Post by zor7b on Feb 27, 2005 14:06:35 GMT -5
For those true chili lovers known as Texans:-)
This is the funniest thing I have ever read...I had to wipe the tears of
laughter out of my eyes to continue reading..Enjoy!
>>
>>
>>
>>Texas Chili Contest - If you can read this whole story without laughing,
>>then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end.
>>
>>Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to The
>>first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better...
>>
>>For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They
>>actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It
>>takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City park.
>>
>>The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
>>visiting from Springfield,IL.
>>
>>
>>Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Chili
>>cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
>>happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions
>>to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
>>other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy
>>and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
>>accepted."
>>
>>Here are the scorecards from the event: (Frank is Judge #3)
>>
>>Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili....
>>
>>Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
>>
>>Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
>>
>>Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
>>remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
>>out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>>
>>
>>Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
>>
>>Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
>>
>>Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
>>seriously.
>>
>>Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
>>supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
>>give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
>>the look on my face.
>>
>>
>>Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
>>
>>Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
>>
>>Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
>>
>>Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
>>like I have been snorting Draino. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get Me
>>more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone
>>is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer...
>>
>>
>>Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
>>
>>Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
>>
>>Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
>>other mild foods, not much of a chili.
>>
>>Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
>>taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
>>standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to
>>look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
>>
>>;
>>Chili # 5 Lisa! 's Legal Lip Remover...
>>
>>Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong! chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
>>considerable kick. Very impressive.
>>
>>Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
>>the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>>
>>Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead And I
>>can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
>>paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
>>had given me br ain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
>>beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
>>It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
>>Screw those rednecks.
>>
>>
>>Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
>>
>>Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
>>spices and peppers.
>>
>>Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
>>Superb.
>>
>>Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
>>sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
>>eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
>>that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow
>>cone.
>>
>>
>>Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
>>
>>Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
>>
>>Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
>>chili peppers at the last moment.
>>**I should note that I am Worried about judge # 3. He appears to be
>> in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably!
>>
>>Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
>>wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
>>like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
>>slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
>>shirt.
>>At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided
>>to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen
>>anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my
>>stomach.
>>
>>
>>Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
>>
>>Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
>>but spicy enough to declare its existence.
>>
>>Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
>>hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed
>>out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
>>if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to
>>really hot chili?
This is the funniest thing I have ever read...I had to wipe the tears of
laughter out of my eyes to continue reading..Enjoy!
>>
>>
>>
>>Texas Chili Contest - If you can read this whole story without laughing,
>>then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end.
>>
>>Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to The
>>first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better...
>>
>>For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They
>>actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It
>>takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City park.
>>
>>The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
>>visiting from Springfield,IL.
>>
>>
>>Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Chili
>>cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
>>happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions
>>to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
>>other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy
>>and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
>>accepted."
>>
>>Here are the scorecards from the event: (Frank is Judge #3)
>>
>>Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili....
>>
>>Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
>>
>>Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
>>
>>Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
>>remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
>>out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>>
>>
>>Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
>>
>>Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
>>
>>Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
>>seriously.
>>
>>Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
>>supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
>>give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
>>the look on my face.
>>
>>
>>Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
>>
>>Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
>>
>>Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
>>
>>Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
>>like I have been snorting Draino. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get Me
>>more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone
>>is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer...
>>
>>
>>Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
>>
>>Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
>>
>>Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
>>other mild foods, not much of a chili.
>>
>>Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
>>taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
>>standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to
>>look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
>>
>>;
>>Chili # 5 Lisa! 's Legal Lip Remover...
>>
>>Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong! chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
>>considerable kick. Very impressive.
>>
>>Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
>>the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>>
>>Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead And I
>>can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
>>paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
>>had given me br ain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
>>beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
>>It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
>>Screw those rednecks.
>>
>>
>>Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
>>
>>Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
>>spices and peppers.
>>
>>Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
>>Superb.
>>
>>Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
>>sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
>>eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
>>that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow
>>cone.
>>
>>
>>Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
>>
>>Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
>>
>>Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
>>chili peppers at the last moment.
>>**I should note that I am Worried about judge # 3. He appears to be
>> in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably!
>>
>>Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
>>wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
>>like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
>>slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
>>shirt.
>>At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided
>>to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen
>>anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my
>>stomach.
>>
>>
>>Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
>>
>>Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
>>but spicy enough to declare its existence.
>>
>>Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
>>hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed
>>out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
>>if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to
>>really hot chili?
