Funny thing is I am on the same track today. I hope you don't mind my commenting here Angel Heart. I have been lost in memories of my father who passed in 1995. We didn't have a good relationship while he was alive and at the end we didn't have any relationship. I didn't greive when he died, I was too angry at him and too stunned. After so many years wishing for my freedom from him and then he was gone and it was a relief at the time. And then all these years later I have begun to forget him and I feel so sad for that. Because in truth I didn't know what I had until I didn't have it any more. I have not honored his life, it was so short, especially from my point of view. And it's like he was never here and there is merely dust across the moon to mark his time on earth in that body I knew. And no matter how many times he has come or how many times he will come again, there was only THIS TIME in his expression as my father.
Being here on EC like this without the rest of you is like whispering in a large room with an echo, a large empty room with the ghosts. But I have to speak tonight and so I came here. I am so sad and feel so much grief. I am in the city I equate with grief, the place I consider my city of loss. I moved back here to deal with all the losses I have had in the past and I am processing through them, one at a time and laying them to rest. I feel as tho' I have passed through a tunnel and over some imaginary finish line and with all of it there is peace mixed with the sadness. Yearning and wanting mixed with satisfaction and contentment. Wishing-ness and wanting-ness mixed with knowing it can never be again and that I am here now and still standing after all the sorrow.
Yes, even knowing that there is life only eternal life, death is hard and final and sad for some of us left standing and it's humbling and small-ifying making me feel like a child again. Sigh...sniff, sniff
Blessed are the cracked for they are the ones who let in the light!