Feeling shitty

[ceara]

I can't keep it in any longer, I have to write this and get it overwith... for my own good.

I was helping someone do some stuff on another forum, and over almost 2 years we became friends online. I got too involved and learned too much personal information. I started to become judgemental and think that I had all the answers. Well I was sorely mistaken. I became very negative towards this other person, and he came back at me with some very hurtful, nasty things. I guess I deserved it, although I never attacked this other person like I was attacked.

I have apologized for my actions, but it doesn't seem to help... I feel my actions were almost triggered in a way out of revenge for what was said about me to others, and to my face.

I felt truly sorry and tried to patch things up. But now I'm being totally ignored, as if I meant nothing, and still possibly mean nothing to this other person. I feel like all those hours assisting in "secretary" type duties on this other message forum was all for naught. He was supposed to be my teacher, having talked all the time about being a medium for 17+ years. He never did have all the answers as he claimed. He would say, "I know exactly what you need to open up." When I tried to ask questions on that score, he would always say, "too tired, too busy, can't do it right now, I'll have to look later."

I was told I had talent and would channel in the future, but now I'm really uncertain if that will ever be the case. I feel like I'm being teased, with all this channeled information online and books saying, "anyone can do it" but I seem to not have the ability to do so. I understand that not everyone will do so, but at one time I truly believed I would be doing something important in my life, something that would make a difference for others.

I was also told by another medium I would be a "way-show-er" for others, to help open doors for them. But how can I possibly help others if I don't have a clue what to say? How can I help others if others do not come to me? They don't even know I exist.

I know logically we are never alone, that we all have guides, angels, etc. But I feel truly alone in the spiritual sense.

I have tried to make new friends, but it's so hard. I really don't have anyone to talk to any more, because I end up talking about useless crap that has nothing to do with spirituality because I feel like a total idiot that has nothing important to say or share. My other friends that still care about my well being do not have time to talk to me anymore due to job and family obligations. I just feel I've been left in the dust.

I just feel unwanted in the spiritual communities and that it wouldn't matter to others if I stayed or went. Should I keep trying? Or should I go back to my regular mundane life, doing what I used to do before I even looking up anything spiritual online?

But if I stop everything spiritual altogether, does that mean I'm going be left behind once again when the great shift comes and I end up being a cave dweller trying to explain what lightning and fire is? Or will I move on with the rest?

I'm just at a total loss as to what to do, feeling shitty and like I'm walking around in circles.

I want to ask for help, but there are no spiritual people in this small town at all. At least none that I can sense. The rest, well, it's all online, and no one wants to help for free, which is understandabe. So I really don't have anyone to talk to that could help me. This sucks, it really sucks.

Then this bring up the "going within" bit. I know we all have information inside of us, and by going within we should find all the answers we need. But when I go within, I draw a blank.

I'm really doubting everything these days. Doubts are supposed to be our friends, according to what I've read. But I don't see how these crappy feelings as a result of these doubts are friendly.

What are my lessons? What am I supposed to be doing in this life? Surely it wasn't just to be a housewife, that doesn't make sense. There has got to be something more!!

The only positive things in my life are my family and spouse. They are the only ones that have stood beside me through thick and thin, and loved me no matter what. But it doesn't seem to be enough, or is that just my imagination or wishful thinking?

Thanks for listening, I just needed to voice my feelings, in hopes that through my dreams and quiet times that answers would come, hopefully soon.

[Sowelu]

((((((((((((Hugs!)))))))))))))

Thank you, Ceara, for expressing here! It's not always so easy to do, and I'm so glad you feel safe enough to do so here. ((((Major hugs to you!))))

It may not help much, but I've felt everything you've expressed here on my own path. It truly does get extremely lonely and confusing at times. The fact that you've expressed these things may well indicate a shift for you around it all. I hope so, sweetie.

On my own path, that's all I do, it seems, is "express, express, express". It DOES seem to get the energy moving along, which does generate change and growth in new ways. So, I'm all for expressing!

Your sincerity and willingness really are key, and they're so apparent here. May you be blessed with the very best in store for you, and soon.

Tons of love and blessings to you! ((((Hugs))))
Sowelu

[Edward]

Well it's good you are not holding this in anymore. You should be getting this all out, like you are now. You don't really want to hold onto or supress or stuff emotions or issues. It's best to clear them and get them out in the open and out of the system. It really does wonders when you release this old energy.

I have also gone through what you have. We all have. The Important thing is to keep vigiliant to your hearts desires and even though you do not have anyone to talk to near your home, There is plenty of ppl online. I am here when ever you need to talk. you have me on msn, let's chat about anything. Because anyting and everything involves the journey we are all on. Nothing is unimportant. Remember everything is important and yes you are important..


((((((Hugs)))))))

Peace, Love and Enlightenment,

Ed

[AgeA]

Ceara I am sorry you feel ignored and lonely. You are very welcome here.

Ceara have you ever considered that the reason why you cant connect with your guides is yourself? Do you think you are ready to be 100 percent nonjudgmental to whatever or whomever will come to you? I dont think I can even though I am connected I still think I am blocking parts of me. For example I can hardly be just an observer in relationship between me and my lover cause I am emotionally engaged and yes everything I remembered about us made a difference. Also another example I know of a woman, my friend, who was married for many years had many children and was psychic for many years yet only now she find some things about her husband. She was accused as a witch in the 16th century England and he was the one who burned her at the stake. I don't know if she would or wouldn't be able live with this information all her life. So to make the point here are you open enough to accept whatever will come with your reclaimed psychic abilities? Are you Ceara?

If you are it would be easy for you just do the white screen technique.

[ceara]

Thank you all for replying. Just FYI it is not this forum that made me feel unwelcome, it's another place entirely.

Thanks Sowelu, expression is the way to go. It's hard sometimes when deep down you know it's the right thing to do, but others say, oh you shouldn't do that, it doesn't "look nice."

Ed, you are a real sweet guy, and I had fun talking to you about Stargate and stuff like that. Thank you for your offer of MSN chat, and no offense to anyone, but I am not ready to get back to the online chat thing just yet. That's where it all started in the beginning. Online chat can sometimes appear very cold and uncaring, just words on the screen. It is difficult to know what the person on the other end is really feeling. But never fear, there is always email! I won't shut you out, because I know you only want to help. You are truly angelic. Give me a couple weeks and then we'll get back to MSN or Skype.

AgeA, about past lives, et al, well, I'm not quite sure how to word this. Some lives are full of wonder, and happiness and love. Other lives concentrate on the darker sides. I understand this. I'm sure I've been murdered and have murdered. I'm sure some unpleasant things have happened. I know I've been persecuted in a past life and I know I've betrayed and been betrayed. I feel I was Native American at one time. I am not afraid to cry, I am not afraid to have emotions. I just wish I could get rid of the doubt.

What is the white screen technique?

I understand where you are coming from. When a beloved relationship ends, it feels terrible and your judgement gets cloudy. I understand how you are feeling.

If I were to see a past life where I might have been wronged by David, well I would tell him about it, and perhaps have a good cry and release it. I couldn't blame him NOW for what happened in another life that he probably won't even remember. That is not fair. Besides I know how he is in THIS life and he's so sweet and would never deliberately hurt anyone. It would be interesting to finally learn what brought us together, because he was just this huge magnet to me and I never understood it. When he first made the offer for us to hook up on a permanent basis, I first refused, but my heart kept telling me to go for it. So I followed my heart.

I tend to be rather wordy, but I wanted to type the last paragraph because I thought perhaps you wondered if I could keep a relationship with someone after knowing details of past lives.

I had a reading from a medium in Arizona a couple months ago and he didn't go into detail but he's the one that said I would be a way-show-er to others. He also said that in this life I need to learn to balance logic/science with spirituality and I guess all these doubts are part of the exercises that need to be worked through. I just wish I could learn more and understand more. I just feel this huge rush to hurry up and do it all, because I feel I am running out of time. I've felt that way my whole life. And that if I do not get to do certain things now, I will end up sticking around in 3d while others have moved up.

The logical side of me is not satisfied because it doesn't have any spiritual experiences to work through. The spiritual side of me is also not satisfied because the events just aren't there any more. I've asked and prayed to be shown more, so I can learn, but it's just not happening for some reason.

I did at one time have contact with what I thought and was told was my guide. But due to the experiences I had with the owner of the other forum, I am doubting the existence of my guide as a result. Was it real? Did I really experience it? Was it just my imagination or wishful thinking? Does my guide really want to go by the name of Paul? I doubt because someone who said he had knowledge and 17+ years of experience, suddenly turns around and acts totally not spiritual and cruel. Was he even accurate? Was I wrong in totally believing this person?

Thanks to everyone that lets me ramble on here. It does feel good to actually get my fears and concerns into words. I am thinking that perhaps if I do so, new insights will come from within when I least expect. And all of you as well, are very knowledgeable. If I can do anything in return let me know.

Much love to you all
Kara

[Sowelu]

(((((Kara!)))))

Indeed, the greatest lessons I've faced have come to me through the vehicle of my own self-doubts. And it makes sense, doesn't it?

It occurred to me once that I have to face every possible "critic" in myself, so that if and/or when I speak my truth in any grander way than I have so far, it is "without critic", if you get what I mean. When we have nothing within of that sort to be reflected in an exchange with another, the critical exchange will not take place. Until then, one-on-one's are our practice arena, so to speak. Our classroom.

For me, I allow the self-doubt it's time in the sun so that the "opposing" self-opinion will get a chance to rise, as well. Have you ever watched someone get berated by another, and you wanted to step in with the knowing you have in your heart that no one deserves such treatment? There is nothing anyone could ever do that would equate to being worthy of such atrocious abuse?

Well... we abuse ourselves far more than we typically realize, and if we let ourselves see it clearly, we will often rise to our own defense. And then... we can finally make real peace within.

Continued blessings to you, Kara! ((((Hugs))))
Sowelu