Things I Miss

[seaoffeeling]

I'm debating whether or not to post this because it's so personal. If I do, I might have a pang of regret after hitting the "post" button. But all things happen exactly as it is supposed to...

Anyway, in my internal debate over whether or not I should share this, I've asked myself what purpose it would serve. This is the emotional clearing section, the first time I've posted here, so I see this as intended to achieve that object - to clear the emotion. Yesterday, for the first time, I cried about the loss of my eight year relationship. It wasn't guilt motivating my tears this time, feeling responsible for his welfare, negatively judging myself for hurting him, or worrying he would go downhill without me. This time, it was purely the sense of loss, grieving what was, and missing terribly what we had. I've been distracted by other things during the past year, and I suppose it is not an accident that it's hit me now as those things begin to wind down. Plus I've felt that somehow I don't have the right to grieve, because I am more 'committed' to the break-up than he is and I want to move on. This is the only significant relationship I've been in, the only break-up I've gone through. So I guess it's all confusing to me because it is new. I hate to admit it, but there is fear surrounding this also. Fear of never getting over it, fear of going downhill into depression if I allow myself to grieve fully. But yesterday, it finally came to the surface, and I know I can't ignore it any longer. So I decided I had to start clearing, and wrote down the things I miss about our relationship. I wasn't planning to post anything here initially. But I know myself, I know I'll keep it all to myself and talk to no one. This seemed like a better alternative to that. Anyway, I'm still debating...

Things I miss

I miss being held by you
the pet names you call me
Being babied
Being able to whine for attention
I miss you holding me
Going out pretty much whenever I wanted to
Knowing you'd rarely say no
and try to make me as comfortable as possible
I miss holding hands
Watching tv on the couch together
Being playful
Playful bites
being a child
I miss the lifestyle
Travelling
Not settling for second best
Well, not usually
Before you got thrifty
I miss the things you bought to try and please me
Though it was not necessary
I miss knowing you loved me
Being able to share things
I couldn't with anyone else

Things were not all bad
There were good times
Now that the clouds have lifted
I see these now
And the longing returns

It's the little things I miss the most
it seems
Being happy when you came home from work
The biting
The pet names
The playful whining
Being a child
Being taken care of

Being held...


-SeaofFeeling

[Sowelu]

I relate to this so well.

Bless you and thank you for your trust in sharing, SeaofFeeling. It is a gift.

Love you!
Sowelu

[bluerose]

::HUGS::

I say you made a wonderful choice, Sea! I am so proud of you for finally deciding to be SO open about this and face it head on regardless of the perfectly valid fears you have.

It doesn't necessarily make it magically go away, but know that you have a whole army of angels supporting you and you are never given anything you cannot handle.

You can and will get through this and this is a HUGE step forward

Love you!

[seaoffeeling]

Thanks guys (((hugz))) I am not able to re-read my original post, because I guess I feel self-conscious about it, but it is comforting to know I am cared for..

Love you right back,
-SeaofFeeling

[Lunaria]

I can relate to you post, Sea.
It takes awhile for all these feeling to fade. But they will and then you will be free.
I think it is good to grieve when a relationship is over because it is like a death.
Grieve for as long as necessary.
It takes about a year for the cords that connect the two of you to fade and break. Then you will not feel his feeling about you.

You might ask AAMichael to help you cut the cords that connect you from your chakras. That would lessen the time.

[seaoffeeling]

Thanks Lun ((((hugz)))). This is reassuring and helpful.

Love,
-SeaofFeeling

[liza]

I agree with Jenn and the gang here.

SeaofFeeling, now I know why you called yourself SeaofFeeling! I'm glad you were able to express yourself, even if you are unable to go back and read your expression at this time.

May you have the knowing that everything IS allright, and that you are always supported with unconditional love. You're a very courageous person, SofF-- as is everyone in here. ;D

[seaoffeeling]

Thank you Liza. I feel validated by your words and your energy. (((Hugz)))

Love,
-SeaofFeeling

[whitequeen]

Wow Sea,
Boy can I relate to you and your post. I am a mush ball inside and it makes me remember the times I went through these kinds of sadness and loss.

I remember how hard I cried and for how long when I left my husband of 10 years; and I left him.

It's alright to feel like this and it's normal too. When you have loved someone and been loved by them there is always some of the love that remains; or why have it happen at all?

But love is not the only glue that binds. Time will smooth the pain and help to make it palpable and then you will heal from it all stronger and wiser and knowing yourself so much more deeply and with so much more love for you.

Thank you for sharing this and reminding me that I still have a shred of love inside after so many years of bitterness toward the men in my life who have helped to make me sad and helped me to find myself.

Love,
WQ