The Vitamin thread clearing

[Sowelu]

In all honesty, at the time that I posted what I did, I first posted a long explanation about how FIGHTING ANYTHING is keeping it alive, and I'm tired of people using false logic to both reinvest in the madness of this world, as well as throw it in others' faces that they NEED TO FIGHT IT TOO. ENOUGH! was the feeling I had.

I also explained that the only villain here is one's BELIEFS . This is the only thing we're "victim" of, and inside the self is the only battlefield worth attending. If you're still fighting "out there", you're still not getting it. But I deleted it and wrote what you all saw because "I didn't want to preach"... too. Get it? BAH!

I felt like I had a lunatic yelling at me in my living room. When I see this kind of energetic insistence on TV, I switch channels. When they call my house, I hang up without a conversation. Here, I didn't have those options.

This is why I had the kind of response I did. I come here for the HEART energies, not this stuff, and I... am tired of encountering this type of militant, forceful "I know what you need" kind of energy from others, always based in fears they can't see they have.

I'm all for passion and enthusiasm. I LOVE when someone is jazzed about something in their life. It's exciting and reminds me of the joy of life and our ability to have an impact in the physical world - one of the reasons soul incarnates here, imo! But THIS? This wasn't joy-filled enthusiasm or heart-based passion, imo. It was fear mascquerading as love for others and belief in self. FALSE love and FALSE belief. And I'm worn out by it in this world.

Here, on this board, it bothers me more than it would anywhere else in the world because here is a place for heart frequencies, and this type of stuff is definitely not of the heart. But hey... just cuz I know this, another will think I just THINK this, until they know it too.

And yes, it's still a mirror for me, because if you look at all I've just written, I THINK I KNOW SOMETHING OTHERS NEED TO KNOW... JUST like KNOWTHIS thinks he knows something others need to know.

And the truth is, if what I know never made it past my front door, the universe would be fine. All is as it should be, at ALL times. Not just when I decide so, but ALWAYS. Which makes all of this insisting stuff moot, imo. And yet, once again, here I am doing it. ARGH!!!!

So there folks, now you know what I was trying to say a wee bit better than before.

But you're right, liza, it's arrogance, it's pride, it's all the stuff I've battled my whole life, residing in the ego, not the heart.

By the way, I still feel I have a right NOT to be bombarded with this crap.

You can share your ideas with others, invite them into your point of view... but pounding it at them, INSISTING, DEMANDING, YELLING and INCITING FEAR or THE NEED TO ACT NOW...

This is your drama game, sucking life force from others without respect for their wishes. So that they MUST encounter you whether they wanted to or not, because you're IN THEIR FACE as if YOU know the truth and no one else on this planet gets it.

By all means, shine the light on the doors you'd like others to walk through with you, but give them a freakin' break and let them make their own choices about what they want to be involved with. This shoving it in our faces as if our lives depend on it is rude, obnoxious, insensitive and disrespectful.

Yes, IN MY OPINION.

With honesty and love (which isn't a mushy sentiment),
Sowelu

[Sowelu]

For those interested in how this mirrors, re-read the first few paragraphs with my new comments inserted:

In all honesty, at the time that I posted what I did, I first posted a long explanation about how FIGHTING ANYTHING is keeping it alive, and I'm tired of people (read: ME, and then when others reflect it back to me!) using false logic to both reinvest in the madness of this world, as well as throw it in others' faces that they NEED TO FIGHT IT TOO. ENOUGH! was the feeling I had.

I also explained that the only villain here is one's BELIEFS . This is the only thing we're "victim" of, and inside the self is the only battlefield worth attending. If you're still fighting "out there", you're still not getting it. (again, ME telling ME what I need to understand) But I deleted it and wrote what you all saw because "I didn't want to preach"... too. Get it? BAH! (thereby withholding the learning of this lesson from myself so I could agonize another few days about it. UGH!)

I felt like I had a lunatic yelling at me in my living room (exactly how my own inner petty tyrant makes me feel when it's flaring and spinning about something)). When I see this kind of energetic insistence on TV, I switch channels. When they call my house, I hang up without a conversation. Here, I didn't have those options.

This is why I had the kind of response I did. I come here for the HEART energies, not this stuff, and I... am tired of encountering (in ME!) this type of militant, forceful "I know what you need" kind of energy from others, always based in fears they can't see they have. (what's my fear? That whenever I feel I know something, it's actually this fear-based stuff and not the knowing I feel it is in the moment. This holds me back in a great many ways.)

Remember we're integrating the Divine Masculine and Feminine (7:7:7 Vortex) and it's a huge endeavor. There's a lot of false holding back as well as false moving forward involved in this integration, imo. This is a bit of my processing of it in my own energies.

[Sowelu]

Something else that I haven't made clear here that I'd like to, is this:

KNOWTHIS, none of my responses or reactions have anything to do with WHO YOU ARE. I love you, without issue.

What I'm working through are issues around your BEHAVIOR in this thread.

I respect who you are, how you feel, what you want, and even your ideas about how to go about satisfying that. I can even cheer for you from the sidelines.

But your behavior felt disrespectful to me, just as my response was likely disrespectful feeling to you. THIS is what I'm working on resolving for myself. What is the real heart response to this sort of thing? I don't know yet.

As I said, in a way you're in my living room. A place I helped design and that I "live in", by choice. This behavior isn't something I want decorating my living room. That's all.

The difference may not seem like much to some, but it feels to be a distinction I need to express at this time, as I continue to work through all of this.

Normally, I don't give things like this a second thought. Mainly because I respect people's choices for living any way they decide is right for them, and when I encounter their choices in the world at large, I simply steer around them if they're not to my liking. The difficulty here was that I didn't have that option, the yelling smacked me in the face as I entered the "general room". Even then, I normally can just move on and read something else. This time, I didn't and apprently "couldn't". And I can't seem to let it go until I learn whatever it is I need to around it all.

Incidentally, before you posted this thread I had an encounter with my roommate where I played the role you play here - fervently expressing myself to my roommate about what I passionately believe she "should" do to make her life better. It was offensive to her.

So... my own behavior bothered me. Then I come here and you mirrored it, and I FELT what my roommate felt when I behaved that way. So I have both sides on the feeling level. The resolution is what's missing so far.

Input is welcome, btw.

With love,
Sowelu

[Sowelu]

And just cuz this clearing is a work in progress, I'll add that I became aware that I yelled at my roommate because I "feared for her health and life".

This, too, seems to be mirrored in KNOWTHIS' reasoning for his behavior.

hmmmm....

What's funny about it is that I don't fear my own death, and my life is full of suffering of one kind or another, but I have faith I'll get through it and be ok. And that I'm always ultimately ok.

But I've watched my roommate lose internal organs, almost bleed to death, deal with fat and blood pressure troubles, and the list goes on... and she recently chose AGAIN! to shut down, close up and shut out everyone as her way of "dealing with" an issue, and the fear of her "harming herself again" incited my behavior. I should say I realized all of that in retrospect, when I apologized to her.

So... it's STILL fear that produced the behavior in me. And that, again in retrospect, reveals that I have a lack of faith in her life and path being perfect as it is, to some degree.

And I didn't care for the way it felt to be yelling at someone I love. It isn't the first time, either. I also grew up with a Mom who "showed her love" that way, and it was always kinda... ugly. So... there you have it. All my ideas about it, my prejudice and judgments, yaddah yaddah... what to do about it all? Well, being honest and open has always been the way through for me, so that's why I'm writing all this here.

[liza]

Sowelu! *HUGS* I'm so sorry about you having to watch your roommate hurt herself. I know you're a very caring soul, and I think that is a huge clue to what roles you have also had in past lives. I have a feeling you played roles of caregiving through being a priest on an alien world.. you remind me of the Vedeks - holy and spiritual priests from Bajor in Star Trek Deep Space 6. You had a deep attachment to healing others.

I could be wrong, too! Sometimes I am able to pick up energies, and your energy was very strong in this thread. It's also a possibility that I misinterpeted it.

Love you!

You know, I'm glad you were able to express yourself and peel off another layer.

*ducks*

[liza]

The attachment I spoke of may be causing you turmoils in this life because this is not a world you are used to.. the people hurt themselves on purpose, and you aren't able to understand this.. so you go by what you've always known in the past? And that's contributing to a problem for you now? Time for a new way?

(((I could be WRONG, too)))

[Sowelu]

Though I have no specifics, liza, I think you're spot on with what you sensed. (((((hugs!)))))

In fact one of the things I even said to my roommate was that I didn't understand why she would choose what she did when there was another way that would actually cure her ailments, not just "get her through until next time". She said she just had to do it her way, and if she lived to find her way to full healing, great. If not, oh well, as long as she goes about it her way.

And I DO respect that. I understand... I'm stubborn too.

But in reality, I felt like a little girl when she told me, because I cried my heart out and (am again, just retelling it) told her I didn't want her to leave me again, that's why I was so upset. She always ends up doing that and I miss her terribly when she leaves, and she doesn't have to because I know how to help her. I felt like a young child.

It really felt like something from another life, to be honest (or maybe a role play of something from my childhood in this life that I don't remember?). And yet it fit this situation too, in a way. But the deep connection suddenly felt like it was coming from another time, another place.

I'm grateful to work with it and heal it, whatever it is. I see it as a source/fuel in many behaviors, beliefs and attitudes in the human condition. So healing it, clearing up the distortions, likely covers a lot of ground.

Interesting too that you sensed "Priest" energies. I've been told that's what I am, by guidance. Though I have no recollection of that specifically, again.

Thanks, liza! (((((Hugs!)))))

Love you!
Sowelu

[liza]

sowelu said:

Though I have no specifics, liza, I think you're spot on with what you sensed. (((((hugs!)))))

In fact one of the things I even said to my roommate was that I didn't understand why she would choose what she did when there was another way that would actually cure her ailments, not just "get her through until next time". She said she just had to do it her way, and if she lived to find her way to full healing, great. If not, oh well, as long as she goes about it her way.

And I DO respect that. I understand... I'm stubborn too.

But in reality, I felt like a little girl when she told me, because I cried my heart out and (am again, just retelling it) told her I didn't want her to leave me again, that's why I was so upset. She always ends up doing that and I miss her terribly when she leaves, and she doesn't have to because I know how to help her. I felt like a young child.

It really felt like something from another life, to be honest (or maybe a role play of something from my childhood in this life that I don't remember?). And yet it fit this situation too, in a way. But the deep connection suddenly felt like it was coming from another time, another place.

I'm grateful to work with it and heal it, whatever it is. I see it as a source/fuel in many behaviors, beliefs and attitudes in the human condition. So healing it, clearing up the distortions, likely covers a lot of ground.

Interesting too that you sensed "Priest" energies. I've been told that's what I am, by guidance. Though I have no recollection of that specifically, again.

Thanks, liza! (((((Hugs!)))))

Love you!
Sowelu

What I got was that you were a priest belonging in a world with different rules to operate on (Altantis, Mu, Lemuria, or a different planet or different universe? Different dimension in any of these places?), and there's just something deep about your role that is affecting you. Attachment is part of it, and it is possible that it is the human upbringing that amplified or introduced the attachment into the mix. I believe that you've done a lot of good in these forums, past and present.. and you shall contribute great things in the future as well. Don't forget yourself either!




I could be wrong in this post too

Like I said in the other thread, you ARE good for the soul... hopefully yours, and definitely mine

[Sowelu]

((((((Hugs!)))))))

Thanks so much, liza! I'm all weepy over here now, which I take as a GOOD thing.

MY sense is "different universe" altogether. (My whole heart hurts as I write right now.)

It's kind of bizarre, the situation with my roommate. We're 4 single adults who happen to live together, 2 male, 2 female, and I'm usually the "mother" energy among us. But when this event occurred, it was definitely a feeling of "child" for me. And a deeeep sense of loss if she were to "do it again". This sense of her dying before something was completed or healed or something.

Well, it always amazes me how things play out if we let them, and willingness is always key to it happening. At first, I wasn't willing, thus the "yeah, yeah, whatever" stuff. But... I can't do that for long, nor very well, I guess. LOL! Never could.

Thanks SO much for participating here, liza! ((((hugs)))) Your input has a way of triggering my heart just so, and I'm so grateful for that! For YOU!

Love you!
Sowelu

PS I LOVE all your little emoticons! They're so cute!

[Nicole]

Wonderful Sowelu! I didn't follow the original thread but have truly gotten a lot out of this one. Thanks for sharing!

[liza]

sowelu said:

((((((Hugs!)))))))

Thanks so much, liza! I'm all weepy over here now, which I take as a GOOD thing.

MY sense is "different universe" altogether. (My whole heart hurts as I write right now.)

It's kind of bizarre, the situation with my roommate. We're 4 single adults who happen to live together, 2 male, 2 female, and I'm usually the "mother" energy among us. But when this event occurred, it was definitely a feeling of "child" for me. And a deeeep sense of loss if she were to "do it again". This sense of her dying before something was completed or healed or something.

Well, it always amazes me how things play out if we let them, and willingness is always key to it happening. At first, I wasn't willing, thus the "yeah, yeah, whatever" stuff. But... I can't do that for long, nor very well, I guess. LOL! Never could.

Thanks SO much for participating here, liza! ((((hugs)))) Your input has a way of triggering my heart just so, and I'm so grateful for that! For YOU!

Love you!
Sowelu

PS I LOVE all your little emoticons! They're so cute!

Awww, Sowelu! HUGS to you! I feel like I understand where you're coming from, too. Kinda surreal that you got a role flip there of being the child this time, from acting like a mentor and teacher to many?? It doesn't make you any less better, ya know There is strength in vulnerability, too.. I heard that from somewhere, too. That's a real lesson for me, too.. now I think of it! LOL

You doin' allright there?

Nicole, glad you liked the thread

[Sowelu]

Hey Nisroc!

I'm glad to hear you got something from all of this! It always clicks with me that all this writing DOES have purpose when someone tells me they gained from reading my stuff, and I really, really appreciate that. Sometimes I think I live in this weird-o universe that no one else gets... so it's way cool when it clicks for others, too. ((((((Hugs!))))))

There is strength in vulnerability, too..

Indeed, liza. That's where the willingness thing comes in. Until I'm willing to be vulnerable, I have a "hard outer layer" that tends to be righteous and preachy. LOL! I know this, and it's been that way since I was born, pretty much. LOL! (Must be the whole Priest energy, eh?)

And don't get me wrong, that way of being has its place, I feel, and it has assisted me here and there throughout my life. It's just that when I need to release something, I have to sort of let that go or put it aside for a while.

But once I choose willingness, I open and feel my vulnerability, and it is through that, that information flows, healing occurs, and my real strength shines. Even I see it, and it surprises me every time.

And yes, I am well. I encountered your post here today and once again felt the weepiness. This teary, deep loving feeling, and again how precious you are to me. Like other things that move through me, it surprises me every time. But this time I made a connection that is intriguing...

My mother is "Elizabeth", I may have mentioned that before. There is a similarity in your energy to hers, and I have a very deep bond and love for my Mom (frankly, at times she feels like my child).

She is actually hurting quite deeply these days, like my roommate is. Major physical pain, heart disease among other ailments, and constant suffering that is frightening to her. On top of that she has a lot of fear around new healing methodologies and such too, so she's between a rock and a hard place.

And SHE is so precioius to me, too, and I think when I connect with you, the "Elizabeth energy"... it has a very soothing effect on me, liza.

Again, tears. I just feel like thanking you a hundred thousand times over. Is it weird for you? I hope not. ((((Hugs))))

This hard, crusty layer of mine is VERY MUCH like my Mother's "way of being", and so that too is linked in here. It's as though... when I do things like the yelling I did at my roommate, I'm "being my mother", in a sense. I feel the "automatic" flow and feel like I can't stop it or NOT yell like that. It had me very confused and upset afterward, because I don't want to "hurt" anyone that way.

Turns out my roommate understood it better than I, and told me it was one of the ways that she trusts me or knows she can count on me, believe it or not! Because I "always do what's needed, even when it isn't pleasant". THIS is her way of knowing me for the last 5 or so years! I was surprised by that, I can tell you that!

But ANYway... it's as though, by going through this consciously myself, daring to be vulnerable and feel all there is to feel around it, and talk about it too, I'm learning about my Mother's fears, as well as how she feels everyday of her life, and it unifies me even more to her. Instead of pity or anger or some other emotional tie, I'm gaining a deeper compassionate tie to her life plight. If that makes any sense to others.

And in a sense, you feel like a "homing beacon" for the Elizabeth energies to me right now. A better balanced, more aware "Elizabeth" in my midst, and it's soothing, inspiring and encouraging.

Anyway, I did my best to explain that last bit, not sure how well it came across, though. You're unique, liza, by all means, and I once described my sense of you elsewhere.

But the feeling I have is that you springboard that uniqueness off a certain set of energies I know intimately, that I call "Elizabeth" energy.

I hope this description of how I feel things isn't offensive because it certainly isn't meant to be! I find this source pool of energy to be pretty darn close to The Source itself, frankly, and it is a nourishing energy for me. Part of the "Mother" archetype, certainly, which is the Divine Feminine, of course. The "true mother" of us all. Perhaps even what many call "Mary DNA", is how I feel it.

Thanks again for joining in. ((((Hugs!))))

With love,
Sowelu

[Sowelu]

DOH! I forgot to mention the most important part of ALL of this!

I'm going to visit my mother in 2 weeks, and I haven't seen her in quite a while. A few weeks ago I found I couldn't speak to her on the phone without crying because I could feel her pain, and wanted so much to comfort her somehow.

So I wrote a letter to my maker, basically, asking for some Divine something to ease her pain or comfort her or SOMETHING. Something that was in line with the Highest Good of All but that my mother could personally benefit from. Because she deserves it, as we all do frankly, and because it feels like it's time, somehow.

So... all of this has come about since that letter, and it sure seems to me that it's all linked somehow, you know?

With love,
Sowelu

[liza]

Mwah Sowelu! You've been in my thoughts, and thank you for sharing your input about my energies too. That's cool that your mother has the same name! Did she visit already?

Love you very dearly!