as proxy until I can
get "on my feet" with it, meaning confidence.

Oh, he went and reached into a golden bowl and pulled out a golden
symbol. I couldn't see what it was but then realized it was the
wrench and he put it to my 3rd eye. Then he did other symbols, all
golden. I've been shown the energy coming from my hands lately as
golden instead of other colors so this fits although I'm not sure
what it means. My head started to sort of ache in this area, just
slightly.

He said to take the SOL bath when I get it and to wash the sheets no
later than tomorrow morning. He also told me to stop the B complex
and take more calcium for the illness. Said that part of this whole
exercise was to get me to LISTEN to my teachers, and secondarily to
get me to listen to myself about what I need. I could go on about
this but won't bore you with the details (I knew the various facets
of this once he said so).

I told him he looked like Mr Miagi and he said it was a form that
was pleasing to me and he was honored to have taken the form of such
a respected teacher, even if from a movie! I told him I was honored
as well.

He then turned into the violet flame, sitting on top of a golden
cushion, and I picked it up and put it on a pedestal of sorts where
it was stored. More like an alter I guess, to get it off the floor.

[AgeA]

Nicole, St. Germaine once materialized for me but I was too much into myself as it is often with me so we didnt had any meaningful conversation. He looked like middle age well groomed European.

[Sowelu]

Nicole, I’m so sorry but I’m having a real hard time with your situation. It’s my own in a sense, because it’s reflecting the energetic reality in me I’m working on facing and healing.

“Being given poison ivy"... this stands out to me as "off", which is irrelevant, I know. Your life is not my business unless you ask me for help, and even then... it's your life. What follows is my need to express, and you owe me nothing. I don’t want this to be a battle of wills or mental/emotional ping-pong. I just need to sort things out, and I’ve been having difficulty doing it on my own, so I’m expressing it to you.

I'm just having trouble with the idea that it's ever a healthy thing to subject ourselves to something harmful, or believe we must, in order to gain something for the self. It happens, sure! But to consciously and deliberately choose this... seems rather abusive to me. If it happens as a matter of course when choosing a heart's desire, that's one thing. But to expect it, choose it, anticipate it... as if it's necessary, right and good for us... sounds cruel.

I’ve been doing it myself unconsciously, and I’m working out why, but to see another doing it with conscious deliberation… is hard to watch. The way I’ve been doing it unconsciously is through empathizing with others who are having difficulties, then finding myself “wearing” their dark energy, or fears. Then I “work through them” in order to carve a healing path in the energetic ether here, so to speak. This process, while understandable from a certain perspective, is fostered by a belief in vulnerability. It's really a savior complex, truth be told. Caretaker to the max, eh? Dysfunction, certainly!

It stems from a belief in fear (that others can't take care of themselves in the way that's best for them, as if I know better for them), instead of believing in truth and love. It’s an illness in itself! It does not honor others, it does not exhibit faith in the nature of life, soul, spirit… any of it. It is fear-based in itself. I see it, but I can’t seem to shake it. Yet.

And the worst part is that my own inner child is feeling repeatedly abused and traumatized. That is what has brought this whole entangled mess to my attention. She is sooooo tired of doing this work. Of having to take on and face ugly energy over and over and over. It no longer matters that "we're always ok". The problem is that she has to live through a "reality paradigm" of pain, sorrow, fear and whatever else is part of an energy packet... over and over and over. And it's exhausting and awful as a way of life. She needs to be fully incorporated into the heart, integrated, is the feeling. Instead, I keep her "out there in separation" so that I can heal "one more piece", and it's too much, and feels not necessary anymore.

I'm mentioning this because I woke prematurely today with the idea of Munchausen by proxy running through me. It was coming from my inner child who was trying to express the underlying psychology behind "healers" taking on illness they don't have and didn't acquire as a natural happenstance of their own inner growth, in order to heal it. The feeling was that this belief in processing is "of the old" and it's time for it stop... but it doesn't stop because this underlying fear is never faced. So lightworkers and healers keep "abusing their inner children" while continuing to do their work, instead of doing the work of finally integrating that child into the heart so she no longer has to go through all of these inner roller-coaster rides, battered and abused and traumatized.

When a person faces an illness that exists naturally in them (and here that means acquiring it unconsciously), that illness was acquired through misunderstanding life, misinterpreting circumstance, misperceiving truth, misdirecting love. Fine. Facing those inner twists and healing them is what we do to regain our wholeness. By bringing light to our inner darkness.

But deliberately seeking out illness or believing its origins are "from another" - ANY other - so that the bearer could then heal them is an activity borne of that very misunderstanding of life mentioned. In other words, it’s an activity that is evidence of illness present already, the real illness needing healing.

The soul essence, heart and spirit of us does not need training or practice to heal. It is a natural aspect of who we already are. This is what a true healer learns through healing the dis-ease and distortions truly existent in their own energies. The pockets of dis-ease taken on unconsciously as life is lived naturally, that when brought to conscious awareness, heal the self naturally.

So it is the lower self/ego, that which is not in alignment with the heart/soul/spirit that is seeking aggrandizement through this mental idea that it’s a good thing to subject ourselves to more abuse for any reason. It’s an aggressive attack on the inner child, in fact. And it smacks of being unnecessarily traumatic for the inner child, who is already dealing with underlying “illness” or dis-ease, because if she/he weren’t, a person would not choose to do this! When you’re healthy and whole, you know it’s a false path. So if you’re doing it, you have a real, personal distortion/dis-ease acting as the fuel for this traumatic activity. THAT is what needs healing! This adding insult to injury is distraction from the real issue. In other words, those who do this are afraid to look deeper in themselves at why they believe what they do, which has them behaving as they do.

I normally keep these kinds of thoughts to myself, seeing them as self-lessons and I work on them inside and privately, etc. This time, for whatever reason, I cannot seem to do that. I'm seeking healing myself, I suppose, and because I cannot see me all that clearly right now, perhaps I'm "talking to the mirror" that is you, Nicole. I know my own inner child, who loves you to pieces, Nicole, is reading what's going on with you and is hurting as a result. To us, this path you’re on seems quite deluded and egoic.

The path does, the choice does… not the real you. Please realize that we know the difference. We make choices like the ones you’re making when we’re confused and turned around, wanting advancement in our lives… but it’s from a false place. Or so it seems to me/us over here. And so we feel you're coming from a false place too. See? Easy... and so very difficult to deal with!

My part is that I need to stop recycling into the unconscious energies of the human condition and “healing them” over and over and over, too. It shows a pitiful lack of faith in my fellow human beings! It belies a lowly attitude toward "us mere humans", coming from my "greater-than-others", elite and powerful ego self, no? *sigh* I seem to be doing on the inner planes what it seems you’re doing at the more visible levels, and neither feels right or true or healthy or helpful to anyone.

The other thing that keeps coming in is that each of us, every single being in the universe, attracts precisely and exactly what they need to learn what their soul/spirit chose to learn! No one ever contracts or gets something that they shouldn’t have, or that they can’t handle. They have all they need to heal whatever ails them. Inside them! And if they choose not to heal, that is their sovereign choice, too.

The only time another’s health or state of disease is our business is if they ask us for help, and then… our only “job” is to help them find the healer within themselves. WE do nothing “for” them. No one can ever actually do anything for another. If it seems so, it’s illusion. And if we’re striving to “get real”… best to leave these ideas behind.

If you go back to the Munchausen by proxy disease, the motivator in a particular expression of that disease is power-seeking. The mother, usually, harms the child in order to heal the child. And be seen/get attention as a healer. The more confusing the illness, the more complicated the symptoms, the more it confounds the doctors, the better healer the mother gets to believe she is when she miraculously heals the child. It’s really just another form of rape. And it only happens to mothers who aren’t healing themselves. Their own inner child carries a fear of being vulnerable. The person is invested in victim consciousness. And so their belief in their own vulnerability that scares them so much, keeps them from going inward to face and heal it! So they end up going outward and “using” their child to prove they’re alright. To prove that they’re not only healthy, but powerfully so! Which they aren’t, so it never works. And what of the child? The child is a pawn in the mother’s power-seeking! The child’s plight is ignored. The ego of the mother is more important than her child’s life, health and well-being!

Back to my own involvement in this entangled mess... my main motivation for life here has been "to help". But I'm facing a reality that the only help I can ever really provide is to love. So it seems my main motivator is a false one... or so it seems to me right now. I face the future, then, uncertain of my purpose, my value, my intent... everything. And it's confusing as hell, I'll tell ya! But I feel I'm not moving forward because of this.

I never had a job or family or any of the human life situations that keep me busy or purposeful at the human level. My only function here has been this work. The inner planes being my workplace, so to speak. And now... I'm faced with continue to live on the planet and no longer have inner work to do... and I'm SOL, frankly. The guidance I've always received is "be yourself". Well... I guess I'm facing a whole new level of what that really means. I lost identity with my outer persona back in the early 90's. Guess now it's time to let go of the spiritual persona as well, perhaps. I honestly don't know.

But I do know that this fear of the unknown future is at least part of why I've been recycling through the dark energies still present here, the "old", and work, work, working them like there's no tomorrow, for the last few months! I don't have a need to work those, I need to face this fear of the unknown in me. But instead, I "use" the inner child of humanity, suck it's lifeforce, for my own need to feel useful and purposeful. And for that... I'm gravely sorry, folks. Now that I see it better, it's on the way out as a practice of mine.

I may regret posting this later, but for the moment it feels right, so I'm going for it. Nicole I hope you realize that I love you dearly and I want nothing more than to honor your choices and your sovereignty. My whole reason for posting this is because I'm having great difficulty with just that.

Much love, compassion for us all, and gratitude for the learning,
Sowelu

[Nicole]

I'm so glad you've found value in this Sowelu! And you always help me to understand myself better in the process. Thank you for that!

I do think that we've had a miscommunication of sorts. I used the wrong choice of words in an effort to quickly communicate what I wanted to. Guess next time I will be more deliberate. Still glad it helped you though!

When I said "I was given" I meant a few different things actually. First, it was already being stored in my body and physiologically I know that as I have gotten healther and detoxed in the past few months, it was time for this layer to be released. I knew that it was "spontaneous" as opposed to me catching it outside somewhere. Now, the other thing going on is that it was one of my own tests in self-healing. I never expected another to heal this for me, although I admit in the more intense times of it I've begged! Along those lines, I also didn't go for conventional treatments like a shot, which were a "quick fix" but with long term consequences to my body.

Why would I self impose this at any level? I'm stubborn as hell and I don't listen even to myself. One of the things I've gotten better at since this started was actually acknowledging myself and acting on what I acknowledge. I realized how much I was ignoring - TONS! Then like several hours later I'd have a big "DUH I should have listened and tried that" moment.

That said, I did work on this stuff with Jeshua and Germaine and they have not done anything except be in integrity. They have given me symbols, but that just means encoded information to help me remember and access what I have forgotten. Symbolic in a sense I guess.

One of the other lessons I'm taking away from this is that there is no reason that I should have put myself through this suffering without seeking help when I realized that I could not help myself. This goes back to the part of your post about healers and healing. Yep, I have it inside of me to heal (hence this lesson!) but I also should have the good sense to go ask for help when I'm overwhelmed. To me that's all a healer does - help. I could go heal someone and know that it would come back in a day if they don't get what they need to get, ya know? But the point is sometimes you just need help. Not everyone is "on our level" and they may need help. Hell, I need help! I "got" this today and am calling my chiropractor lady that I've been seeing for this NAET therapy stuff and saying "hey, I need help!" LOL I waited until the day before I am seeing her but Yep, I finally got that one!

I guess this brings me to say that there is a lot of stuff that has not been "brought down" into the 3D physical and I intend to bring some of it into this body and awareness of mine. I'm in new territory myself and this has been a tremendous learning experience. My body is also healthier than it's been in ages and before this outbreak I was feeling great for the first time in ages! I have been neglecting the physical for too long, focusing on my other bodies. And I really want to assist as a healer energetically, physically, however I can. First though I guess I gotta do some more work on my own BS (belief systems)!!

Love you Sowelu and thanks for assisting me with getting clarity! You're a profound healer yourself you know!

Love,
Nicole

[Sowelu]

I'm still in the midst of "all my stuff" around all of this, but I really, really... REALLY appreciate how you are with honesty, Nicole. You've helped me see a few things - and just the fact that YOU HELPED ME SEE is part of what I just learned from your response - so thank you. There's something to do with intent and other nuances of action going on here for me, and I'll get to it.

Bless you a million times over for pacing through this life with me. I couldn't ask for a better partner when that's what you are with me, or a better friend, or a better light.

I love you ooodles and gobs and piles and tons!!
Sowelu

[Nicole]

Aw, you're gonna have me here boo hooing at work if you don't stop it! hehehe Truly, I feel the same about you Sowelu! I realize that although I've gained clarity on this part, there is still more, and I sooooo appreciate your part in helping me to get a handle on it!

Love you oodles of noodles! (hehehe that's what my brain was saying!)

Nicole