Feeling so lost and discouraged Jul 19, 2009 23:35:29 GMT -5
Post by LilliHart on Jul 19, 2009 23:35:29 GMT -5
It's been a long time since I posted on these emotional boards. And why now? Who knows, except that for the one reason that whenever I have come here I feel safe...odd because anyone can read what I say online but for some reason I feel that as a group we have held this as sacred space and it is safe for me to vent.
I have spent my entire life this incarnation waiting for something...something to happen, something to change, something to get better, something to save me, somthing to evolve, something to heal me. The other day an old friend of 35 years with whom I have just been reunited was talking and said she didn't believe in reincarnation. It was shocking to me because I couldn't even fathom that thought. She asked me what I thought about it and after a few seconds I responded.
I told her that my thinking about this was that our souls were eternal and came and went from wherever they wished to wherever they wanted to go. But that in this lifetime we only get one chance to express ourselves as the Susans, or MirRa's, or Soweys or whomever we are in this expression of form and matter. So yes, in one way or another it did make it true that you are born, grow old, die, get put in the ground and rot...as she stated.
And of course I've been thinking about this for days. In all my years of waiting and doing whatever it was I did to march to the beat of my own drum, I always thought there would be more. I always believed there was another answer, a possible different outcome for me and for the world, the omniverse. I have always believe we are the makers of our own universes and our own realities. and then I began to look at my life today and shudder.
Some how I have forgotten and have been creating by default. I never wanted what I have right now. Well I never wanted some of what I have right now. I know I keep making choices daily about what my life is about and with every word I speak I choose moment by moment. But the horrifying thing is, well, that I have created a life that I absolutely despise. I have focused unwittingly on everything I dont' want, everything I am afraid of, everything that hurts me and brings me sorrow, fear, heartache. Why? I have no damned idea but Why have I destroyed my own life?
I remember when I stepped off the karmic wheel years ago. when I knew I was ready to stop living the kind of belief system that told me what I 'should' be doing and decided I could now choose to be and live who I am anyway I And then I got lazy or stopped caring, got afraid and stopped caring and ended up here. I have created ill health, near poverty, social ineptness, isolation and over sensativity, anger, fear, lack of confidence and suffering for myself and many around me that is unconscienable.
And I'm supposed to be a trained adept!! And the lies seems to seep from my pores. I have to come here to be real because I can't in the flesh...there is no where to go, no one to listen or help. I have to become enraged with my self to create instead of creating from love and joy. Everything is backwards. What the hell happened? Where did I go?
I don't want to be a part of the human race and yet i have anchored myself into the human race knowing that this is all I have in this one expression of self in this life time. The body is human. I used to dream about 'going home' to another planet, another dimension. I dreamed about salvation and ascension into another dimension anohter time and now I am at the gates of the ages with nothing but a broken being dragging around, fat, isolated, broke, angry, disappointed, disillusioned...and maybe there really IS NOTHING else! Nothing else except what I am experiencing in my one shot at being Susan or whoever I seem to be today.
I can barely walk, I can barely stand for more than 5 minutes...I become violently sick when I eat most foods, and when I go out in the world and am around the majority of people. I can't even stand the sun in my eyes. It hurts me. Is this the new world? And yet with all this I KNOW...
I KNOW out there... I KNOW the universe and I'm good OUT THERE. I KNOW how to move energy, move mountains, create planets, transit time, blend through dimensions and time/space. I KNOW but here I know nothing. I have not figured out how it works and am afraid and keep thinking time is running out. And in a very human way it is.
Recently I have been involved in sevearl groups online and of course no one can see anyone else. We are just minds/souls communicating and working on this and that together. Last week someone did a survey on one of my groups to find out the average age of the people on this site where I write. I had quite a shock. I am old. I never knew that before. Eveyone else there except a tiny handful of people are younger, much younger that I am in physical age. And yet I am an idiot when it comes to knowing what I am doing. So between 2012 being the 'around the corner illusion' and me being almost 60 (holy shit), time really is running out...at least for this body called Susan.
I feel have never lived. Rather I feel I have lived but never been satisfied or content. I am not now satisfied or content, or at peace or feeling like a nice homey safety net is around me. I'm sad and discourage and wondering why it all is. Why bother anymore because it makes no difference. The sum total of being here can be wrapped up simply by saying, "I am here for the experience" and who cares what that experience is. How very damned depressing.
Comments are fine if anyone comes to read this. I just had to get it out. There may be more. Who knows.